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Have I Overreacted?

(49 Posts)
BettyBlue007 Tue 11-Apr-17 14:36:16

Sorry this is so long, but I really need some advice:

DSD (16) has lived with her dad and me for the past 4 years after a massive fall out with her mum, which resulted in her being "kicked out".

She's been a fairly good girl to live with, mostly pleasant though she can be a bit reclusive, will retreat to her room and she barely speaks to my DD (5) who is her half sister.

She's had a boyfriend for a year, they are the same age and went to school together. I set out some ground rules for him coming round which evolved into him being able to sleep over one night at the weekend so long as all her jobs were done and she was respectful of our house and rules and was considerate to us all, which then morphed into him staying more and more often. Eating food I pay for and using a lot of electricity as they are always home playing xbox or whatever.

Anyway, a few months ago, I heard them having sex shock. I knew they were sexually active and had made sure she knew the risks and was on the pill. I told her it was unacceptable to be doing it at 8pm just as I had put DD to bed and knowing we were all in the house; it's rude, disrespectful and I told her it wasn't to happen again.

Cut to last night, I'd just bathed DD and put her in bed, I go back into the bathroom to tidy up all the towels when I hear the squeaking floor from her loft bedroom.... I shout up as a warning, asking her if she wants tea or not, she replies no as they are going out, then the squeaking continues so I roar at them to pack it in! Storm downstairs and text her to suggest that if she's going out she'd better go now.

I get no reply, they saunter downstairs and swan out the front door as if nothing had happened.

I text her again to say that her boyfriend is no longer welcome in this house etc. etc. which ends with her offering to move out (she kept putting it on the ends of her texts but I didn't rise to the bait, she's threatened it a few times). We got into a massive argument about her quitting college, being jobless and basically doing NOTHING around the house without having to be asked, numerous times and even then she does a crap job (i.e. doing the dishes in cold water so they need doing again...)

The last text she sent she offered to pack her stuff and move back to her mum's or her boyfriends I just replied saying Fine.

Have I overreacted? I did warn her that I didn't want them having sex while we were home. It surely isn't that hard a rule to follow? I worry about DD walking in on them and I cringe every time I go to the bathroom if he's staying over in case I hear them humping...

Should I stick to my guns or should I back down?

I have posted about her before, there has been a lot that's gone on over the years but I have bent over backwards for the girl, always treated her like my own and gone above and beyond for her time and again. But she consistently throws it back in may face sad

I feel I've done all I can do and it's time she goes back to her mum.

tristate123 Tue 11-Apr-17 16:08:01

I missed what her dad is doing when all this is going on? What are his thoughts and actions?

MycatsaPirate Tue 11-Apr-17 16:12:45

Where is her dad and what exactly is he doing?

You aren't overreacting. She's 16. Having noisy sex in your parents home is just disrespectful, especially given that you let her bf stay over. It's also pretty awful of her knowing that her 5 yo sister can hear.

I don't know what the answer is but this is another case of a child with separated parents knowing that if she doesn't get her own way she can decide to just leave because she can stay with the other one. Both her parents need to present a united front here. No point in her running back to mum's and the same issues continuing.

BettyBlue007 Tue 11-Apr-17 16:17:44

DH works permanent nights so is either working or sleeping when all this goes on sad but he agrees that she's taking the piss.

We sit down and talk about it and she'll promise the world, but nothing changes.

I'm genuinely at the end of my tether and I just don't know what to do anymore. I want her to go.

needsahalo Tue 11-Apr-17 16:48:37

Does he want his daughter to go?

Will your daughter face exactly the same consequences at 16 in the same situation?

BettyBlue007 Tue 11-Apr-17 17:05:40

I don't really know if he wants her to go or not. This all kicked off last evening, then he went to work so we didn't have chance to discuss anything.

And my DD will live by the same rules I did. No boys in bedrooms. At least not till she's 18.

Even at 23 I wasn't allowed in my room with my BF (who ended up being my DH). My mum was very old fashioned. I don't think I'll be quite as strict with my DD but she'll definitely have rules to follow.

I've made a rod for my own back by letting DSD have her BF sleep over, but that's not going to happen anymore. Even if she doesn't follow through with her threat of moving out, her BF is not allowed round anymore. End of.

Hidingtonothing Tue 11-Apr-17 17:14:57

I don't think you've overreacted no, she's the one who mentioned leaving and it's understandable you responded as you did given the circumstances. It sounds like you both need a bit of time to cool down and I would speak to DH in the meantime and agree house rules you're happy with.

I wouldn't ban DSD's BF from coming to the house but I would ban him from her bedroom, they've proved they can't respect the other members of the household so he would only be allowed in communal areas. If DSD isn't happy with this then obviously she's free to make alternative living arrangements but it's not an unreasonable rule given that you've tried to give her some freedom and she's overstepped the mark.

You and DH need to speak to her together and outline the new rules, she needs to see you're a united front on this. You're absolutely within your rights to be pissed off though, your younger DD shouldn't be exposed to it and DSD should know that.

swingofthings Tue 11-Apr-17 17:28:25

You certainly didn't overreact. You set some perfectly reasonable rules and she ignored them. That added to her not going to college or working, which is totally unacceptable, and it sounds like she does needed a wake up call. Hopefully she will realise that's what this was and she will act on it rather than moving back to her mum (assume boyfriend lives with his parents?)

wheresthel1ght Tue 11-Apr-17 21:01:15

I think that in your situation I would probably have done similar.

However, by relaxing the rules and allowing this to develop I think you have to accept some responsibility for the situation you now find yourself in. Yes she has been disrespectful but you have allowed this to develop

Ask yourself the following and be brutally honest with yourself;

1) other than this incident are things generally ok with her?
2) would you rather she was safe under your roof where you can keep an eye on her or at it up against a wall somewhere (what lots of girls I went to school with used to brag about)

Can you have a family meeting and involve the boyfriend and potentially his parents and discuss this in a more grown up manner?

BettyBlue007 Wed 12-Apr-17 09:24:23

She's trying to backtrack now, saying "we" overreacted and she didn't mean it when she said she'd move out.

She's saying that I expect too much of her and she does do her chores but I don't give her enough credit... I explained that if she did them properly I would show gratitude but she does the bare minimum and expects to get away with lying in bed all day doing nothing.

I'm not backing down on the BF thing, he isn't allowed round. She can go to his house. We have no communal area at home as its a very small terraced house with no dining room and I am not sharing my living room with 2 moody teenagers every evening!

She needs to realise that while she isn't in college and not working she needs to be helping more around the house seeing as DH and I both work full time.

She also needs to realise that if she isn't taking the pill properly then she WILL end up pregnant and I will throw her out. End OF.

She honestly believes that she can take a pill here and there and she'll be protected.... She's a fucking moron.

No, things generally are not ok with her as she's lazy and rude and she stresses me out, so I would really rather she move out but I don't know how to get her to go without packing her bags for her and ringing her mum to come and get her. Which seems very harsh.

I'm just fed up

thethoughtfox Wed 12-Apr-17 10:37:21

Good for you. This will be the makings of her. No good ever came from being 16 and having all the fun of being a grown up ( lover, nice house etc) and none of the responsibilities.

BettyBlue007 Wed 12-Apr-17 10:52:09

Thanks Fox

I thought I was going to get flamed for wanting her to leave. Like I did on my previous thread.

It's nice to know I'm not being too hard on her

EweAreHere Wed 12-Apr-17 11:05:04

Why isn't she working or in school?

Sounds like she has entirely too much time on her hands, and that, combined with no inclination to pull her weight at home to make up for her lack of financial contribution and having blatant sex in the house when everyone can hear her with inadequate protection, is a recipe for a disaster.

What on earth does she think she will do if she gets pregnant? No home. No money. Boyfriend probably won't hang in there...

Why isn't her dad having a seriously long talk with her about expectations and her future and how she is heading down the road of seriously mucking it up, as well as a potential baby's life, if she doesn't get her act together. And where is her mum in all this? Just because she doesn't live with her doesn't mean she shouldn't be very concerned about her future and how she's acting now.

BettyBlue007 Wed 12-Apr-17 11:32:08

Hi EweAreHere

Me and DH are going to have a very long conversation about it all at the weekend - he works nights and so we're like passing ships during the week, which I think contributes to her attitude as she feels she can get away with whatever she likes as he's asleep or at work.

She decided she didn't like the college course she was doing, quit and has an interview for a different course next month, but she'll only start back at college in September (assuming she actually gets accepted onto the course).

She is apparently trying her best to find a job, but she turns her nose up at the likes of McDonalds or the shops in our local town, goodness knows what kind of job she is holding out for!!

I have told her in no uncertain terms that if she gets pregnant she's gone. End of discussion. She seems to think it wont happen to her as they don't have sex very often, use condoms, blah blah blah - she's THE most naïve person I've ever met!

Her mum tries making contact but DSD blows her off 9 times out of 10. I'm not sure if her mum knows or cares that DSD is being the way she is, I might suggest that DH have a conversation with her too, get her involved so DSD knows we mean business!

wheresthel1ght Wed 12-Apr-17 21:18:51

wow you are a treasure. Glad you aren't anything to do with my DSC's!

Throwing her out if she gets pregnant, wanting to kick her out of her home because she stresses you out - FFS her father needs to get rid of you! If this is your attitude towards her then it is no bloody wonder she has no respect.

swingofthings Thu 13-Apr-17 06:44:52

Working nights is not an excuse. Surely he has time when he is awake at home before he goes to work. He needs to take some responsibility of the situation and not dump it all on you.

I think your SS is lucky to have one adult in her life who is actually prepared to devote time and energy is trying to help her with making sure she doesn't mess up her future.

She is clearly reacting positively to it since she has come back to you willing to communicate. Don't be too harsh with her now or you will lose her. Continue to set rules whilst also trying to help her with the positives.

Make it clear that doing nothing until September is not an option. Help her look for jobs and talk to her about the fact that working and earning money, whatever the job will make her feel great, firstly because she will feel proud of herself, but also because earning money will give her some of the independence she craves.

Remind her all what she can still accomplish in her life by going to college, getting a job she enjoys before becoming a mum. It might be that her unconscious desire to fall pregnant is related to a craving to be loved unconditionally, which a baby would do.

It sounds like both her mum and dad are not giving her much attention, and the most she gets is from you, but not ideal when she will know that deep inside, you would prefer if she wasn't there. This will only make her desperate to create her own family when she will now where she stands, of course ignoring all the negatives.

Bufferingkisses Thu 13-Apr-17 06:55:09

Jesus wept! The poor child really can't win with you can she?! Given how you talk about her here... actually I'm lost for words!

JustMumNowNotMe Thu 13-Apr-17 07:06:20

Jesus wept! The poor child really can't win with you can she?! Given how you talk about her here... actually I'm lost for words!

My thoughts exactly!

Bufferingkisses Thu 13-Apr-17 07:30:57

She's 16, she's supposed to be naive.

She wasn't having noisy sex, the op heard a floorboard squeaking when she was in the bathroom below her loft room.

Boyfriend sleeping over means they will have sex. You allowed that.

Dsd was reasonable enough to try and make peace after a nasty row by sharing the blame for the situation.

They are using condoms.

She does do her chores.

All in all it sounds like she is a pretty reasonable 16yo girl living a life where no one really wants her.

Making it clear, repeatedly, you'll kick her out if she gets pregnant is nasty.

MsGameandWatch Thu 13-Apr-17 07:36:33

If she gets pregnant she's gone? I was on the fence till I read that. Disgusting thing to say. Such misogynistic statements are one of the reasons I can't stand my own mother. You should never have let her boyfriend stay overnight in the first place I certainly wouldn't at that age. Honestly take a look at YOURSELF in this.

ems137 Thu 13-Apr-17 07:41:51

I'm sorry but what do you think would happen if you allow her to have her boyfriend sleep over regularly? They're hardly going to be sat up there reading are they?

She's 16 and legally allowed to have sex. Why doesn't she get a lock on her door so you know your younger DD can't walk in and see something?

Do you and DH never have sex when others are in the house?

It's really frustrating having a teenager who doesn't seem motivated but your DSD doesn't sound that bad tbh. She does help out a bit around the house and she will engage in conversation with you, that's more than some will do.

swingofthings Thu 13-Apr-17 07:50:50

I'm sorry but what do you think would happen if you allow her to have her boyfriend sleep over regularly? They're hardly going to be sat up there reading are they?
OP was clear that she knew that intercourse would happen, she just imagine that by showing some consideration in allowing her boyfriend to stay over, that they would return that consideration by not having sex unless on their own in the house or when everyone else is asleep, which from their lifestyle seems to still leave a lot of time for them to go at it.

Helping out 'a bit' when not working or at school when others work F is not 'not that bad', it's selfish. Some parents seem to have very low expectations of teenagers.

As for the threat of being kicked out if pregnant, it seems totally reasonable. OP has the right not to want an added newborn in the house. Her SS can control not falling pregnant, so it is her choice. Stay there and act responsibly to avoid pregnancy, or be responsible and find yourself somewhere else to live. What's unreasonable with that warning?

pictish Thu 13-Apr-17 08:00:58

I agree that you are being way harsh! You'd kick her out if she got pregnant would you? Would you do that to your own dd? No...didn't think so.

All the 'dreadful' things you have described are NORMAL. Will you want your daughter 'out' if she's a bit lackadaisical about chores at 16? No...I don't think so.

Why are you so upset about her having sex? confused

pictish Thu 13-Apr-17 08:03:40

I mean if, and I do mean IF your dd noticed the squeaking and commented, you could just shrug it off surely?

"What's (sister) doing?"
"No idea"

Why are you so angry about it?

pictish Thu 13-Apr-17 08:08:05

Seems to me it's you with the problem here. Your dd will do, or will want to do, ALL the same things when she's 16. She'll be rude, lazy, uncooperative...she might be sexually active etc. Doubtless, you'll accept it as a normal part of growing up.
Why all the resentment towards your dsd?

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