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Entitled SS

(40 Posts)
alphaspagetti Sat 08-Apr-17 00:13:27

AIBU - I am currently pregnant with mine and DP's 1st child he also has SS from a previous relationship who is 14.

SS is not a bad child and isn't rude and we get on well however now that we are having a baby we have combined our finances which include money paid out for SS

My DP pays maintenance for SS and also pays half of all purchases such as shoes, school trips ect. However I feel that SS is given too much for no apparent reason both him and DP have season tickets and the cost of this isn't offset against a Birthday or Christmas present but it's a lot of money and I feel as if this should be used as a reward for good grades or present i.e. Bday or Xmas

The same goes with trainers ( I understand all children need trainers but if he wants a pair at over £100 I feel they should be for an occasion) he doesn't seem grateful for any of these things he has and just continues to presume he will get these items on top of regular Christmas and birthday presents

I don't agree with this form of parenting as he is basically being rewarded for nothing he asks for something and he gets it and shows no gratitude so my point is - AIBU to think that more expensive items should be given as treats and part of birthdays / Xmas rather than the norm ?

needsahalo Sat 08-Apr-17 00:49:13

Yes, of course. Parenting your stepson is your responsibility. Good luck with that.

swingofthings Sat 08-Apr-17 07:15:56

How long have you been together? Is it becoming an issue now? The things you mention is nothing unusual and is what a lot of parent chose to spend on their kids, usually because they can afford to do so.

Not showing gratefulness is a typical teenage symptoms, however, most come out of it, become adults, and then thank their parents for all the treats they gave them as kids and the wonderful memories that came with them.

My opinion is that unless it is your money that is being spent on these things, it has nothing to do with you, especially if this the lifestyle he has been used to for 14. You can try to influence your DP, try to make him feel guilty or inadequate so that he indeed he stops these treats, but be prepared to have to deal with anger from the ex, step child and most likely even your partner. The season ticket is probably the one time they have to bond together, so make a fuss and you will be seen as a manipulative jealous partner for interfering.

That doesn't take away that at some point, you might have to review your budget to take into account changes that will take place when your baby comes, but wanting him to get less just because you don't like it is the quick way to become the wicked mother who will never be able to do anything right.

tribpot Sat 08-Apr-17 07:21:16

I think the mistake here is combining all of your income. It isn't up to you to decide how your DP parents his other child. I would buy my ds a season ticket outside birthday/Christmas if I could afford it, why not? He's my son.

There is the question of whether your household can afford it, I assume you are thinking of the months ahead when you will be on mat leave and so not earning? But I think it will cause far less resentment if you mutually agree a budget for DP to spend on his ds that you aren't involved with.

Lunar1 Sat 08-Apr-17 07:22:04

Of course you're right, everything should be stopped, minimum maintenance should be paid. You and your baby should come before the ungrateful brat and all resources should be diverted to you both.

Or in the real world, your dp will continue to parent his son how he always has and hopefully won't be influenced by you.

Underthemoonlight Sat 08-Apr-17 08:00:47

OP why have you done duplicate threads?

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 08-Apr-17 09:58:40

Are you reading the other thread op? It's just about to be taken down. Anyway. I'll repeat myself. Perhaps not verbatim.

You're being terribly unfair to this boy. He sounds lovely and you should be grateful and privileged that he has accepted you as part of his family. You should also feel lucky that your child will have such a fab older brother.

The season ticket is an activity and a hobby. Much like something any other child would do. The added benefit is that it is a bonding activity between him and his father. So you know your child has a great dad. My dd does plenty of after school activities. I never imagined when she was little that I would be ferrying her round everywhere to do the things she loves. It not for you to decide how your oh spends his money on his child.

Yes, the trainers sound expensive. But things cost what they cost and the poor boy can hardly wear too small shoes and wait till Christmas or his birthday and ruin his feet in the process.

He sounds like a great kid, who doesn't deserve to be lumbered with a stepmum, who sees him as entitled. I see none of these issues here. I really hope you will have a good think about these feelings you are having.

CaptainBraandPants Sat 08-Apr-17 10:03:30

Why was the other thread taken down when it had so many replies and this one has only a handful?
Maybe the op didn't like the responses on the other thread? hmm Or am I just being cynical?

AndromedaPerseus Sat 08-Apr-17 10:07:29

YABVU would you like your dc to be treated as you are planning to treat your SS. Shame on you!

Berthatydfil Sat 08-Apr-17 10:10:02

I read the first thread - I'm not sure anyone will have a different opinion.
So you're in his life 5 minutes and you're taking away his social bonding with his father and dictating that his feet should only grow at key dates in the year.
This boy is going to be your child's sibling go right ahead if you want to make sure he resents it and you for spoiling him and his dads relationship.
A lot of step parents do a great job but I don't think you're going to be one of them.

Pinotwoman82 Sat 08-Apr-17 10:12:25

Did you not like the comments on the other thread? These are not going to be terribly different?

Billybonkers76 Sat 08-Apr-17 10:15:45

My friend had the most awful step mother. The step witch we called her. Make sure you do right by the son, he is just as important to his dad as your baby will be to you.

NotReallyMeToday Sat 08-Apr-17 10:39:24

I've been thinking about this since th last thread, and the more I think about it, the more unreasonable I think the OP is being. Which child in the world is 'grateful' for shoes and activities as a teen? Surely that's normal. And is the OP really planning that her child will do one activity and have one pair of decent shoes per year and no Christmas or birthday presents?

I think the poor lad in no way deserves to be called 'entitled' esp if this is his life. I know I did horse riding from when I was tiny until I went to uni. I loved my ponies but didn't regularly say "thank you" to my parents as it was my normal and constant gratitude is exhausting and, frankly, unhealthy in a parent/child relationship. I do, however, have incredibly fond memories of it as a grown up, and it remains something we talk about, remember and the positive experience is reflected in our lifelong relationship.

Gazelda Sat 08-Apr-17 10:47:56

When your child is older, and wants to take up karate, or brownies or horseriding, will you tell them it's part of their Christmas present?
I used to get trainers for my Christmas present and still resent it Noe.

Gazelda Sat 08-Apr-17 10:48:15

Noe now

bearandwolf Sat 08-Apr-17 10:50:02

I come from a family of half brothers/sisters. Like some pp have said, your ss will always be the brother of your child. So acknowledge him as such. If your dp said he was going to buy extras for your child on top of Christmas etc would you stop him?
It's irrelevant if he's not grateful now. He will be one day and will come back to help out his younger sibling as well if you make it clear he's still part of your family unit. I love all of my siblings the same regardless of them being half or from my my and dad. My dad treated my sister who is my mums dd from a previous marriage appallingly and it actually made me and my younger sister care so much more about her and actually resent our dad. You could potentially harm your own relationship with your child if you fail to treat you ss well. Your suggestions if withdrawing previous good parent from you dp suggests you intend for all future resources to mainly go on your child.

CMamaof4 Sat 08-Apr-17 10:59:22

I think if he can afford it why not?
I also think you sound a tad jealous and are trying to dress it up with how you think the kid should be brought up.
He's 14years old, I dont see how you think you should be able to come in and make changes because you don't feel its right, this has been going on for 14years and obviously works.

I think you yabvu and I hope your partner is strong minded enough to put his son before you.

yippeekiyay2 Sat 08-Apr-17 11:12:48

I really am shocked by how many threads I read on here where, because the step mum has decided to start a family with the dad all his previous children should now be seen as second rate! Because that is essentially what you're suggesting op. The football ticket is a common bonding experience between parents and children, like going on holidays - will you now he expecting ss to pay for his place on a holiday if he decides to go with you? You have said yourself he isn't rude and gets on well with you - where is the entitlement from doing an activity with his dad and getting new shoes?! I have been the step child made to feel second best and also have a half sibling where they became a family unit and I felt outside of it despite living in the same house. It is hard, deeply hurtful and stays with you long into adulthood. Please remember that ss is your partners SON and should always be treated as such, having another baby doesn't trump that as it wouldn't if it was the second or subsequent child in a family.

Graphista Sat 08-Apr-17 12:41:37

So you didn't like the replies you were getting on the other thread and mistakenly thought you'd get more sympathy here?

No.

You are STILL VERY unreasonable and mean!

Not your business how your DPS SON - who as was rightly pointed out on the other thread is NOT your stepson - is parented or paid for.

Also the child you are pregnant with is your DPs second child. Not 'mine and DPs first'

I asked on the other thread how much maintenance your dp pays and if that is 50% Of all costs to raise his son? You haven't answered and as most nrps don't pay enough to cover this I'm going to assume no. So paying for other things merely goes some way to rectifying this.

I and others also asked if you expect YOUR dc not to have hobbies, clothes and shoes bought when needed (teens grow almost as fast as babies in my experience), to only get things at birthdays/Christmas? Which you declined to answer.

Your relationship is at a higher risk of breakdown than first relationships, partly because of these type of issues.

You were also asked how you will feel if in the future YOUR child is the child in this scenario with your current dps new partner wanting to cut off money and experiences to your child - which you also didn't answer - but I'm guessing you'd hate if the shoe was on the other foot.

Several said you should have avoided pregnancy if you don't like how your dp parents but I suspect you want YOUR dc parented differently to your dps eldest - that is massively and so unreasonably unfair.

Grow up! Stop resenting a CHILD and support your dp in being a better father than many to the child he no longer lives with (a disadvantage your child is not currently facing).

expatinscotland Sat 08-Apr-17 13:41:26

Entitled SM should be the thread title. He's a child.

southall Sat 08-Apr-17 15:43:06

OP, you are never going to get a favourable response.
This type of question normally triggers MN's who are bitter about ex partners who go on to neglect previous kids once they have new ones.
I would guess most blame the new women for this. That would be you.

I think the things you list, season ticket, expensive trainers, are not a big deal these days. Assuming you can easily afford them as a household. If money is really tight and you cant then you might have a point in questioning it.

Graphista Sat 08-Apr-17 16:05:55

I'm not bitter nor do I blame my dds stepmother, I'm realistic. My ex's shitty behaviour is entirely his responsibility.

I also have in my family and among friends and relatives FANTASTIC step parents who have wonderful loving relationships with their step children and would never even THINK like the op let alone voice those thoughts even anonymously.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 08-Apr-17 16:27:27

And what a fucking surprise. Haven't seen hide nor hair of op.

Beachhairdontcare Sat 08-Apr-17 16:37:42

This post was stupid the first time.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 08-Apr-17 16:39:24

Does that make the poster doubly stupid?

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