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Please help

(8 Posts)
Fooso Tue 04-Apr-17 19:35:03

It's been a while since I posted. My son is now 17 and I still struggle 7 years on how my partner is with him. He is a great partner to me and a great dad to his 2 daughters that live with us. He blames my son for not communicating but my view is he is the adult and should chat to him to start conversation. It makes me so sad. We've had another row tonight. My son seems ok and not actually bothered by how my partner is l. Do I just shut up and stop getting upset over this?

Gogglerox Tue 04-Apr-17 19:52:49

When you say he's blaming your son for not communicating... could that actually be the case for their lack of bonding? Boys - teenage boys in particular can be rubbish at communicating in general and find it harder to express their feelings.
What does your DP say about your son? What does your son say about DP?

Fooso Tue 04-Apr-17 20:00:58

Thanks for your reply. I love my son maybe too much. He doesn't communicate very much and doesn't really participate in family things and is happy in his room. He thinks my dp is ok and he says he's not bothered about any of it. I just think my dp should be the adult and maybe start conversations.. is that unrealistic of me? My dp just says not this again! He says he never talks to me but he doesn't either! It's the only thing wrong in my life and it makes me so sad

Gogglerox Tue 04-Apr-17 21:09:57

Is it possible you're being overly defensive and actually you're just longing for them to be more like friends?
If your DP isn't actively being mean to your son and your son isn't that bothered about it turn could the issue just be your desire for them to have a better relationship?
Your DP has that natural connection with his daughters as you do with your son. How is your relationship with his girls?
I think be realistic here... if he is pleasant enough to your son then there's not really a problem. Just because both your son and your DP love you dearly it doesn't necessarily mean they're automatically going to feel the same about each other.
That unfortunately can just be a reality of being a step family xx

Fooso Wed 05-Apr-17 06:52:16

Thank you and I yes you're right I donkey by for them to be friends where as they just seem to co exist! I get on well with the girls as they don't see their mum and they love me x maybe I just wish they were like that hmm

Gogglerox Wed 05-Apr-17 07:14:41

Also your son isn't a little child, he's a 17 year old young man now. Cut your partner some slack, it's just the dynamics of their relationship.
I'm assuming your son has his biological dad around? That makes a difference. You are the only mother figure his daughter's have so that naturally will strengthen your bond with them, but if your son has his dad in the picture then why would he see your partner as a father figure especially as he entered his life when he was 10 and not a baby.
Go give you partner a big hug xx
It's so hard being the step parent isn't it, maybe he finds it harder than you do. It doesn't mean he's a bad bloke, I'm sure you wouldn't be with him if he was xx

QuiteLikely5 Wed 05-Apr-17 07:21:37

If he's treating your son with a lack of regard then you should absolutely out your foot down.

Start backing off from his kids and see how he likes it!

Talk to your son and share your worries - see how he feels

swingofthings Wed 05-Apr-17 07:35:43

Same here although OH doesn't have children. No communication at all with my 14yo. Like your OH he says that DS won't communicate with him but like you I see it that it is his fault it got to where it is.

OH has admitted that he feels guilty about the situation and know he should make an effort but says he can't get himself to do it.

I find it all sad because they used to be close but then DS got the hormones kicking in became rude, short tempered, slamming doors, forgetting about what a shower looks like and living in a pig sty. He is over most of this now though, only room issue left but them DD is no better actually worse but he gets along with her great. It's a pity he didn't appreciate that DS behaviour was due to hormons, would pass and he should rise above if because by DS is now a lovely teenager, gentle no trouble working hard at school but OH can't see that. At the moment he doesn't like him and I can't make him do so.

Like you DS isn't bothered at least not enough to affect him. I still believe that they'll rekindle their relationship when DS becomes an adult as they are both wonderful people but it is a pity that it is not the case now. Still better this then both being at each others throat as I've heard can often be the case and not just in step parenting cases.

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