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Do i give the ex a key to our new house?

(50 Posts)
leedsstepmother101 Tue 04-Apr-17 17:04:29

Some background...we have been together for 2 years and are buying a place together, moving in (hopefully...another story!) in a month or so. We live together in his house that he and his ex bought together, and she left him for another man (her current partner I think) about 4 years ago. They have a gorgeous 6 year old who we have 2/3 nights a week. I love being a step mum to him, its so special to share these years with him and im grateful to his mum that she makes it pretty easy for us all. There is no real bitterness and its amicable.

The issue is that essentially, I am living in her house. its still furnished with her stuff, im sleeping in their bed...weird. When she left, she didn't take anything, just her clothes and his baby stuff. They get on pretty well for the sakes of their son, so no one wants to rock the boat. It drives me crazy however that she comes and goes from our house as she pleases, still having her keys. She drops stuff off for him during the week without telling us beforehand and she will occasionally just let herself in of an evening to pick something up. I found this really hard at first, understandably I think. She drops her son off and collects him from ours, we never collect. Id be happy to, but its the routine we are in from when my boyfriend didn't want to go to the house of the man who had 'taken his family' (she moved straight in with him, weeks after the split with a 2 year old).

So, we are buying a house together, which is already causing issues as its a lot bigger than her place. We have 2 houses going into one and I have a pretty good job, we can just afford more. She has made it very clear that she is outright jealous that he is doing well and her son will have a lovely home to grow up in. She is expecting that we will give her a key so that things can carry on as usual...however I want to put my foot down and say no. I feel as its our space (well actually mine, its only me on the mortgage), I don't want his ex turning up unannounced or potentially nosing around when we aren't there....I would, its in our nature to be nosy right?! I know this might make life a little more complicated short term but I don't think its unreasonable.

Has anyone been in this situation before, from either side? What did you do? I don't want to cause WW3, but I also want to feel like this is our space, and that its private.

Holland00 Tue 04-Apr-17 17:06:25

No key! She absolutely has to respect your space.

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Tue 04-Apr-17 17:06:35

Fuck, no!!

Why on earth would she require a key??

MrsSchadenfreude Tue 04-Apr-17 17:08:15

Nooo, don't give her a key! She won't need one, and it's not the sort of thing it should be "nice" for her to have.

MrsSchadenfreude Tue 04-Apr-17 17:09:28

And get a new bed!!

Gogglerox Tue 04-Apr-17 17:09:48

Absolutely not a chance in hell would I let me DP's ExW have a key to my new home!!!
She can drop stuff off when you're there or arrange a time for you to collect from hers.
I would find this such an invasion of privacy and to be frank it's totally weird.
It's been a different situation being in "her" house I guess, but your new house is YOUR house as a couple. It is your private space and she has no connection to it other than that her kid lives there too.
If she suggests you giving her a key say "Of course, you give us one to yours first so I can return the favour of dropping his stuff of at yours"
See how she feels about that...

ElspethFlashman Tue 04-Apr-17 17:11:37

She's having a laugh.

There is zero reason for her to have a key. She'll just have to drop shit off when there's someone home!

Leopardpink Tue 04-Apr-17 17:11:47

No, no, a million times no!

And no again for good measure.

JonStark Tue 04-Apr-17 17:12:15

Fuck, no. No way on earth would this woman get a key to my house. I would be having an extremely serious conversation with my partner about this and discussing consequences if he gave her one anyway.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Tue 04-Apr-17 17:12:35

i think you have been hugely forbearing of her comings and goings to a house that is effectively buger all to do with her since she upped and left,
but to give her a key to the new place is just a joke. I'd laugh in her face and say "yeah right.....good joke! Bring me the key to yours and THEN we'll swap keys"

ElspethFlashman Tue 04-Apr-17 17:13:16

Make bloody sure your DP is rock solid on that though. He sounds like a pleaser. He could well give her a key, after all it'd be his house too so he could argue he doesn't need your permission.

jerryfudd Tue 04-Apr-17 17:13:20

Why the hell would his ex have a key to your house! Have you lost your mind even considering it! A no from me!

JustSpeakSense Tue 04-Apr-17 17:14:05

Tell her she can have a key to your house when she gives you a key to hers.

P1nkP0ppy Tue 04-Apr-17 17:15:02

Absobloodylutely no way!
Invasion of your privacy for a start and complete out of order.
Wtf is your DP thinking?

JonStark Tue 04-Apr-17 17:19:34

I wouldn't say she can have a key to yours if you can have one for hers. What if she takes you up on it? I'm sure you wouldn't let yourself in to her place but she definitely would yours!

CMamaof4 Tue 04-Apr-17 17:20:23

No way, and I agree with above poster get a new bed blush

Gogglerox Tue 04-Apr-17 17:27:05

See I definitely would let myself into the ExWs house a lot just so she knew how it felt to have someone else invading your home

leedsstepmother101 Tue 04-Apr-17 17:51:19

hahahahahaha!!! I love you all already. Fair point, and I hadn't even thought of the whole 'ill show you mine if you show me yours' angle here. I suppose its just what I've been used to for 12 months and my ex sees the benefit of an easy life for him.

She walked in when I had an unexpected day off a few weeks ago, just waltzed in while I was sat in my dressing gown with not a scrap of clothes on underneath. She stood and chatted for a while and I politely chatted back, then realised my boob and NIPPLE was handing out. Fuck my life.

Re the bed, im a fucking saint. Its gross that I have been sleeping in their bed for over a year, but as we always knew we were buying somewhere soon, we thought we'd wait until we knew the style we wanted etc. Basically its gross!

Magda72 Tue 04-Apr-17 17:58:00

No key, no key, no key!
Can't say it enough!
Am appalled that she would even ask/expect!!!!

SingingSilver Tue 04-Apr-17 19:23:25

I think it was Liz Hurley who said the bed, loo seat and house phone should always be changed between partners - and shortly after she got together with Shane Warne he was seen dutifully getting rid of his old mattress! grin

But of course she can't have a key to your home. It will be a good opportunity to discuss new groundrules going forward - including having one set of everything at both houses so there is no need to pop round for anything.

workingmumsarebad Tue 04-Apr-17 20:22:18

No key to your new house def.

However, she is still legally on the deeds then stopping her having access in her home, regardless of how she left - then you can not stop her.

TBH your DP sounds like a wet weekend and should have stopped it

SteppingOnToes Tue 04-Apr-17 21:55:53

I feel for you! DPs ex has a key for his house (which I now live in) and has turned up on a few occasions when I have been the only one in, or we have just been sitting down to tea - she will sit and try and chat and it drives me batty! The first time she waltzed in I didn't even know she still had a key...

When if we get somewhere together she will not be having a key

OP there is no reason for an ex to just wander in as they feel like, even if they are half on the mortgage. Even my overbearing mum will knock before actually opening the door herself. Gosh imagine if you were having sex on the rug in front of the fire!!

QuiteLikely5 Tue 04-Apr-17 22:07:43

Just no. Ridiculous!

Say it's not personal but how would you like it if I had a key to your house?!!?!

Mombie2016 Tue 04-Apr-17 22:13:35

Wtf NO

My ex has just bought a house

If he tried to give me a key I'd think he was losing his fucking marbles

Gogglerox Tue 04-Apr-17 22:31:50

I got some spare keys cut and SD12 has one and DP suggested giving one to SD8... I said over my dead body. He asked why and I said logically the 12 yr old gets the bus up to see her dad and is old enough to come and go as she pleases which is fine, 8 yr old having a key means in reality ExW would have a key as SD8 would not be able to just "pop by" alone, so ExW would be the one bringing her into our house!!!
ExW was once allowed to have our spare key because her washing machine had broken and she needed to wash some of the kids clothes so my DP said to use ours on her lunch break from work as we're close to her office. Was supposed to be 1 wash that time and key to be left in the house when she went.
I wasn't happy about it... but even more unhappy when I came back from work 3 days later to find our washing machine on and full of all her underwear and she'd clearly rummaged through our post.

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