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Please help!!

(11 Posts)
uka888 Mon 03-Apr-17 11:31:19

Hi, I'm hoping some of you can help! Bit of background info-
I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and he has two boys, I don't have any children. We went through a time of having ups and downs this time last year when he was finding it hard to balance the stresses of his job, the boys and making time for our relationship but we got through that and things had been great the last few months. I have had a great relationship with the boys (4 and 6), and over time have been spending more and more time at his whilst still living at mine (around 5/6 nights a week at his). He sees the boys a couple times a week. I felt we were getting close to moving in together since Christmas and thought it could happen at some point this year. Now I have no idea about our future. In the last few weeks his eldest has been diagnosed with adhd by the school and I feel my partner is just pushing me away. He's said he feels i've been there too much and he needs to have more time with the boys by himself. Whereas previously he has really wanted me involved and used to say how good i was with the boys, I now feel completely pushed out. He wont really talk to his family and friends about it so I cant speak to them. I just feel I've gone from being so happy to really unsure about if we can make it through this. I understand its probably a shock about the adhd (although I was half expecting it) but what if he continues to just push me away?

Wdigin2this Mon 03-Apr-17 11:39:59

That's so sad, but I don't think you have many choices here. Basically, he needs to get his head around this new development, plus he's probably blaming himself for not recognising the problem earlier, and maybe also you for taking up his time! That of course has triggered a knee jerk reaction, causing him to block you out. So, all you can do is, give him whatever time he needs, be supportive of any procedures or plans he wishes to introduce...,and just be there for him! It's a case of waiting this out, and see how things go before making any big decisions!
I hope things out for you all!

yikesanotherbooboo Mon 03-Apr-17 11:42:59

Your BF sounds very decent in that quite rightly he is prioritising his children. He wouldn't be worth having if he didn't. They are still young and with this extra issue to learn to manage I am sure his behaviour is understandable. Support him by text and phone and see what time brings

uka888 Mon 03-Apr-17 12:06:03

I'm just really scared of getting hurt and loosing the three of them. I don't feel like I can talk to him about how I'm feeling because he's just trying to carry on half normal in between shutting me out! Him and his family have always said I'm really good with the boys, and he has always wanted my help, I'm just confused now that he isn't hoping I will be there to help him instead it seems like he wants to deal with it all by himself.

needsahalo Mon 03-Apr-17 12:38:40

My children have special needs. It took a lot to accept it. There is a process to be gone through in terms of accepting it and you will probably find it will work its way through. Don't push, be supportive and realise that at the moment, his children are his priority.

NewLevelsOfTiredness Mon 03-Apr-17 12:59:19

I know that since I moved in with my girlfriend, whenever there have been small problems with the kids she analyzes the time we spent together as being to blame. I also know that this is largely because in a life dedicated to her children, I'm the thing that she chose to make herself happy.

This is even having quizzed me to hell and back on various issues and philosophies regarding children and raising them beforehand, to make sure I'd be a suitable step-father. This is even knowing that being happy herself enables her to keep a happier home for her children.

Her children are her world and part of her can't help feeling guilty that she took such a step based on what she wanted for her own happiness.

Given how recent and sudden this is for him, could it be similar? In our case it's smaller issues but the reaction is still there - obviously this diagnosis is a bigger thing so is there a chance he feels like he missed the signs or similar because he was letting himself find happiness?

If your relationship with the kids is as you describe, maybe when they note your absence they'll end up helping the situation by not being overly impressed by it!

uka888 Mon 03-Apr-17 13:50:35

I don't think he missed the signs, we knew for a while he was waiting to be assessed and for the last year have spoken on and off about there been the possibility of something else, I think my partner chose to try and blank it out. Seeing me hasn't meant he has seen the children any less, we took them away on holiday last year together because he felt too guilty just to go away with me, his routine with them hasn't changed at all since meeting me, apart from now he sees them a little more. His family have always said how good I am with the children and how their behavior has improved since I've been around, I think at first he may have found that nice but now maybe he feels he should be able to improve their behavior himself.

Its just really hard having gradually got so close to the boys in the last one and a half years, taken each step slowly, to now feel like a complete outsider.

gingina Mon 03-Apr-17 16:01:23

Honestly I'd walk away
This is the first major hurdle you have had to face as a couple and he has shut you out and made you feel terrible.
He can't just have you around for the good times and leave you stranded when the REAL parenting starts. How utterly horrible and disrespectful.
I'd see it as a big fat warning telling you to keep your house and independent life intact and not to move In with someone so selfish and heartless.
They are his kids but he has encouraged you to build a relationship with them and he can't just expect you to step away when it suits him!!!

needsahalo Mon 03-Apr-17 16:14:35

He can't just have you around for the good times and leave you stranded when the REAL parenting starts. How utterly horrible and disrespectful

What is not real about realising your child has a diagnosis that will impact on the rest of their lives? Have you experienced that? It is overwhelming.

swingofthings Mon 03-Apr-17 16:47:20

NewLevelsOfTiredness, what you say is so so true, and really find myself in your words. As a single mum, who has always worked FT in a very demanding job, I have constantly battled with my conscience to be sure that I made the right decision working FT and then to allow myself to be looked after by my husband, time that is taken away from my time with my kids.

I think the difference is that when you're a single parent, you experience dedicating all your time and attention to your kids and usually seeing the benefits of doing so. A 'normal' family would from the start be used to sharing attention and time. The single parent has to deal with the fact that by being with a new partner, they have to reduce the same time they were spending with their kids, and knowing that bringing someone else in the mix doesn't replace the dynamics of a 'normal' family, where mum and dad both give attention, time and love to the children.

You therefore find yourself trying to do the right thing by everyone, giving your partner the attention they require, especially when you are not yet sharing a household, whilst still giving your children the totality of time and attention they would get in a 'normal' family, constantly feeling that you can't give to either all what you wish you could.

When your children show all the signs that they are happy and well balanced, you think you do a good job of it, but when suddenly they show signs of problems, that could be caused by a lack of attention and time, your instinct is to want to resolve this.

OP, do your SS live with their dad FT? I expect your OH believes that the level of attention he has given you has taken away the attention he thinks he should have given his kids, and that is a contributory factor, if not the reason why the child has attention issues.

If you want your relationship to move forward, I would suggest you show your OH that you understand how he feels and that you are prepared to take a bit of step-back to give him more time with his kids. The question is: could you live with this, that is slowing thing down, maybe not being there as often, accepting that you come second?

Your OH will need to find the way to feel confident that he is a good dad, even when he is thinking about his own happiness with you and that the issues are either not related with the situation at all, and/or that he can still provide his children enough attention to deal with the issue in a positive way.

gingina Mon 03-Apr-17 23:01:26

@needsahalo
I didn't say it isn't overwhelming. It's a life changing thing to go through but that doesn't mean you can turn your back on the person who until that point has been supporting you and will help you through it.
It's not the OPs fault, she is trying to help and offering support but being pushed out.
Personally that would make me want to walk away.

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