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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

New to half holidays - does this sound right?

36 replies

SteppingOnToes · 02/04/2017 13:19

DPs ex has insisted that he does half of all school holidays. He is delighted with this as he had to go to court to get the limited custody he does get. The U part - she wants him to pick them up each morning and drop them at 20:30 each evening. Is this how it usually works?

We assumed that as he was having them mon-weds of this holidays that they would just not go home on the sunday as they normally do but he would drop them at 20:30 as usual.

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SteppingOnToes · 02/04/2017 13:20

at 20:30 on the Weds.

The half holidays on this occasion has come as a bit of a shock as he didn't find out about this until the Thurs - fortunately he has been able to take time off work.

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Astro55 · 02/04/2017 13:22

Sorry that's a bit confusing!

How old are they?
Are they staying over from Sunday to Wednesday but mum wants they to sleep at her home?

Is DH off work to care for them?

ZilphasHatpin · 02/04/2017 13:22

Sounds like she is trying to get round the number of nights reduction for child maintenance.

jules179 · 02/04/2017 13:23

That seems odd. Why does she want it that way, half the week seems more logical?

Astro55 · 02/04/2017 13:24

I thought half the holidays meant 6/13 type full weeks rather than half a week!

WateryTart · 02/04/2017 13:25

I suspect she's afraid he'll want to pay less child support.

In his place I'd just tell her they were staying, he's as much their parent as she is and she doesn't get to dictate.

SteppingOnToes · 02/04/2017 13:25

*How old are they?
Are they staying over from Sunday to Wednesday but mum wants they to sleep at her home? *

They are 5 and 10. They normally stay Fri-Sun but they are going to be there mon-weds also - but sleeping at her house.

Sounds like she is trying to get round the number of nights reduction for child maintenance.

God - I hadn't even thought of it like this. That might be a possible explanation.

So what would happen if we wanted to take them away for a week during the hols - could she stop that? He's not had a holiday with them in 4 years - they think that a one night stayover in Blackpool is a holiday :(

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SteppingOnToes · 02/04/2017 13:28

Cross posting - didn't expect so many replies so quickly!

I thought half the holidays meant 6/13 type full weeks rather than half a week!

That's what I thought too...

I suspect she's afraid he'll want to pay less child support.

He already pays more than the CSA amount, plus all activities and uniforms (and they have expensive hobbies), and she lives in his house rent free, so I don't think she's got anything to worry about on that front.

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NeverTwerkNaked · 02/04/2017 13:28

We have kids around that age and we do alternate weeks, so 7 nights at each house.
Do they normally stay overnight?

Does sound like it is potentially tied to child maintenance as that is based on no of nights. Unless she has welfare concerns? Or they have any special needs/medical needs?

NeverTwerkNaked · 02/04/2017 13:29

Sounds like she using him as childcare rather than letting him be a parent!

SteppingOnToes · 02/04/2017 14:20

Sounds like she using him as childcare rather than letting him be a parent!

That's how I see it but he doesn't want to say anything for fearing rocking the boat - it's 3 days extra he gets to spend with his kids.

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LobsterMac · 02/04/2017 14:36

What would happen if he just texted her at 8.30 to say he was keeping them overnight?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 02/04/2017 14:39

Free childcare and full cms!!
You are being had imo!!
And surely a 5year old should be in bed by 20 30 anyway??

SteppingOnToes · 02/04/2017 14:46

And surely a 5year old should be in bed by 20 30 anyway??

That's another story totally - DSD10 has clubs on Weds and Fri until 20:30 so bedtime is never before then for DSS5

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SteppingOnToes · 02/04/2017 14:46

He hands DSS5 back bathed and in his PJs ready for bed.

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averythinline · 02/04/2017 14:57

Why is he handing them back? have never heard of that before...

half holidays usually means full days so in a two week Easter holiday one parent gets a week each....this can be divided up to suit (often depending on the bank holidays and often worked out over the whole year so each parent can miximise leave/shifts at work etc so one may do half terms eg May and October and the other do Easter (usually a fortnight) then split the 6 week summer by 3 weeks each either in lumps - so you can take a fortnight holiday...

this seems to be how it works for my friends that are seperated although i know a 50/50 where they just alternate weeks all year irrespective of school holiday...

SteppingOnToes · 02/04/2017 15:10

It's weird isn't it?

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SteppingOnToes · 02/04/2017 15:14

I'm at work and just text him to see what the plans are for tonight when I get back from work (8pm) - ie do I need to pick up food or will he be cooking. I've also said the situation is weird - he's gonna fall out with me...

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Butterymuffin · 02/04/2017 15:15

In his shoes I'd say 'no problem, I'll keep them the whole time, I'd be delighted. Just send more clothes with them'. And insist that half holiday means overnights too. Sounds like she wants to have the days free, either for work or some other reason, so he has some leverage. Unfair for her to dictate all of this.

SteppingOnToes · 02/04/2017 15:29

Just send more clothes with them'

She doesn't ever send them with clothes - she sends them in their school uniform.

Sounds like she wants to have the days free, either for work or some other reason, so he has some leverage.

Some other reason as she is a SAHM

Unfair for her to dictate all of this

That's how it is - if he complains she threatens court and withdrawing visitation :(

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WateryTart · 02/04/2017 15:37

Time to call her bluff.

SteppingOnToes · 02/04/2017 17:11

WT - he won't, he's terrified she will stop contact (she has done before). Before she let him know he needed to take time off work she had been saying she needed to review whether he could see them at all due to him having a drink problem - he doesn't, she just doesn't like him having anything to drink when the kids are around. He (once) had a couple of beers on a sat evening (I don't drink) and she gave him a lecture about their needing to be a responsible adult in the house. I guess I don't count lol

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bluejelly · 02/04/2017 17:16

Sounds odd, but probably best not to get too involved (and I say that as a step -mum myself).

SteppingOnToes · 02/04/2017 17:26

Bluejelly - I'm trying not to. It's just hard watching him being taken for a mug because he loves his kids. But then if it works for him...

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Debrathezebra · 02/04/2017 18:34

Focus on the children, not the ex. It really doesn't matter what her motivation is, the children are getting more time with their Dad and that's a good thing, provided they are happy with that.

It is a bit odd to hand them back overnight but who knows, perhaps if that goes well for the children she'll suggest they stay the nights herself. Better that than acrimony.

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