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Truth Dilema. Please read :(

(13 Posts)
KittenCait Fri 31-Mar-17 03:10:50

Long story short. My Ex and I had a beautiful baby girl, that's all the good I can say there. He was abusive and controlling and left us when she was barely a few months old. I met my current fiance when my girl was 7 months, he had a son also from a previous relationship who is also 7 months. He has been the only parent figure in my girls life. She's had operations and he's been at our side. She started calling him Daddy and he accepted her as his own. She is now 5 , 6 in July. She has a close relationship to my soon to be step son and loves my fiance. We are getting married this year.

One thought that troubles me is , well, when do I tell my daughter the truth? My fiance wants to adopt her one day, I know if we tried now my ex would make it difficult for me , she's a smart girl. She will notice that her 'brother' is the same age and figure it out more. How can and how do you even go about doing it? I know I will have to tell her one day. What age? Will she hate us for lying ? It's a big worry. Please anyone who has been through it or has advice please please answer. Thank you

MommaGee Fri 31-Mar-17 03:15:41

Can your get a book about step families? Explain that you want to tell her a story and then do the that's like you - Daddy picked you after you were born etc?
Does DSS live with you?

StrawberryJelly00 Fri 31-Mar-17 03:20:04

Agree with PP.
Keeping it a secret from her is not in her long term interest.
There are alot of books on amazon that explain different types of families in lovely child friendly ways - also maybe as she gets older you can create a 'life story' book or family tree to help her understand.

MuffinMaiden Fri 31-Mar-17 03:34:25

My partner's genetic father didn't want to know, his father adopted him from birth as far as I'm aware. He's always known, and he's always considered his adoptive father to be his father, even though he's no longer with his mum.

happydays2017 Fri 31-Mar-17 05:31:26

I think this is a bit like adoption, and the advice given when adopting is relevant, it is really important to say the truth periodically from when they are tiny so it sinks in without fuss and drama. My son said to me recently that he can't remember me telling him but he has always known he was adopted. Find a child friendly way of saying it .... " Daddy is your forever, proper daddy, sometimes your daddy isn't the one who made you with your mummy, Daddy is one of those special Daddies"

LevantineHummus Fri 31-Mar-17 06:30:32

Agree with the above. There's no shame in having a different father. You're all a family now. If you make it a big deal then it will become one too. And in a way it's not. She's got a great dad! Her biological one is just different.

Joinourclub Fri 31-Mar-17 07:29:21

What is the situation with DSS, does he live with his mum? She must know that you are not his mum so the idea that your do is not her dad shouldn't be too odd

KittenCait Fri 31-Mar-17 08:24:37

He does live with his mother. They are 2 months apart in age and do not go to the same school.

wheresthel1ght Fri 31-Mar-17 09:32:56

personally I would do it sooner rather than later and be sure to explain that your Fiance chooses to love her and that is extra special. I wouldn't tell her that her sperm donor didn't want to know her but I would find an age appropriate way of telling her not sure how you manage that to be honest though.

Could you speak to her school - they may have access to a counselling service or the school nurse who may be able to help you out with ways to explain it to her.

KittenCait Sat 01-Apr-17 02:57:16

Thank you all. It's given me something to think about. I'm incredibly nervous when I think about it all. I don't want to hurt her

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sat 01-Apr-17 03:09:12

Do it now, asap. And very naturally. Just start talking about it and have books around and stuff. The longer you leave it the worse it will be.


relaxo Sun 02-Apr-17 11:42:27

I think that she will take it much better now than later. If you don't tell her, you risk someone else (like her stepbrother) accidentally dropping a bombshell.

Finola1step Sun 02-Apr-17 11:45:55

Tell her. She is old enough to know.

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