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Is my dp in the wrong or me

(63 Posts)
flossyfloss Tue 28-Mar-17 21:34:21

I have 3 kids and work full time, have kids shared with ex dp, Been with current dp 2 years and he has no kids. My kids go to after school care all week. I had a chat with him a few weeks ago about him picking the kids up from school rather than childminder - saves money and gives him sometime alone with them to build the relationship.

It went ok for first couple of weeks but lately he says they moan and complain about things I.e what's for tea etc and he has a low tolerance for it.

Today I told him I have to work an extra hour one of the days he collects and he moaned and said "oh god so I've got 2.5 hours of moaning to enjoy - great!"

It really upset me, aibu? I think he should be using the time to build a relationship, he says I've got a cheek and it's "helping me out"

Am I being over sensitive?

ImperialBlether Tue 28-Mar-17 21:36:34

Why are you living with him? He clearly would rather not be with your children. How do you think they feel?

BubbleBed Tue 28-Mar-17 21:38:30

So does he pick them up every day? That's a lot of enforced bonding time, when he's not been hands on. How much interacting was he doing before? Or disciplining?

Bluntness100 Tue 28-Mar-17 21:45:38

Honestly? I could be involved with someone, like their kids, live together,happily, build a relationship and still not be particularly chuffed about having to child mind them every afternoon. Especially if they whinged a lot and i had none of my own.

flossyfloss Tue 28-Mar-17 21:46:29

No he picks them up two days, before that it was none and I was always with them.

They seem fine and I've asked them how it's going and they see him as the adult in the house alongside me.

I really value your opinions.

Glitterbaby17 Tue 28-Mar-17 21:46:39

TBH I think every day is quite a lot for a 2 year relationship, especially if the person doesn't have their own kids. It takes some getting used to, particularly if he's used to having his own time, and 3 kids however lovely is hard work. Could you try every other day and give him some time to adjust?

flossyfloss Tue 28-Mar-17 21:48:08

It's just two days per week

BubbleBed Tue 28-Mar-17 21:50:24

Maybe he's just not ready for that? My DP 4 years on (though granted we don't live together) will have mine once a week for an hour or so for me to go running, but he doesn't love it. I have his son every now and then too, but it's not easy. Our children and parenting are slightly different, and we don't yet see each others kids through the rose tinted parental specs. Though we are getting there slowly! If he's not happy, i think you need to swallow the money and go back to the childminder.

flossyfloss Tue 28-Mar-17 21:54:44

Thank you so much for replies, I wish I'd posted here sooner. It's so helpful to hear different perspectives

Maybe you're right, maybe we should have just done 1 days to start and let that settle for a while.

This has made me think my expectations have been too high?

He's not a paternal kind of guy, he's still in his 20's and never had responsibility for kids before.

We are trying for our own baby so I suppose that's what's worrying me that I want my kids to feel part of our family as a whole once there is a new baby in the mix x

Funnyfarmer Tue 28-Mar-17 21:56:39

Where do you see this relationship going? Marriage? More kids? Growing old together? If so then he clearly doesn't feel you are all a family if he sees minding them as a favour to you.

flossyfloss Tue 28-Mar-17 21:57:34

I've made him sound terrible I. My last post!!

I meant he's doesn't really have the skills to deal with and interact with kids! He does really want a baby together and I can see he will blossom when he has his own as his paternal feelings kick in

RandomMess Tue 28-Mar-17 21:59:14

Those few hours after school are hellish!!!

I love my DC as does DH but picking them up and getting them home from school and the low level moaning is bl**dy draining.

At least now they are all at secondary school they get themselves home, then a snack, then skulk in their rooms until we can be civil to each other grin

So I think your expectations of it being a good bonding time are rather idealistic tbh.

Funnyfarmer Tue 28-Mar-17 22:00:20

Posted before I read your reply. But I would definitely hold off from ttc if he's not excepting your children as his responsibility yet. What's going to happen when you have a baby? He'll look after his own but not yours?

flossyfloss Tue 28-Mar-17 22:04:21

I have thought about that. I am imaging that as a pregnancy progresses and the reality of a newborn hits that we will gel more as a family of that makes sense, that it will blend us all together? Am I being idealistic about that too? I do tend to romanticise things so it's good to hear your opinions.

We have been ttc for over a year and it's not happening yet, I'm getting older so worried that time is running out. We've had fertility tests and all clear on both sides.

We could delay it for a few months but will things change in that time?

Funnyfarmer Tue 28-Mar-17 22:05:11

Probably not the best time for bonding no. But is part of the parcel when you start a relationship with a mother. You'll will have to some of parenting graph too

BubbleBed Tue 28-Mar-17 22:06:38

It takes time to create that bond. And i disagree that the children are as much his responsibility. It doesn't work that black and white for every family, and doesn't have to. But you do both need to be happy, and find what works for you. Is there a big age gap though if he's only in his twenties? That would make me cautious about ttc tbh, but that's my personal opinion.

BubbleBed Tue 28-Mar-17 22:07:55

Has he taken them anywhere without you before now? Has he had them for an hour whilst you do the shopping, or go to the gym? Little bits here and there? Before getting thrown into the witching hour deep end?

Funnyfarmer Tue 28-Mar-17 22:13:29

Think you need a serious chat about the way you both expect things to be in the future regarding the children and how much of a role he would like to play and how much of a role you would like him to play. They already have a dad so no-one will be expecting him to play dad but I think you should definitely make sure your on the same page before you get pregnant.
Even if your not quite where you want to be at with regards to their relationship. If you've both got the same ideas about what kind of relationship you want them to have in the future that's great. But you might find you both have different ideas

flossyfloss Tue 28-Mar-17 22:13:46

Hi bubblebed

Yes he has been doing little bits like that for a while, nips to the shops with one of them or takes one for a walk. Watches them if I have to nip out for an hour somewhere, not all the time but multiple occasions before the deepend!

He's 30 this year and I'm 36. Should I reduce it down to one day? Or stop it all together and just ask that he makes a conscious effort once a week to spend time with one of them for an hour etc?

m0therofdragons Tue 28-Mar-17 22:20:37

My dc after school can be draining. Now I give them a snack / drink and get out an activity for them to do then TV while I get dinner. Makes life so much easier and everyone knows the plan. Kids whine more when hungry so maybe you need to skill him up and drop it to 1 day a week otherwise he's seeing it as a bind/chore. Kids are fab at pressing buttons on tired adults.

RandomMess Tue 28-Mar-17 22:22:06

I think more than anything just acknowledge that they aren't at their best and he is saving family money by doing it, plus he will need to learn to deal with the daily drudgery at some point.

Funnyfarmer Tue 28-Mar-17 22:46:07

What would he like to do op? Drop it altogether? Or just do one day ?

BubbleBed Tue 28-Mar-17 22:47:21

I don't think he will suggest time just him and the kids. Is there something you could do once a week to begin with, like a hobby, for when the kids are in a better mood?

Tbh i would put them back in childcare, or ask him if that's what he wants. There's nothing wrong with it. I can't deal with my kids before school tbh, trying to get them to eat as well as everything else, so i put them in breakfast club. That's my choice as their parent 🙈😂

AtrociousCircumstance Tue 28-Mar-17 22:47:31

Don't have a kid with him. He isn't up to it. He isn't good enough for your kids.

BubbleBed Tue 28-Mar-17 22:49:41

That's a little harsh atriotious. Most of us get experience of kids as they grow, from birth onwards. It's not easy to take on older kids and be good at it from the off. Equally, we love our kids unconditionally. A step parent needs to let that grow. It's onlybeen a couple of years and he's not had experience before. Doesn't mean he will forever be shit though.

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