feel a bit sick

[schmurfs]

Posted in 30 days only but not got any replies, so posting here, sorry if its the wrong place. I will copy and paste:

I am going to be as vague as I can here, I hope my post isn't pointless, I feel rather sick and don't know what to think.

Been seeing BF for a year. I came out of an LT EA relationship about 4 years ago and I have been really happy since meeting new BF. We plan a future together.

Recently his ex has accused him of being abusive during their marriage. I can't believe he could be abusive...I have known him for a year and don't see any signs. He has always been open about their relationship and admitted where he has done wrong and behaved badly (this behavior I wouldn't class as abuse).

Of course he denied the accusations. He says she is accusing him because she wants to reduce contact time with his DC and wanted legal aid for court. And that she is jealous of the time I have spent with their DC. This has all kicked off since I was introduced to the DC about a month ago.

I don't know what I am asking, or why I am posting this. I don't believe he could be abusive but then again am I being naive because I am in love and because I want our relationship to work? Could it be that she is jealous that I have been introduced to their DC? I am happy to reduce the amount of time I spend with them if it helps (our time together is very limited anyway, maybe once or twice a month)

Please help me get my head straight!

[Justmuddlingalong]

What did his bad behaviour in his previous relationship entail?

[xStefx]

Well I would wait and see yourself if you spot any signs of abuse
Also: Keep an eye out about how he talks about his ex, if he blames her for everything then he may not be as he seems, if he takes responsibility for things then he may be the nice guy you think he is.

My ex slagged off his ex wife so much, I just knew she couldn't be as bad as he was making out. She wasn't, me and her are friends now and ive been away from him for 9 years.

Keep in the back of your mind what she has said, but make your own decision.

[schmurfs]

He admits to some verbal abuse towards the end of their relationship (both ways - i.e. both shouting and name calling)

During the divorce he spent a week sending loads of emails to her solicitor, knowing she would have to pay for each correspondence - is this financial abuse???

[schmurfs]

He doesn't slag her off, but she makes him angry at times. He doesn't put the blame on her for the breakup, he knows it was the both of them, he said they treated each other terribly towards the end.

Its my own history of EA that makes me feel sick thinking about it

[Wishiwasmoiradingle2017]

Sounds a bit iffy that she says this when you have just met the dc!!
Dv has to have been logged with the police to receive legal aid.
She is a chancer.
Doubt anyone is a Saint in the last weeks of a break up so don't worry about those messages.
Keep an open mind about your relationship for your own safety but I would think some red flags would have been noticed by a year if he was that bad.

[schmurfs]

she called the police about 8 months ago saying he was harassing her via email but nothing came of it...

[Underthemoonlight]

I'm sure my ex DW wouldn't say he was emotional abusive but he was with me mainly after I had DS the abuse started. She's just had a baby so who knows it might be a trigger it's so sutble it starts will little comments and goes from there. A year of a relationship isn't very long your in the honeymoon stages so he will be on his best behaviour. I would keep an open mind if I were you.

[schmurfs]

Moonlight - Thank you for replying, I'm sorry I dont understand the first part of your post, can you rephrase? I agree, we are still in honeymoon phase and I will keep an open mind.The decision made in his absence is that he now will not see his son over the easter holidays and the time he will see him until his own hearing date has been hugely reduced.

I am flitting between thinking - "how awful for him to be wrongly accused" and "is he this awful person underneath the kind, generous, thoughtful, loving man - and I just haven't seen it yet"

I am petrified and sick and worried and sad and angry all at the same time.

If she has wrongly accused him in order to 1) receive legal aid and 2) get to court without him so that a decision is made in his absence - then that is an awfully manipulative, underhand and sneaky thing to do (she does have form for doing this).

If she has lied then that is awful...but its infinitely better than the alternative - that her accusations are true

[Petalbird]

Sounds to me like my dp exw she started giving us hell when I met the kids (turning up at the house to attack me , accusing him of everything she could think of in court). Try and ignore everything she says and go with your views of your dp. Don't cut contact with the DC this will make things worse in the future you need to build a stable relationship when dps ex realised she was getting no where and the courts weren't listening suddenly all the accusations stopped...

[schmurfs]

It does seem that she has been stirring up a lot of stuff since I met the DC.

[Mombie2016]

Has she been granted legal aid? Because if she is, he is definitely abusive. I had to provide a lot of evidence to get legal aid as a DV victim. It's not just a case of calling them and saying it. I've had to send reports from school, HV and police reports.

[Mombie2016]

There has to be evidence from reputable sources for a person to be granted legal aid. And a lot of it.

So if she has legal aid, she has evidence. Take what she is saying seriously. As an EA victim yourself I cannot understand why your first stance is to disbelieve her.

[schmurfs]

My first stance isn't to disbelieve her - that is why I am posting! I am really really confused

[Wtfdoipick]

During the divorce he spent a week sending loads of emails to her solicitor, knowing she would have to pay for each correspondence - is this financial abuse???

It is abusive behavior, whether it would come under financial is debatable it's more emotional i.e. I can still make you suffer even though we've separated. Is he repentant over his behavior, has he refunded his ex the money he cost her? Don't just listen to what he says look at what he does to correct errors he has made.

[Beachedwh4le]

nay who are you referring too? I'm confused as to who is the OP now.

[schmurfs]

He has been paying her double the amount the CSA claimed he should be paying, if this makes any difference? He seems to think she is a money grabber and is trying to fleece him...she wants to reduce the amount of time he spends with dc because she would get more money. He has been paying the full mortgage on the house since the split - although he has stopped that since all this kicked off.

I am not sure what money he has cost her, can you elaborate so I can think on it please?

Such a mess

[schmurfs]

sorry name change fail.

[minmooch]

Whatever is going on between them I think he will find himself in trouble for stopping payments of the mortgage. The mortgage payments are to provide a home for his children. This smacks of financial abuse.

As to the rest only time will tell.

[JustSpeakSense]

Halting the mortgage payments sounds very controlling to me (as if he's punishing her for misbehaving)

Also, the excessive emails to her solicitor (again financially punishing her)

Has she qualified for legal aid? (This could be a bad sign that he has indeed been abusive)

[schmurfs]

she agreed to pay the full mortgage. The place is sold and so she is only paying this month in full. He has agreed to 40% and so she will get 60% of the sale.

I will find out if she qualified for legal aid.

This is not sounding good, and it looks like I am blindly defending him.

[schmurfs]

I don't understand why she waits until many months after the decree nisi to claim abuse? She had the chance in couples counselling when they were together, then at mediation. All of a sudden when I come on the scene, and when she wants to have a decision made without him present to argue his case, she claims abuse?

I do agree that the financial thing is dodgy and I have told him this. But he justifies it well.

[AppleMagic]

Does he try to justify the email thing? It's so spiteful. It's not even like he was getting the extra money it was costing her, it was just punishing her (and indirectly their children).

[schmurfs]

How do I know who is telling the truth???

Of course he says he didn't systematically abuse her but that at the end of the relationship they were both verbally abusive to one another. And that he has done some stupid things since the split (emailing the solicitor for example).

I have seen evidence of her being underhand and sneaky, she has done certain things that would make me think she is manipulative, I know she has lied in the past as I have seen it, however is this because she knows she has to be this way as he is abusive? IYSWIM

[Underthemoonlight]

I'm pretty sure my ex's DW wouldn't say he was EA or even physical abusive but he was with me it all started when I had DS. She has recently just had a baby so it might be a trigger for him to repeat the same behaviour.

I certainly don't get involved with their relationship and DS has a good relationship with his DF but often or not people who are EA don't tend to change.