Ex has a manipulative and controlling girlfriend

[user1489908303]

Hi all, my ex has been in a relationship for about three years. In that time, his girlfriend has made sure he stops seeing all his friends and most of his family. she controls his every move and he has no communication with the outside world (she 'looks after' his phone which I am not allowed the number for) She also texts me pretending to be him when we need to make arrangements our son. She has stopped us talking face to face or on the phone. I cannot decide whether she wants to take over as mum to my son, or whether she hates him and is trying to get to me so that I stop him going over. My son has told me that if he mentions me when he is round there, she will get up and strop off out of the room, she has also insisted that she and my ex attend his parents evenings (they have never been to one since being together) from now on and his dad has even tried to get him to call her mummy when writing greetings cards (my son refused) -she can't have children which must be horrible, but her behaviour is not normal. My son tells me that she moans about me all the time and even re washes all of the clothes I send back as they smell 'horrible' - I don't think my ex could get out of this situation even if he wanted to - is she trying to muscle me out or is she waiting for me to fire up and stop my son going round so she can have my ex to herself? Thanks

[swingofthings]

There's absolutely nothing you can do, it's his life and if he happy with it, who are you to try to make him see that she isn't good for him?

How old is you son? Is a lot of what you wrote things that he relates back to you? Be careful not to take everything he says at face value as a lot could be said out of context and make it sound worse than it is, depending on his age.

Take things as they come rather than trying to foresee what the future holds and minimise contact as much as possible. Tell your son that it doesn't matter what she says about you because it doesn't upset you.

Just keep an eye on your son to ensure he is still happy to be there.

[user1489908303]

Thanks for your response - I have absolutely no intention of trying to talk to him about the situation, his private life is totally his to deal with.

My concern is my son - he is 9, most of it is what he's told me and I have found in the past that things have been taken out of context. But many of them are not - like on days when they have him I'll get a text saying he has asked to stay with them another night and when my son comes back the next day he'll ask why he couldn't come home the day before, they will make something up to tell him like I'm unwell etc.

You are right though, I need to take one thing at a time - its hard though as I always think things are going ok and then I'll get a shitty text about something out of the blue.

The latest was because I asked to have my son back for the afternoon of Mother's Day and I was told I was being inconsiderate! And next time they won't allow it!! I mean, come on!!

[JustSpeakSense]

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do, it's ex's life and relationship so that's his business.

I would try and not let your DS feel he is 'in the middle' of all and needs to report back to you, that could make his time at their house quite stressful.

If you continue to be normal, pleasant and rational, her crazy will begin to show.

Is your DS too young to have a mobile phone to take with so he can stay in touch with you while there over weekends?

[user1489908303]

Sensible advice - and it's been what I've tried sticking to the last three years, just hard sometimes!

I have told him he can have one when he is 10 so only a couple of months and then he can stay in touch, I'm hoping this will make things easier for everyone then - thanks again x

[Footle]

He needs it now.

[swingofthings]

OP, all I can say is that I was in a very similar position to you when my ex got with his girlfriend when my kids were 7 and 4. The first year was awful and left me very stressed.

10 years on and I feel totally differently to the point where I would have no issues having a conversation or even maybe socialising with my kids' SM. We have no direct contact but I overall have a very different opinion on the person she is than what I had at the time and I know it is the same with her.

Your son is 9, so getting to an age where you will be able to reduce contact to almost nothing. I reduced contact to the max by getting DD a mobile phone when she was 10 and encouraged her to make arrangements with her dad herself. She was fine with it and it worked a lot better. There were the occasional email with my ex but that dwindled to nothing and that was the best for everyone around.

I now have no complaint about his partner at all. She treats my kids respectfully, and is happy for them to come and go as they wish. She doesn't try to be their mum but does show some genuine interest in their lives. I never thought when she first came into their lives that I would be writing this one day!

[user1489908303]

Thanks for that, glad things worked out for you. And hopefully they will for us!

Footle - my contract runs out in the next few weeks so thinking of giving him my phone then and I'll upgrade

[user1490008614]

Or at least an iPad where he can iMessage and FaceTime you.

Was there a messy break up between you and the ex? She seems overly jealous and there must be a reason.

[user1489908303]

No, we split up amicably when our son was very young and I have since moved on and been with my husband for seven years and have more children. I have tried been friendly, I've tried arguing back, I've tried everything but she just hates me no matter what I do!

[badgerread]

User1489 you could be me! My ex has a girlfriend of 3 years and has totally taken over. ExH and I used to have an amicable relationship, we went to parents evening, school plays etc together. Now she 'looks after' his phone. Won't let him come into my house to catch up about the children. Won't let him come to any joint events. Has 'encouraged' him to stop contributing to one of our Dc's school fees saying it should come from the maintenance each month. She has 4 children of her own so it's not as if she hasn't got anything else to be doing! He should grow a pair obviously. I feel your pain I really do!

[swingofthings]

Sometimes I wonder whether it is the 'being amicable' that is the issue because it is seen as a potential threat that there could be a reconciliation. I can't help but think that is some circumstances, new partner feels much more at ease when there is animosity with the ex from the start.

I know that my ex girlfriend felt threatened because I am the one who left him and it was clear that he was still in love with me (although he always acted with dignity once he accepted that it was over) and I remained very close to his family (because they wanted to and had no reason to stop spending time with me). Combining this with the fact that she is naturally an insecure person and clearly she wanted to be sure that she ruled the roost.

Actually, thinking about it, things got better when I met my now husband and by then she'd been with my ex for a couple of years and she could finally rest that the chances of him and I ever getting back together were as high as me flying to the moon!