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Sick of Ex Always Letting DS Down - long and ranty

(11 Posts)
TiredofITall1 Tue 14-Mar-17 15:32:44

So not to drip feed I haven't been with ex since DS was 2. Always encouraged a good relationship between the 2 of them, at first things were amicable enough - I even let him claim WFTC as if DS was living with him FT (it was more like 60/40 with the 60 at mine) of which all I asked was that he pay the CM on days he was at his and he gave me £10 maintenance.

HE then started seeing someone who was and still is married. She started dictating and acting as go between with us as my ex became more difficult in interacting with me and after she told him he shouldn't let his other ex just walk into his house with his DD (DS's half sister) he rowed with other ex and now has been NC for 15 years and not seen his GD (not really relevant but just wanted to give context on fickleness).

Now DS is 17 nearly 18. A very brief list of let downs are:
Told him not to go on school trip as he didn't want to contribute and promised he would take him away instead - never happened.

Told DS if he saw me in local town (when DS was about 4/5 that he wasn't to come and say hello if he was with him as he lives with me.

Told me that if I was asking hime to choose between married friend and son he would pick married friend any day.

DS had very bad asthma - ex refused to bring spare inhaler, DS ended up in hospital, I was told 2 hours later he would be blue and floppy. HE stayed at party at married friends house and asked if he could come and see him 2 days later but that I needed to leave hospital first.

Now this is where it gets tricky. Last year he booked to take DS away for his birthday (never checked with me but due to DS's age I did say it was up to him). 2 months before he got diagnosed with prostate cancer and couldn't go as op was scheduled just before they went. He told me he couldn't now afford clothes or spending money for DS so I would have to do it. Then kept changing it so he was saing to DS yes he would sort it and texting me saying I haven't got money. DS was so annoyed because he could tell I was stressed (was on 20% reduction in pay, my DH had been made redundant plus lost obviously maintenance then as he wasn't going to be working so not paying) and when I was trying to find a way to sort clothes and spending money DS got arsey with me saying well i can't rely on him can I, he always says he is going to do stuff and never does (he was worried about going on hols and not having enough money when he was there for food etc. In the end I managed to borrow money of my parents and nan to sort it.

He had op and they believed they got all the cancer, he has not had to have chemo or radiotherapy BUT has had massive complications and not due to go to work again now until June/July.

DS really wants to go Uni in Sept, he wanted to be residential but on my and DH wages he would get minimum maintenance loan which doesn't even cover cost of accommodation. Ex told me he could't help financially as he has no benefits and is living of SSP but then DS asked if he could move in with him so he can get higher loan amount (wouldn't actually live there as he will be residential at Uni). I told him that I didn't think ex would do it but he asked and ex said yes. I warned him that it may not go through but ex still assured him that it would. Ex text me yesterday telling me that actually he has spoken to benefits people and he can't have DS move in with him cos his benefits go down (even though DS is a dependent and full time student). I was so upset that instead of letting it go I text him back saying that I knew he would let him down and so came the abuse.

Now I know he is ill and I genuinely don't want to make it worse for him but this is just another example of him letting DS down. I have suggested loads of times for him not to commit unless he knows he can. I don't know how I am going to tell DS that he is going to have to rethink Uni.

Does it get easier - is there an actual age when I won't care? I am so hurt for DS as he has had all the worry over his dad. I threatened ex that I would show DS the messages in which he threatened me physically 3 times and the answerphone message of his cousin who was also threatening me with solicitors. I know I won't cos it would hurt DS so much that his dad would do such a thing but I amso sick of picking up the pieces and trying to sort everything out for everyone when he doesn't see through his promises.

For those with older DS's do you still have contact with ex?

I get I may be being unreasonably hard on him as he has had cancer (although he has always lied and been a let down regardless).

teenagetantrums Tue 14-Mar-17 15:41:43

I have a 30 year old and 22 year old not spoken to my ex for about 5years l think. He constantly lets them both down, makes promises he breaks, but l don't get involved anymore. I just lists to them rant about what a crap dad he is and give them a hug. Nothing more l can fo. Ironically now neither of them bother with him he keeps trying to contact them and make amends but nothing will make up for years of neglect and they don't seem to want to see him.

teenagetantrums Tue 14-Mar-17 15:43:26

That should say 20 year old not 30. Anyway you just do your best and ignore your ex his loss. Oh and he wont lse benefits from having a uni child registered at his address

TiredofITall1 Tue 14-Mar-17 15:55:56

Actually you have reassured me already. I know he won't and when I tried explaining that he said that I didn't know what I was talking about. That I was a disgusting f*****K B***H and vile and if I was in front of him then he would show me and if he was to drive round my house, police would be called and if he gets his hands on me blah blah blah.

I just feel in RL my family just say ah but his DS's dad and he isn't that bad etc. Now he has cancer (and I genuinely don't want him to be ill because DS loves him) I feel that I have to tip toe round even more and it is draining me. I don't know how to say regardless of your illness you have always been crap and always will be. I suppose I just need to ignore and block him so everything just goes between DS and him and then be there for DS. He hasn't told him yet he can't/wn't help. I think he is just going to wiat for me to do it and I don't want to as I want him to step up and take responsibility but am worried if he doesn't let DS know soon he is limiting his options or chance to do something else.

OrangesAndApples Thu 16-Mar-17 10:43:48

Hi, I have no advice on the ex (except to say I'm sorry and that it must be hard), but on the subject of Uni, if your DS really wants to go then he still can regardless of financial input from you or your ex.

I have a DS, now 22, and he decided to go to Uni even though I wasn't in a position to help him financially and neither was his father. We explained this to him and made sure that he understood that if he went, it would be funded by taking out student loans that he would have to pay back when he started work.

He actually got more than enough money to live on.

It's a big decision for an 18yo and not one that should be taken lightly as it does mean he would accrue a large debt. But if he truly wants a career where it's imperative that he has a degree in a particular subject, then it may well be worth it.

I made sure my son understood what he'd be taking on and explained to him why I couldn't contribute (both his father and I had jobs, but we also had three younger children and it just wasn't possible at the time).

Anyway, I'm just putting it out there that it's possible for young people to be self-sufficient and although it would be great if his dad could contribute, it doesn't sound possible/likely. Your DS shouldn't have to curtail his ambitions in life based on whether or not your ex will contribute, and he really doesn't have to as long as he's prepared to take on the financial implications himself.

Berthatydfil Thu 16-Mar-17 10:49:07

Let your ds go to uni, he will have to get a job to make up the difference beteeen his loan and his living costs.

StewieGMum Thu 16-Mar-17 11:00:17

You need to stop trying to protect your son from his shitty father. He should know about the threats and he needs to learn that his father will always let him down.

As for uni, you need to tell your son that his father is withdrawing the offer. You need to sit down with your son and discuss his options including taking a year to work in order to save to go. Most students have part time jobs and work through the summer to pay. Very few actually manage on parents income or loans.

ClemDanfango Thu 16-Mar-17 11:10:15

Cut contact with him, he needs to communicate with his son and stop using you as a go between. Your DS is almost an adult and will have to learn to deal with his dad now which will help him to see him for what he really is. You can't continue to 'rescue' him from his feckless father it's doing no one any good.

swingofthings Thu 16-Mar-17 14:14:47

Sorry but I'm confused. Isn't what you DS wants to do against the rules? ie. pretending to live with his dad when he actually won't and never had so he can't get a higher loan amount?

He got annoyed with his dad because when he was facing with the prospect of living with cancer, DS couldn't get new clothes and pocket money and YOU were stressed?

I can understand that your ex is one of those people who make promises that he doesn't follow through with, but I don't think your DS has much to judge him on with the way he is behaving himself.

His dad has major health issues and had to adjust to living on basic benefits and probably can't afford to lose anymore. Your son should be supportive rather than feeling sorry for himself and cry his sense of entitlement.

TiredofITall1 Fri 17-Mar-17 12:51:19

I get your point Swingof but no not quite right. It wasn't DS getting annoyed at no clothes or pocket money. It was me and even then it was the situation. Ex was telling DS that he would sort it all and he would make sure he had enough spending money and clothes and enough to eat (it was self catering holiday with Ex's side of the family). Then he was messaging me saying he couldn't afford to give him spending money and he would get him 1 pair of shorts (it was a 2 week holiday) but I would need to get the rest for DS. This was with 2 months notice. Then every time he spoke to DS he kept saying it was all sorted - by that he meant that I was going to do it. DS was stressed because it was stressing me out. Also this was not a holiday I had booked or been asked about or anything and when I suggested to ex that given the circumstances maybe DS shouldn't go then I was met with the same name calling and threats and abuse as I was stopping DS going on holiday (by EX not DS).

I get your point about cancer and I genuinely do hope he pulls through (although I believe this is likely as he has been told it is looking very positive) BUT he was like it before. Also just because he has caner I find it hard to make allowances for his shitty behaviour towards DS because he has always had a shitty attitude towards

When I was asking ex to pay maintenance (he left his job of 20years + and told DS that it was because he didn't want to pay through CSA anymore) he said no if things are that tight he can move in with me, I said ok then lets give it a go and he text backsaying he wasn't going to have him live there - just because that is the kind of person he is.

Also DS would love to support him and move him with him and offered to in May to be his carer as he leaves college then BUT Ex doesn't want him to. Ex has told him he will be back in work in 2 months and he doesn't want him to have a key.

It isn't him not doing the stuff that causes the problems as I have never relied on him, it is him agreeing or saying he will do stuff and then not that causes the problems.

Anyway I took on board some of the comments. Didn't tell DS about the threats but did tell him his dad had told me he couldn't do it and he needed to rethink how he was going to do it and needed a plan.

Told ex that I was not acting as go between anymore as he and DS needed to sort things out between them and that I was blocking his number as I was not prepared to put up with the threats and abuse.

HE then text DS to say send link as I am doing the stuff this week, I don't know if he just like the drama if I am involved or if he just doesn't like to go back on things if he has to tell DS himself or what. I give up on his game playing and at 18 nearly people are right - I need to take a leap back and let them sort things between themselves.

swingofthings Fri 17-Mar-17 14:18:27

I understand where you're coming from. I have the same ex! Totally unreliable, making promises he can't keep etc..., but then if he wasn't like this, maybe I would still be with him because I think it is very much what killed all my love.

My kids (17 and 14) have long learnt that it is the way he is and don't expect take much of what he says for granted. It doesn't stop them loving him though for his other quality, then just know that provider is not what he is, never was and never will. Indeed, he also doesn't pay maintenance. He did for a couple of months, then it stopped, then I had to bring it up which resulted in threats, then in promises, then more threats, then nothing, on and on until I couldn't take the stress any longer and I stopped asking. He's had a reliable job now for 2 or 3 years but not once did he suggest that he paid anything. He doesn't even pay for their train fare for them to go to his every week-end. I pay it, and do so reminding myself that it's not about him and his failures but about my kids right to have a relationship with their dad and his family.

So I really do get where you're coming from, but I do think that the cancer does change everything. Even if he had been a perfect dad, your son would have had to adjust to him not being able to rely on him in the same way.

You're absolutely right to step away from it and leave it to them both to sort out. I have long stopped communicating at all with my ex, probably about 4 or 5 years now. I have always been totally frank with my kids. I have always told them things as they are. They know that their dad has never paid maintenance, but I also always made it clear to them that we only 1 mum and dad and even though they are rarely perfect, they all have qualities that we need to cherish. They have long made up their mind about him and accept him the way he is, which is the best I could hope for for their benefit.

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