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DH has NC with DSC but I want our DC to know their siblings

(15 Posts)
AliChampion Thu 09-Mar-17 00:02:32

We have three (soon to be four) DC together and DH has two DC from his previous marriage. His relationship with his ex was difficult which made contact difficult. For several years we had my DSC the majority of the time but their mum would change or stop contact to suit her. Four years ago it stopped for a year. It was then reinstated and DSC were SO happy to see us but then it stopped again 18 months ago and DH hasn't done anything about that.

I miss my DSC and feel dreadful that they must think we don't love them. As a very minimum, I'd like them to have a sibling relationship with my DC but how can this be possible if DH won't sort things out with regards to contact for himself? I feel like they will all blame us for not knowing one another in the future but I feel powerless to do anything about it. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 09-Mar-17 13:46:01

I haven't been there and I can't imagine how difficult that must be. What does your DH say when you ask him about it? Is he never planning to see these two children again? Why has he not made any moves to get contact reinstated?

How old are the DSC? Do you think in time they might get in touch and make arrangements with you independent of their DM?

That's a lot of questions, and you don't need to answer them, but it might help with the fuller picture.

I don't see how there's anything you can do if you DH has effectively written off his first family, which must be pretty ugly for you to live with, no matter how difficult his ex is being.

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 09-Mar-17 13:57:44

I think you always say we have 5 children, refer to the older 2 as their brother/sister, keep family pictures out etc so that the children are aware of them.

There was a short while where exW wouldn't let DSS come to ours but we carried on referring to him in conversations with the Dc and always acknowledged him if eg. on hols someone asked how many kids do you have?

Contact resumed (as happened before with you) and I don't think younger Dc even remember that there was a NC period at all.

AliChampion Thu 09-Mar-17 14:11:14

They're 8 and 10 so a way off being able to sort contact out for themselves yet. I think he thinks when they're teens they'll rebel against mum and come to him but realistically by then I think they'll thoroughly resent us all for, as they probably think, forgetting about them for several years.

I do still refer to them and write their names in cards etc but I don't think he likes that.

SookiesSocks Fri 10-Mar-17 06:57:52

DH hasn't done anything about that.


This would change how I felt about my DH tbh.
You sound lovely OP and I can see how difficult this situation is.

TartYvette Fri 10-Mar-17 07:09:04

We had a similar situation. To those who say why hasn't he challenged the sc's mother, it can be so physically and psychologically exhausting to keep up this battle. My dh believed all of the nasty negative things his dds mother said to and about him. He was not good enough for her so he also accepted that maybe she was better off without him, the trauma of him trying to visit, even when ordered, was impacting on his dd too. So mostly he accepted the sporadic contact assuming that she would know he was there when she was older. She did, but by then she had adopted her mothers view of him and it has made her as abusive towards him as her mother was and their relationship terribly dysfunctional and difficult. She is abusive and he is constantly trying to compensate. She is in her late 20s now so it is unlikely to change. Certainly both her parents were responsible for the outcome but given her mothers anger and bitterness and her fathers weakness I cannot see how it could have been any different. OP I did what has been suggested here, talked about sd, my children knew of her, met her whenever she was here but now I do not think her influence is a good one. I do not want them to see their father abused and practically begging for it. Our eldest is aware of the way their relationship works and chooses not to have contact with her sister. My dh has a weak character in this respect (not just with family) but I don't think that should give anyone license to abuse. Do keep writing their names, including them but bear in mind they may well be damaged by this war between their parents.

junebirthdaygirl Fri 10-Mar-17 07:24:08

Has he gone to court? If later his children see he went to court and did everything he coulx it migbt help them accept the situation. He should keep all the emails he sends to arrange visits and the replies. Does he financially support them?

AliChampion Fri 10-Mar-17 23:39:58

He just buries his head in the sand and would rather have nothing to do with his ex. He does pay maintenance and went to court once but then didn't do anything about it when she breached the court order. Since then he hasn't so much as sent a birthday or Christmas card or asked how they are. My heart breaks for them.

DurdleGirl Fri 10-Mar-17 23:44:09

Christ he sounds awful.

Regardless of how he feels about the mother thekids will know exactly how much effort he has expended towards them. Doesn't even bother sending a card? I doubt very much they'll bother with him in their teens.

A dad who fights for his kids and a dad who can't be arsed are a world apart.

AliChampion Fri 10-Mar-17 23:57:02

He uses the excuse that their mum wouldn't give it to them anyway and to be honest I could understand if she didn't because it'd open up old wounds every time but if I was her I'd save them and be happier that he at least hasn't completely forgotten them.

I set up an email account for them so he could send emails which hopefully one day they could read to know he'd never forgotten them. He didn't send even one angry

SchnitzelVonCrumb Fri 10-Mar-17 23:59:55

Your DH needs to grow the fuck up.

How can he call him self a father if he doesn't even send them cards.

Burying his head in the sand is no excuse

2014newme Sat 11-Mar-17 00:09:32

Deadbeat dad. It's horrendous feel very sorry for you and all the kids. See a solicitor Re getting contact for the siblings 💐.
Don't have more kids with him!

RainbowsAndUnicorn Sat 11-Mar-17 15:08:57

I'd have left him, any parent that simply walks away from their children and doesn't see them isn't a nice person in any shape or form. Those poor children, knowing their dad is too lazy to fight for them.

WannaBe Mon 13-Mar-17 18:09:36

Why are you having more children with this excuse for a father?

Seems like the ex had good reason for cutting contact. You do realise that if you ever split he will abandon your children as well?

TBH I would leave someone who made no effort to see his children, but equally I would think very little of someone who stayed in a relationship with someone who had walked away from his children. If you stay with him then you are as bad as he is.

twattymctwatterson Wed 15-Mar-17 21:04:39

I couldn't continue to love a man who shows such disregard for his own children. He's a deadbeat.

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