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(58 Posts)
Mamamc123 Wed 08-Mar-17 19:03:49

My DP and I are planning to live together later in the year and currently saving for 4 bedroom house.
I have DD and DS, he has 2 DDs.
Bedroom set up will be our room, DS in the smallest room, his 2 DD (8 and 12) in the second biggest room and my DD 7 in her own room.
Eldest SD has kicked off saying she wants her own room and SD 8 and DD 7 should share so she can have her own room.
Now there's several reasons why I'm putting my foot down about this...
Firstly SDs have their own rooms and private space and belongings at their mum's house. This bedroom will be my daughter's one and only bedroom (no contact with father) and I think she's entitled to her own room and things that are solely hers just as SDs are at their mum's.
Secondly SDs already share a room at DPs house - only 2 bedrooms and there's never been an issue with it in the 6 years they've lived there.
Thirdly they'll be getting a bigger room and more space anyway so they'll still have a lovely bedroom that it all theirs when they're with us (2 nights a week).
Fourthly my SD 8 wants to share with her sister as that's all she's ever known and what she's comfortable with.
But SD 12 is really kicking off about it, saying if she doesn't have her own room she's not moving.... now at first I was very sensitive to the fact that she's growing up and bodily changes etc but now she's saying she won't move from the house they're in (where she shares) if she can't have her own room?
And threatening never to come over which is obviously upsetting DP.
He is totally on my side - as are other 3 kids with the room set up.
What do I do about this?

paxillin Wed 08-Mar-17 19:06:58

Are all the children going to live with you? If so, I'd say she is right and should get a room alone with the younger two sharing. If they are there only every other weekend, then yes, put the two DSDs together.

paxillin Wed 08-Mar-17 19:07:41

Oh, sorry. Just saw two nights a week. Yes, they share I'd say.

TheOnlyColditz Wed 08-Mar-17 19:10:38

I would treat this as 12 year old hystrionics.

redcaryellowcar Wed 08-Mar-17 19:15:18

I was a step daughter and shared with my sister when staying at my dads every weekend we shared the tiniest room which just about squeeze bunk beds in it and enough room to walk to the window, no space for clothes etc. And even I don't think you are being unreasonable, think it would be worth looking at again if they were living with you full time, but in your current arrangement I think your bedroom suggestions sound fine.

gingina Wed 08-Mar-17 22:59:57

Tell her no
Simple as that.
If you and your dh agree and stick together then it will be easy.
If you give in to her demands at this stage she will think she can rule the roost.
My dss and dsd have to share a room at our house and they have to put up with it

swingofthings Thu 09-Mar-17 06:08:19

I think you both have a point that makes sense in its own way.

As you've said, she's going through a stage where independence is everything. She's started 2ndary school and her younger sister is probably getting on her nerves. She probably feels even more of an urge for her own space during the week-end. From her perspective, having the two closest in age to share makes sense.

However, your rationale is also perfectly valid assuming your DD has voiced that she would very much rather not share a room. In the end, it is your and OH's decision and that's all there is to it. They will be getting the biggest room, so the 'it's not fair' doesn't apply.

Your OH should definitely not be swayed by her threats, which as a 'about to enter teens' is probably something she's probably throwing without fully meaning. However, there are things you can do to make it better for her, maybe giving her more of a say in the set-up of the room, and most importantly, telling her that maybe you can discuss rules that will help her, ie. a small flex light that she can use so she can still read after her sister has gone to sleep for instance.

WateryTart Thu 09-Mar-17 06:12:14

She's 12 years old. She doesn't get to dictate how things are. Tell her to like it or lump it.

SookiesSocks Thu 09-Mar-17 06:14:53

They share. Its 2 nights a week.

sadandanxious Thu 09-Mar-17 11:31:22

Ahh see I don't see why people always bring up what happens at the DSC's other parents house. That's irrelevant tbh. It's not the DSC's fault their parents are split up and you need to make sure you do what's right for all in your house without worrying about what happens in their other house.

I understand she's kicking off and needs to learn that kicking off doesn't automatically get her what she wants. And if you and your DP are in agreement she shares then that's the end of it really but please don't use the setup at their mother's house as a reason, that shouldn't even come in to it.

xStefx Thu 09-Mar-17 11:37:18

It isn't irrelevant that the girls have their own room and space at their mothers house. Of course the SDD shouldn't have 2 rooms for herself and your DD not have 1 at all, she is just having a moan and at that age theres more to come.

Just tell her no and your reasons, if you pander to her now god help you all.

Your not being mean, I have a step mum and she always tried her best but I still remember being awkward on purpose sometimes im afraid

sadandanxious Thu 09-Mar-17 11:46:25

I'm sure she would rather not have two rooms in two houses. I'm sure she'd rather have one room in one house with both parents together! Let's be fair, for the most part DD will have her room to herself.

VictoriaMcdade Thu 09-Mar-17 11:50:37

She need to just put up with it.

I know that it's hard that she will see her step sister getting a room to herself, but really, loads of kids share a room.

SteppingOnToes Thu 09-Mar-17 11:50:49

One way of looking at it will be that your DD will only be sharing for 2 days a fortnight... Why not let the 12 year old have the smallest room? Bedrooms are normally divided on age - what you are doing will make her feel like a second class citizen. Don't let her have the largest room, why not compromise and let her have the smallest room?

sadandanxious Thu 09-Mar-17 11:59:55

Exactly what stepping says! What kind of message are you sending out? To me it looks like you're saying your DD is the priority despite being the youngest girl and that's a horrible thing to put forward to your 12 year old!

Chickennegg Thu 09-Mar-17 12:08:22

Because SD8 doesn't want to share with my DD and neither does my DD. There's currently a lot of issues regarding toys and possessiveness etc and I think them having separate rooms will ease this situation.
And yes I am putting my DDs needs above SD 12 in this particular situation. She has her own private space and things all to herself 5 days a week, as does her sister, they only share 2 nights a week.
My daughter has only one bedroom and I do not think it is fair to expect her to have to compromise on her one and only private space.
SDs both get their own things, TVs toys, able to choose whatever they want in their own rooms and mum's without any say from anyone else.
I'm only giving my DD that same respect.
As I've said literally everyone is happy with this arrangement other than SD 12.

Somerville Thu 09-Mar-17 12:10:42

Have you just namechanged OP?

SteppingOnToes Thu 09-Mar-17 12:15:26

Chicken egg - you said they shared in their DM house so she doesn't have her own space does she?

Somerville Thu 09-Mar-17 12:16:15

The 12 year old will increasingly need quiet space to do her homework - hard with 3 younger ones around. And they will have very different bed times and light out times. For those practical reasons I would give the 12 YO the smallest bedroom on her own, your son the second to smallest (as he's there more so probably needs the space more) and the girls who are the same age can share the largest bedroom (though in reality this is mostly for your daughter's sole use.)

Other option would be putting a partition wall to split the master bedroom, and then you two taking the previous second largest bedroom.

Somerville Thu 09-Mar-17 12:18:17

And yes, right from your OP you are inconsistent about whether the girls have their own rooms at their mothers or are already used to sharing a room!

Chickennegg Thu 09-Mar-17 12:20:30

They share at room at Dad's house 2 nights a week currently.
Separate rooms at Mum's

Chickennegg Thu 09-Mar-17 12:22:24

Bed time isn't an issue, SD12 hangs out downstairs anyway until bed. She's not the kind of kid to sit up in her room on her own.

5moreminutes Thu 09-Mar-17 12:25:59

Could you perhaps tell her that you understand that she is growing up and needs a bit more privacy, and talk to her about getting a room divider for the bigger room you are planning to have for her and her sister in the new house?

You stand your ground but acknowledge and make a nod to her "concerns". She's plenty old enough to understand the logic that each child has their own room in the house they spend the most nights in your way, but her way she would have two rooms of her own and DSD2 and your DD would have only shared rooms anywhere.

Chickennegg Thu 09-Mar-17 12:27:02

And I'm not inconsistent about current living arrangements, I think you may have misread

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 09-Mar-17 12:27:48

No stepping and somer she's not inconsistent, you've misread. OP I think you're doing the right thing, ridiculous to have a whole bedroom empty five days a week and she have two whole rooms and your dd not even one.

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