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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Dealing with different parenting views

12 replies

inchoccyheaven · 07/03/2017 15:42

I'm sure this is relevant in biological families as well as just generally in life, but as we are going to be blending families I thought I would post here for advice.

My dp and I have been together 3 years and will be buying a house together asap and getting married next year. We both have 2 children each. All mid teens. I currently rent and dp has a house to sell so we don't live together yet .

We get on really well and can't wait to be together all the time, but I sometimes find it really hard to accept that we are so different in our views of whats important when it comes to our lives.
Dp is very laid about everything. Rarely gets bothered by stuff whereas I can be quite uptight and let little things get to me way after they should.

For example, dp dd refuses to wear her proper school shoes and dp doesn't make her and recently gave her a note to excuse for her wearing wrong shoes as the ones she wants to wear were getting her feet wet in the rain. I would have told her tough she has proper shoes but dp doesnt see it as a big deal. She also writes her notes to get out of pe just because she doesn't want to do it, whereas i just think that's part of school suck it up.

I know they are just stupid things to get het up about but it bugs the crap out if me.
How do i teach nyself not to let it as dp won't change her view either.

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Allthebestnamesareused · 07/03/2017 15:47

You probably need to have a chat! It will need to be the same rules for all the children (blended) because that is when the worse problems happen.

Are your DP's kids permanently resident with her and yours with you?

In our household because DSS was only here eow DP wasn't keen to "discipline" or set rules for his son because he treated him as a visitor. Hence DSS would leave the table before everyone had finished. Younger DS didn't really understand why he wasn't allowed to if his SB could.

We had the chat - set boundaries and rules. I would pick your battles though so think about which rules are more important to you and which you can "let go".

Personally I am on your wavelength!

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xStefx · 07/03/2017 15:48

I think you probably have the right mix here. One laid back and 1 a bit less laid back.

However its his daughter and I bet he doesn't always agree with your parenting but probably doesn't say anything.

You have picked two scenarios that relate to his daughter? Can you think of any scenarios involving your own children where you have disagreed on parenting ? It seems unfair to jut use examples about his daughter and no one else

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inchoccyheaven · 07/03/2017 17:30

Should have maybe clarified we are same sex couple ( female) just in case get confusing with all the shes and hers!
We will have 2 full timers ( 1 each) then my eldest does 4 days with me and 4 days with his dad and her ds1 visits maybe once a month.

We do have similar views on many things and generally i have no worries about us all just rubbing along fine, and i am learning to unclench over things that in the great scheme of things don't matter but sometimes i just struggle. Dp is so unbothered by anything.

I think its partly because i see it as not teaching her dd that sometimes you just have to suck it and do things you think are stupid or don't want to and if she doesnt make her do these things what attitude will she have when older? Or really i think its because Dp is so soft on her and I think she shouldn't be.
Don't get me wrong i get on well with dd and these arent every day things which is why I want to know how I can stop getting uptight about it.

We have talked about it but neither is willing to change our view so have to deal with it. We talk about everything good or bad.
Dp has on occasion said when she thinks i do something she wouldnt but generally my dc are easy and i think because Dp is so laid back she doesn't see issues anyway.

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xStefx · 07/03/2017 20:37

Don't stress about it too much. Me and dp clash over parenting our own child , he is relaxed and I am less so. It's just natural in a family I think. You sound like you have a nice blended family other than this issue op :-)

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inchoccyheaven · 07/03/2017 21:37

XStefx we do have a great relationship and we have taken it very slow with the kids because of the circs of us getting together. We do stuff with the 2 full timers together or as a couple and 1 of them and it works well.

It is just me that needs to relax and try not to let stuff bother me as it does make me miserable knowing we arent as happy at that moment as we usually are. I think when its both your child you are more confident to speak up, but i don't want to cause friction when its not my child but i also cant keep my mouth shut if i disagree!

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Evergreen777 · 08/03/2017 08:41

My experience of blending families with teens is that you do, generally, need consistent rules. You can ask DP to tighten up on the things that bother you most, but overall I think you'll probably need to do the most compromising - just because teens don't tend to complain if their parents relaxes rules a bit, but can get very resentful if their new stepparent is seen as having introduced new rules they don't like. I was in most ways the less slack parent, like you. Before we moved in DP and I sat down with a list I made of areas where I knew we differed and tried to agree on rules. We then each tried to implement changes in advance of moving in together as much as possible. But I have had to accept things like a lot more screen time than I would have preferred them to have

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inchoccyheaven · 08/03/2017 12:36

Evergreen i agree with you about changing rules before moving in together so that its not seen as a negative aspect of us living together.
I don't really have many rules as don't really need them as dc are pretty good and when i ask them to do things in house they will. However dp and dd are the ones that will feel life will change the most as things like plates and cups and rubbish coming out of rooms just doesnt happen until there's nothing left to use or room is a pit. Dp agrees that with more of us in the house that will need to use things then they will need to change this and I have accepted that dd room will be a mess and as long as not harbouring all crockery and cutlery i have to ignore it.

It makes me sound as if i am dictating everything but Dp will admit stuff like that doesn't bother her but she is happy to have the rules. I have said I don't expect them to do loads as I am happy to keep the house the way i like it but I'm not a slave !

Dp is an amazing support to me and has encouraged and inspired me to be more confident in life and we will work it all out. I just know that I am the one that lets things get to me when they don't need to.

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thethoughtfox · 08/03/2017 12:39

Honest advice? Don't move in together. This will destroy you all.

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thethoughtfox · 08/03/2017 12:40

That was a bit OTT. If you can compromise on most things, there is hope!

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inchoccyheaven · 08/03/2017 13:50

Thoughtfox how will it destroy us ?

We all rub along generally ok and have been on holidays etc without problems. The kids all keep themselves to themselves so they will just be in their own rooms in a different house mainly. Dp and I are much happier when together and hate being apart.
I know that it is mainly me that has to learn to relax. I don't think there is anything unusual in our situation where couples disagree and have to resolve it.

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Evergreen777 · 08/03/2017 16:32

don't really have many rules as don't really need them as dc are pretty good and when i ask them to do things in house they will

But the thing is you do have rules! You just don't recognise them such or call them rules because you're the only adult in charge so it's always up to you and what you say goes. Eg if you expect your DC to be smartly dressed for school, refuse to write notes to get them out of PE, or expect them to lay the table when asked, etc those are effectively your "rules". They're just not ones you need to write down because your DC have grown up with them, plus you're the only adult in charge so only have to be consistent with yourself. But you need to understand what your unwritten rules are in order to talk them through with your DP, and understand which of them she's OK about adopting, and where you may need to compromise instead.

I never pinned house rules to the fridge door when I was a single parent, as I didn't need to. But trying to create joint house rules for kids that haven't grown up together and are used to different expectations needs a bit more working through.

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inchoccyheaven · 08/03/2017 20:37

I can see what you mean Evergreen, I hadn't thought of them as rules just the way we do things which also stemmed from when I was with my ex. Dp and I do talk alot about when we live together so Im sure we will overcome any difficulties, its just my personality means i worry about it way more than she ever does.
I'm glad we have waited this long for everyone to have adjusted ( mostly) to us being a couple and I'm not deluded to think we will be the waltons as our kids are all quite solitary and I'm sure won't see us as a proper family but we do have games nights together which is nice.