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Hiding in bedroom away from skid

(88 Posts)
NotJuliaRoberts Tue 07-Mar-17 12:11:11

Does anyone else do this? blush

We have 6yr old SD for two thirds of the time up from 50% (recent court order, hopefully temporary). I find her loud, overbearing, and the recent increase in tantrums is unbearable. She will follow me around the house and even into the bathroom and sit and watch me pee.

DP is a Disney Dad with the typical guilt and permissive parenting. He also seems to have a bizarre love affair with his SD and often says he'd be happy if life was just him and her.

I have recently began hiding in the bedroom whenever SD visits. I am very quiet and just read or watch TV. I am 19 weeks pregnant and can't deal with the relentlessness of SD. I'd much rather sit on my own, lonely as it is.

I know I can't do this forever, but for now, it's keeping me sane.

Anyone identify?

2014newme Tue 07-Mar-17 12:14:03

I find it strange you are having a baby In these circumstances where your dh would be perfectly happy without you and where you disapprove of his parenting style. I think there are troubles ahead.
Yanbu to have some time to yourself whether that's watching TV or going out with your friends or whatever.

MyOtherNameIsTaken Tue 07-Mar-17 12:15:53

Dislike your referring to her as "skid" tbh

NotJuliaRoberts Tue 07-Mar-17 12:16:54

Yes, it IS strange, but when I conceived, SD's behaviour was no where near as bad as it is now. I have looked into abortion, booked one at 8 weeks, but bottled it.

NotJuliaRoberts Tue 07-Mar-17 12:17:32

skid = step kid.

I thought that was mainstream term?

Annesmyth123 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:19:03

I wouldn't have a baby with a man who didn't want me.

Skid is horrible. I'm sorry it makes me think of skiddy pants.

ZilphasHatpin Tue 07-Mar-17 12:19:43

Skid is horrible.

often says he'd be happy if life was just him and her.

So leave him to it. You don't have stay with him just because you're pregnant.

ijustwannadance Tue 07-Mar-17 12:20:28

Your username made me smile.

I suspect the tantrums will likely get worse once baby arrives and she has competition for attention. Your DP needs to step up and parent the child instead of always being good cop due to guilt.

Stop allowing her in the loo with you! Tell her to get out and lock the bloody door.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:21:34

Please reclaim your home!! Ask dh how he sees things being when there is 4 of you. Does dsd know about the baby? Ask dh how he is going to share himself equally between the 2 dc?

Bluebell9 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:22:43

Have you spoken to your DP about how you are feeling? If this situation is going to work, you will need to speak to him about changes you can all make.

Bluebell9 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:24:21

The the terms used on MN is SC - Step children smile

Allthebestnamesareused Tue 07-Mar-17 12:24:26

To be fair most little kids do follow their mums around even into the loo. As you seem to be her main carer (2/3 time with Dad only being a Disney Dad) then she actually is treating you like she'd treat a mum.

As you haven't had kids yet (I assume) then you just haven't realised this.

Also I am assuming there is a good reason that the time with you both is now 2/3 up from 1/2. Maybe she feels a little lost and abandoned and maybe now also feels a little threatened that there is about to be a younger half sibling.

Perhaps take some time to discover what she is interested in and try to channel those interests so she has things to do that interest her and hopefully she'll settle and throw less tantrums.

I understand the need for peace and quiet sometimes but she came as part of the package with DP albeit this has now increased in scale. When you need this time let Disney Dad know its time to step up his game!

NotJuliaRoberts Tue 07-Mar-17 12:25:17

So leave him to it. You don't have stay with him just because you're pregnant.

I couldn't be a single parent, so my only choice is stay - or leave and abort.

Believe me, I'm grappling with it.

TwitterQueen1 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:26:55

This relationship is going nowhere except downhill very fast. You are hiding from a six year old who you actively dislike. Are you going to hide for the next 12 years until she's 18?

Your H says he'd be happier on his own.

Leave. Each of you will be happier if this relationship ends.

NotJuliaRoberts Tue 07-Mar-17 12:27:34

As you seem to be her main carer

No, don't get me wrong, DP does all her care. I'm just an adult that happens to be in the house.

Maybe she feels a little lost and abandoned and maybe now also feels a little threatened that there is about to be a younger half sibling.

Maybe. So hence why time alone with her dad without me impeding is a good thing, yes?

Annesmyth123 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:29:40

But you're 19weeks?

Better to be single parent than with a man that doesn't want you.

StewieGMum Tue 07-Mar-17 12:32:44

She will know that you don't like her and will be following you about to fix that. It is how 6 year olds behave. Living with an adult who can't stand you will be hugely detrimental to her mental health. It is cruel to allow a child to grow up feeling like shit because a parent doesn't like them. Being a single parent is not the end of the world. Being raised in a house with an adult who can't stand the sight of you is a huge deal with severe long term effects on emotional and psychological health.

PotteringAlong Tue 07-Mar-17 12:33:09

She isn't visiting! If she's with you 2/3 of the time she lives with you. It's her home.

JassyRadlett Tue 07-Mar-17 12:33:34

OP, it's worth remembering that you are talking about a small child who has obviously had some emotional upheaval and big changes in routine/contact recently.

She's six. Six year olds are often loud, they have limited filter, they're still learning to deal with their emotions. If they feel insecure they can often become clingy and demanding.

'Overbearing' is an oddly adult term to use to describe a small child.

You and your DH need to be on the same page in terms of parenting, but I think you should try to remember that you're dealing with a small child, so you need to be the grown up and be willing to go outside your comfort zone if you are going to be in her life.

NotJuliaRoberts Tue 07-Mar-17 12:35:17

Being a single parent is not the end of the world

My mental health couldn't cope with it.

Annesmyth123 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:36:52

For how long has your DP been saying that he wishes it was just him and your SD?

AndKnowItsSeven Tue 07-Mar-17 12:38:42

Maybe you should concern yourself with your dsd's mental health.

JassyRadlett Tue 07-Mar-17 12:39:03

So hence why time alone with her dad without me impeding is a good thing, yes?

No. You're one of the main adults in her main home, and you are pregnant with a sibling that for any oldest child represents a threat to the status quo/stability at home, even in ideal circumstances. She is seeking to build a bond to increase her sense of stability and security; you are actively trying to prevent this.

If you choose to live in a house that is the main home of other children, I think there's a duty on you to treat those children decently.

I'm usually on Team Stepmum on MN, but it sounds like your stepdaughter is in a really difficult spot and you are expecting her to conform to you and your preferences.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 07-Mar-17 12:39:20

I know you're not explicitly blaming her, but what you're hiding from is the situation your DP has created and continues to allow, not the child.

There's nothing wrong with taking time for yourself. I realised early on to override my fears about not being an amazing stepmum - always on form, making an effort, being super happy fun, planning stuff - and realise that I'm a generally nicer happier person when I get time out to read, nap, chat to other people on the phone, cook something (ALONE). "I will plate your hair but we'll do it this afternoon. I'm going for a walk now. Have fun with Daddy" "The soft play centre sounds lovely and you know how much fun you both have when you 3 go together. I'll make dinner while you're out and see you later". They never feel hurt, rejected or upset, they get time with their Dad, he gets time with them, I get a break.

DH completely supports this and it works both ways. I can never understand these men who insist their DPs are there for every minute of contact time, it's primarily for them to have time with their Dad, he should be taking the lead.

Sometimes he's shattered and I do something with them for an hour while he recharges. Sometimes I leave him and them to it and take myself off for a walk.

We have them quite a lot so it's a normal family life in our house, no Disneying, usual stuff goes on like house jobs, food shopping, lazy Sundays where we all relax and no one gets entertained. Has your DP not realised that now she's with you more than she's not he's got to step up and do some proper day-to-day parenting?

With a recent alteration in arrangements your DSD has had a lot of change and is just acting out. Having time to yourself isn't rejecting her, it's giving her time with her Dad and you time to yourself. Try and separate the issues out. She's not purposely making your life harder, honestly she's not. She may be testing boundaries to see what you'll put up with, but this is different.

My DSS gave us a horrific few weeks when he was about that age. His mum was moving house and the whole thing was a mess, they got pulled out of school at short notice, there was all sorts going on her end. And he acted out when he was with us, because it was a safe space.

I remember one afternoon when he screamed and hit and through stuff for 5 hours. I took DSD out for a walk and to see some friends to get us away from the shouting and DH did a combination of holding him, talking to him, listening, taking away anything breakable, getting hit, leaving him alone for periods, just being there while the poor thing raged. He couldn't have explained what he was so angry and upset about, he was 6, but he knew that DH still loved him no matter how awful the storm was and after the really big outpouring it never happened again.

My point is, that she may be unsettled about the change in contact, as well as your pregnancy, and the combination of following you around and needing your company and closeness, and the tantrums and boundary pushing could be signs of unsettledness generally. This is for her Dad to sort out and help her with and you can try and support him.

ZilphasHatpin Tue 07-Mar-17 12:39:38

I couldn't be a single parent, so my only choice is stay - or leave and abort.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course you could. He could leave you tomorrow (or die!) and you would be a single parent. You would just have to get on with it. being a single parent is a choice. It's just one you don't want to make. Which is fine. But it is a choice.

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