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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Is this an empty threat for attention or a genuine cry for help

27 replies

36plusandtrying · 02/03/2017 08:07

Hi,

I have posted earlier about a concern that DH ex has been asking us for money (again). The situation has worsened, she is now declaring that she will be homeless in a matter of weeks unless we can give her $4k to move into a new rental property. She is suggesting that my husband takes out a payday loan (without telling me) if we don't have the money at hand to help. Failing this she will take their son and move into temp accommodation (caravan park) if we don't help. She has a sister, parents and a large circle of friends through church around her. These episodes seem common when things for us seem to be going well or we have an upcoming event. (Both true for us right now) I don't really know what to think - obviously we will offer to have SS full time while she sorts things out - but I doubt she will agree to this. How do we know this is a genuine emergency or a huge cry for attention ?

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228agreenend · 02/03/2017 08:17

Why can't she stay where she is? Why does she need such a large sum of money? has she asked others for money and they have said no?

Maybe if you want to help, don't give her the money directly, but offer to pay the landlord directly (on a temporary basis).

Can you offer to look after the Dc whilst she sorts her finances out? Can she stay with her parents or family?

QuiteLikely5 · 02/03/2017 08:19

Cry for attention? That's not your concern here.

The woman will be housed by the LA she will not hand her son to you because he is the golden ticket to accomodation.

Don't pay just offer to accommodate your SS.

She's trying to make her problem yours and it really isn't.

Bail her out now and she'll be looking your way for the rest of his childhood to bail her out.

That's what friends and family are for

WatchingFromTheWings · 02/03/2017 08:28

Hell no. Offer to put up your SS while she sorts herself out but don't go giving her money!

Fishcakey · 02/03/2017 08:30

What they all said. Offer to give Step-Son a roof over his head but don't give her any money.

FriendofBill · 02/03/2017 08:38

It could well be £4K to move.
£2k would be a fair ask, as the other parent she meets half.

On the other hand, what is wrong with a caravan park?

I think it's disgusting calling the son a golden ticket to accommodation. Do you have children?
Do you speak about your children in that way?

gamerchick · 02/03/2017 08:42

What does your husband say about it all?

It's pretty obvious that if he bends to her will this will never stop. He has a duty to his bairn, concentrate on that but don't get into debt to satisfy her.

The second someone uses the blackmail card always cut them dead. Tell her in no uncertain terms she's not getting another extra penny then find out your legal rights about making things stable for that bairn.

bloodyteenagers · 02/03/2017 08:43

Why doesn't she get her own loan?

My suggestion to her would be
Get your own loan
If you are getting evicted talk to the council
Don't worry we will have ss whilst you sort yourself out.

36plusandtrying · 02/03/2017 10:34

Husband has said he won't pay, but will offer a home for SS. The reason she can't/won't get a loan is she has just started a business - has little proof of income and she won't risk the business (her words - not mine) and is not prepared to take money out of the business. She needs to move as she just split up with her boyfriend and also the owner of the rental is selling up ! Such a mess

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 02/03/2017 10:36

Sounds like blackmail. Offer to look after the children while she sort it out so your DH can't be accused of neglecting his children. Call her bluff but very concerned and supportive but not financially.

thethoughtfox · 02/03/2017 10:37

*be very supportive but not financially

FriendofBill · 02/03/2017 17:22

Thing is, EXW has to find a two bedroomed place, near school, work around childcare, and be there as resident parent.

Why not be supportive financially?
It's not really a solution to say 'ok, we'll take your child, they can live with us' is it??
Bonkers.

Why shouldn't she turn to her sons father for help before anyone else?
Why is it up to the system? Because he has moved on?
To those saying, that's what family are for, family doesn't get much closer than a parent.

I don't get these responses at all.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 02/03/2017 17:24

Likely ss will love a caravan park anyway!! She is a chancer. .
No way provide cash!!

swingofthings · 02/03/2017 17:27

So it sounds like the main issue is finding money for the deposit and first month rent. The deposit might be higher if she is self-employed. Has she actually found somewhere to live.

Loaning money is mad though. If you agree to this, where does it end? If she does have the money in the business, then she does have money and therefore has no valid reasons to expect your OH to take out a loan for her!

Matilda2013 · 02/03/2017 17:28

Most people seem to miss that the dad also has to have a house with a room for his son as well. And he is willing to help his son. It is up to his ex wife to look after her own welfare surely.

I think offering to have your step son while she gets something sorted is your best bet.

Littleballerina · 02/03/2017 17:39

I can not imagine my xh to do this. She's very cheeky to ask.

FriendofBill · 02/03/2017 18:55

No one on this thread has missed that matilda in fact, everyone is on the side of the EXH.

He may well have to get a second bedroom but it does not have the same urgency and importance as the resident parent.

Too many fathers just fuck off leaving the EXW to deal with whatever while they feather their new nests, expecting the creaking system to pick up the pieces.

Matilda2013 · 02/03/2017 19:35

No it's not that he has to go get one. He probably already has a room and most people can't afford to be handing out £4k. So the most sensible solution is to offer to keep him till it's sorted

bloodyteenagers · 02/03/2017 19:36

I'm not expecting the system to pick up the pieces.
If she wants a loan then she needs to do this. Why should he get himself into 4K of debt when she could take the money out of her business?

36plusandtrying · 03/03/2017 07:59

We have plenty of space - SS has his own room here as we have just finished building our own home. We don't expect the system to pick up anything - just to want her to learn to stand on her own. DH never shirks his responsibility either financially or physically and wants to have more access but she won't allow it.

OP posts:

FriendofBill · 03/03/2017 08:21

Are you sock puppeting 36/teenagers.

Up thread you are two different people, down thread the same person?

36plusandtrying · 03/03/2017 08:54

No think teenagers was just replying to another poster ! I'm just me

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PutThatPomBearBack · 03/03/2017 09:57

Friend perhaps rtft before making accusations?

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bloodyteenagers · 03/03/2017 10:58

Erm I am me. If you think otherwise report away.
I was replying to another poster who said basically too many fathers expect the system to pick up the pieces.

FriendofBill · 03/03/2017 13:51

I have rtft, and asked 'are you?' A accusation would be 'you are'
hth

36plusandtrying · 03/03/2017 13:52

I'm so confused ....

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