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Dh besotted with his dd

(31 Posts)
TartYvette Wed 01-Mar-17 19:55:59

I have been with dh for 24 years. His dd is 27. His relationship with dd's mum has been awful from (according to him ) before dsd was even born and they split up when she was a few months old. Dsd's mum hated dh always and no matter what he did, it was wrong. When I met him I was excited to meet (now) dsd and she was a sweet little girl, really easy and like her father. As the years went by her mother caused hideous upset with dh, dsd and dh's parents. They were wrong, wrong, wrong no matter the situation or the efforts they made to rectify it. They (DH's family) accepted it all with bowed heads: we're sorry, we'll try harder sort of attitude. Dh paid always for dsd but it was never enough (despite being over the ordered amount whenever possible). It made for a difficult time but dsd was sweet and so, so good up until her teens. Then she adopted her mothers attitude towards me. I was to blame for all of the troubles in their lives, I was the reason he didn't see her enough, didn't pay her enough, etc. Dh is kind and soft and often he too would blame me because I was there really and well, he's a bit after the easy option like that. It got to the point that life was just easier when dsd's mum was incommunicado (for whatever perceived slight we had caused). As dsd got into her late teens she began to treat dh with the same disgust and disdain her mother does. That hasn't really changed but occasionally she throws him the odd scrap of civil treatment and you'd swear he won the lottery when she does. As recently as last summer she was beyond vile to him and he, who wants so badly to love her and be loved by her, said to me (and he tells me very little wrt her because I cannot help from showing my feelings in my facial expression) she spoke to me like I was something smelly she'd stepped in. He was shocked and so hurt. He still always texts her, how are you, how's life, do you need anything, etc regardless of how scathing she is towards him and most of the time she ignores him but occasionally she answers with minimal details (ie he doesn't know where she works, what she studied despite paying fees, where she lives, etc). Now however is one of those times she is interested. She wants to come and visit (or he wants her to and she has not said no) and he is overjoyed. I mean he is like a love sick puppy over this. For the past ten years anytime she has come to stay she has stayed with his parents but they have moved into a retirement village 2 hours away from here and he thinks she will stay with us. The thing is she blanks me completely as though I am not there and she has minimal interest in our children, they are equally not interested in her as they have seen her behaviour over the years and well she's not interested in them, and their dad had zero interest in them (or anything else) when she's around. Because she would stay with his parents he would disappear for the length of her visit to their house (she refused to come to ours because I was there) and come back all starry eyed about her when she left. So, my parents have a small flat near us they use whenever they visit and I want to offer it to her for her visit rather than have her stay with us where she and I be forced to meet in the kitchen for the first conversation in ten years, so she'd be self catering for her stay. Dh imagines happy families where we would all be thrilled to sit and gaze at her in wonder around the table and have her have dd's bedroom. Teenage dc are not impressed by this idea. I want to do the right thing, what do you think that is? I am afraid I cant see the woods for the trees at this stage and get so irritated by dh's besottedness that I cannot see what I should do.

TartYvette Wed 01-Mar-17 19:56:48

Sorry, that is so long and no paragraphs blush I didn't realise it was so much.

SugarMiceInTheRain Wed 01-Mar-17 20:01:39

I couldn't have stuck it out in this situation as long as you have. No way should your DD be turfed out of her room for your DSD. Not a chance. She's an adult, quite frankly she should be able to pay for a hotel room if she doesn't want to stay with you. It'd be very generous of you to offer your parents' flat if they're ok with that, on the proviso that she looks after it and leaves it immaculate after her visit. It definitely sounds like you have a DH problem though - sounds like he has enabled this behaviour for so long that it will never change now. But you do not need to feel in any way obligated to put up with such poor treatment from her.

NoArmaniNoPunani Wed 01-Mar-17 20:01:47

I would give her one last chance. She's 27, old enough to not act like a dick anymore. Have her in your home. If she's still awful never do it again.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 01-Mar-17 20:22:03

I wouldn't have anyone to stay in my home who wouldn't speak to me with civility. Not a chance.

If your DH is your DC's father, and even if he's not, he's bat shit for suggesting they're kicked out of their room so a rude abusive 27 year old woman can have it. I can't believe that's a possible consideration.

History shows she has no respect for you so you'd also be very unwise to give your parent's house to stay in. There's no way it's going to end well.

She wants to visit she can pay for a hotel.

Whatever's gone down in the past, she's an adult now, not a child. Her visit doesn't come above yours and your children's right to a pleasant home environment.

You refer to your DH as kind but you also sound like your expectations of his behaviour are scraping your barrel. How can he expect you to be nice to someone who he's happily thrown under the bus for 20+ years to make himself feel and look better?

Step relationships can be complicated. No one denies that. But they don't stand a chance when the person in your DHs position behaves towards his partner the way you say he has done to you. Of course she doesn't like or respect you. Your DH has continued his exes negativity towards you.

Honestly, at this point in the game, who cares if you look like the bad guy. Other people have confirmed your role as the one to blame for any and all of her woes and it doesn't sound like you, or your relationship with her stood a chance.

All you can do is protect yourself and your DC and to keep looking the other way when your DH is anything but kind to you. I couldn't do it and I feel very very sad for you that this is the situation you're in and it'll never change.

Let him play the doting father to his grabby, rude, entitled daughter. You don't need any part of it.

TartYvette Wed 01-Mar-17 21:21:14

Step relationships can be complicated isn't that the truth!!! Thanks Anne, he cannot understand why "but she's my daughter" doesn't still trump all else like it did when she was a child. Unfortunately it trumps his relationships with our children too. It's good to hearrange others take on this complex situation.

RJnomore1 Wed 01-Mar-17 21:25:13

Ok I r never been in your situation but I'd offer the flat to her to stay in but still have her round for meals.

She might appreciate the space too.

Underthemoonlight Thu 02-Mar-17 14:07:11

I'm wondering if there's a reason for her behaviour towards you maybe she felt pushed out when you had more DC? I would leave your dh and her to it and remove yourselves from the situation if it's not all the time.

Toomuchocolate Thu 02-Mar-17 14:11:42

No worries she's an adult can you not try and discuss with her what her problem is? Don't do it confrontationally, and try and take time to understand her concerns. She might actually then realise that you haven't actually done anything wrong and it hasn't been her mother who has tainted her view of you. It's really now or never since she's almost 30!

ijustwannadance Thu 02-Mar-17 14:16:10

I'd be wondering what she was after tbh.

Future wedding to pay for? House deposit? Baby?

If you offer the flat will your DH see it as you not wanting her in your home or as a great idea?

Veterinari Thu 02-Mar-17 14:22:56

You need a frank conversation with your DH. He's risking his relationship with you and your children to appease a 27 year old woman who treats him like shit.

I suspect you'd all find that if he put some healthy boundaries in place her behaviour would change. Why does she act so badly? Because you all enable her.

CMamaof4 Thu 02-Mar-17 14:38:02

I dont know how you have stayed so long with your dh, I agree she has been enabled to treat you like rubbish.
I think your husband should offer her somewhere else to stay, If she has no interest in you and cant be nice to you, you dont need to let her stay in your parents flat, Let your husband sort it out where she stays, After all why would she want any help from you if you are so 'awful'

Aderyn2016 Thu 02-Mar-17 14:43:18

You make too many excuses for your husband. He has allowed her to treat him and you like shit for years. Time has come to say no. You don't turf your kids out of their room to accommodate her and first sign of any rudeness, she leaves. Frankly I wouldn't have her in my house.
Your h needs reminding that she is not his only child. I would have no respect for a man who allowed this.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 02-Mar-17 14:43:54

Hmmmm, good point ijustwannadance. Seem likely OP?

Have you and DH talked about how the relationship between you and his DD was damaged by him painting you as the bad guy?

He may be besotted with her but what's far more worrying if his disdain for you in order to be able to do that. It's horrible.

Are you worried about what he'll say or do if you say she's not welcome in your home and can't stay at your parents' place therefore will have to sort something out for herself?

The dynamic has been off and unhealthy for many many years but it's not too late to do something about it and start putting yourself and your own children first.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 02-Mar-17 14:47:05

and often he too would blame me because I was there. Apart from all the issues with your SD, this sentence is an absolute shocker. flowers

QuiteLikely5 Thu 02-Mar-17 14:47:06

She treat you that way because she could. Quite frankly I would have nothing else to do with her - the fairytale ending doesn't exist.

Your DH sick puppy attitude would drive me insane.

I would not ban her from visiting her own father in his home though - I would simply go out and leave them too it.

I wouldn't have her to stay, I would tell her there is no room and offer her the flat.

I think she needs money. Over my dead body would she get it

Bluntness100 Thu 02-Mar-17 14:54:11

It sounds like she has had a difficult up bringing and uou don't know what the mother was being telling her from a very young age, it's hard to think clearly for yourself after having years of something ingrained. Personally, as this is his daughter I'd give it one last chance, don't prove the mother right. Welcome her and do your best, tell your children to do the same, and if it goes wrong, then let it be due to her and then you can say you've done your bit.

It can't be easy for her either to come to stay. So give it your one last best shot, for your husbands sake. I'm sure if it was your daughter you'd want him to do the same.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 02-Mar-17 15:34:00

The difference is that if it were the OP's daughter she either wouldn't have made her DH look bad for years, enabling and encouraging the toxic feeling, or if she had, she wouldn't expect her DH to welcome the DD and in so doing kick other DC out of their rooms for someone who won't even speak to them.

I'm sure she did have a difficult childhood but she's a grown woman now and it's as much up to her to try and improve the relationships as it is the OPs. She doesn't seem keen so it's unreasonable to expect the OP to attempt it alone.

The OP's responsibility is to keeping her own DC's home a place of peace and harmony where possible. Which is at odds with having a house guest who is actively unpleasant to them.

OP, this is all based on her not yet having said no to the visit. If your DH doesn't roll out the red carpet, or has to do it alone, she may not even come. Worth being prepared if she does, but it doesn't seem that likely.

jojo2916 Fri 03-Mar-17 09:32:25

You deserve a medal for staying with your dh all this time I'd have been long gone

gingina Fri 03-Mar-17 10:37:09

She sounds vile OP.
She's a grown woman now so you have every right not to have her in your house if she can't be civil. Your DH needs to spell out to her that if she can't be pleasant to you and your dc she isn't welcome but that isn't likely to happen by the sound of it.
I'd be wary of letting her use the flat - will she treat it well or will she treat it with the same level of disrespect as she does you?
I would see this as your DH's problem, you could let her stay but tell him how you feel and that if she is rude you will ask her to leave and if he doesn't back you up he can follow her rude arse out the door!!

Newmother8668 Fri 03-Mar-17 15:51:41

No way would that happen. In fact, my own DH's son is banned from our own home until he's more respectful and he's only 9!! I wouldn't have put up with any of this. Even my DH knows I would leave with our LO if he went this far!! And no, just no to her staying with you or in your parents' flat. Sometimes you have to put your foot down and be the jerk to keep from being a doormat.

isadoradancing123 Fri 03-Mar-17 20:03:44

She is 27 not 7 . No way would I have her in my home

TartYvette Wed 08-Mar-17 09:32:10

I will give her the apartment and I will be civil to her but do says oh you make things so difficult. But I am not the one who treats him so badly. It feels so unfair. I am taking umbrage on his behalf because he has been so hurt by her attitude towards him (and also I do not want our children to witness their father being talked to in such a manner and nor do I have any time/respect for her because of her behaviour) yet it is me he is taking it out on. In his eyes I am the one who is making his life difficult and complex and all he wants is "an easy, uncomplicated life!!" So I feel like I have wandered into a crazy parallel universe where I am in the wrong despite having done my best (but maybe that wasn't enough) and I should pretend to welcome this person who has such disdain for my husband (and his family) into our home. But the rational part of me says that's mad!! I wouldn't welcome anyone else who behaved this way into my home. Am I wrong?????

gingina Wed 08-Mar-17 10:46:16

No you're not wrong
But it's easier for him to make it your fault than to face the fact that his dd is not a nice person and to take at least some responsibility for the way she had grown up. flowers

TartYvette Wed 08-Mar-17 10:57:16

gin always helps improve the situation 😆 thanks!

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