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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

violent stepson advice

26 replies

telekon1980 · 28/02/2017 23:42

Hi, just need a bit of advice, even though deep down I know the answer... my partners son, who is 18 has been a nightmare past few years, he constantly swears at his mom and me, but the last 2-3 years it's getting worse, he has verbally threatened me, constantly, but last month along with the threats was remarks regarding my racial background, I am half Asian, this disgusted me, and I hated been in same house as him, but today he kicked off again and he grabbed and headbutted me.. I didn't react back I called the police, but his mom has told me if I press charges she wants me out,.. she agreed he was wrong to attack me, but she just says it's her son and she can't kick him out... He is 18, he don't work and just lies in bed till 4pm.. I am 54 and don't need this stress.. I love my partner but I feel I have to leave.. any advice please, thanks

OP posts:

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WatchingFromTheWings · 28/02/2017 23:44

How can his mother dictate whether you stay or go? What has your DP got to say about it? I'd press charges and leave, esp if no support from your partner.

telekon1980 · 28/02/2017 23:46

Hi.. It's my partners house so I have no say, what is DP? ... bit new to the forum lingo.. sorry

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AlisonBlunderland · 28/02/2017 23:46

Seriously, pressing charges might just knock some sense into him.
It's not like you and stepson have any sort of decent relationship to ruin

OneWithTheForce · 28/02/2017 23:49

Press charges and leave this relationship. At very least, leave this house! You are being abused in your own home! Do you have children with your partner?

telekon1980 · 28/02/2017 23:51

I know, but as I say, I do love my partner, and if I press charges she basically said I have to move out, but at the same time I can't see myself living here now, her son has crossed the line now, it only happens this eve so I guess I need to sleep on it and decide tomorrow..

OP posts:

WatchingFromTheWings · 28/02/2017 23:52

DP = darling partner.

He should be supporting you. If not I'd go.

Hope you're ok?

telekon1980 · 28/02/2017 23:52

No no children with her, my own sons are all grown up now...

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OneWithTheForce · 28/02/2017 23:54

if I press charges she basically said I have to move out, but at the same time I can't see myself living here now

Well exactly! You can't seriously want to live with that person? You can love your partner from another house. You don't have to live with her in order to love her. No relationship is worth being abused.

telekon1980 · 28/02/2017 23:57

Thanks wings , I told my partner I want him out the house but she says it's her son, and she can't kick him out, and if I press charges I more or less have to leave, I am upset and angry, I want total support from her but she won't go against her son

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telekon1980 · 01/03/2017 00:00

Na she made it clear if I get him arrested it's over, she keeps saying it's because her ex husband was violent to her and her kids and that's why he gets these violent outbursts

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Lilypurple · 01/03/2017 00:02

What does your partner say about his behaviour? You need to joint plan whether he leaves or you do. also , how is the ex wife dictating where you live? Your partner surely decides who lives in his home.

Lilypurple · 01/03/2017 00:03

X post. Bit clearer now.

telekon1980 · 01/03/2017 00:07

Thanks lily, I told my partner I don't want her son here anymore, but she refuses to throw him out, he went to his brothers for the night after all this but he will be back tomorrow when I get in from work.. I doubt if I will still be living here by the weekend, this time a single headbutt, what next?

OP posts:

highinthesky · 01/03/2017 00:09

Press charges and leave.

telekon1980 · 01/03/2017 00:12

Off to bed now, work tomoz. . Thank you all for the replies, just wanted to see the thoughts of others and get some advice... I kinda know what to do, just hope I got the courage to say "enough is enough!"... will keep you posted

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 01/03/2017 00:43

this time a single headbutt, what next?

A single head butt is enough reason to leave. Even if you knew 100% he would never raise his voice nevermind his hand to you again, a single incident is good enough reason to leave.

AlisonBlunderland · 01/03/2017 08:22

How long before your stepson assaults his mother too?

neonrainbow · 01/03/2017 08:25

Your partner is complicit in her sons abuse of you. No wonder he's turned out like that if she thinks there shouldn't be any sanctions for him assaulting you. She can't love you very much. Another vote here for leaving and pressing charges again this disgusting speciman.

Beansonapost · 01/03/2017 12:02

Press charges and leave...

He needs to know there are consequences for violent behaviour.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2017 20:40

What they all said!

You're in a horrible position but you only have one option.

Is there someone you can go to stay with?

What would you do if your partner assaulted you? You might love her but she tragically doesn't think you're worth more than being abused and assaulted. You're in an abusive relationship and I'm so sorry, you're worth more than that. We all are.

It's horribly frightening and lonely to leave, I've been there. Abuse comes in many forms but your partner insisting you put up with this behaviour as a condition of staying with her and living in your home is horrible and unforgivable.

Given all the above, it's not really your problem. But how would you feel if you don't see this through and press charges and he kills someone next time he can't control his temper and lashes out? If that sounds overly dramatic, put yourself back a few years and imagine how you'd have felt if you knew you would end up here being battered in your own home.

telekon80 · 01/03/2017 22:56

Thanks for the reply your words ring so true, just a quick update.. i got home from work, my partners son was still and i packed a couple of bags and got a 2 hour bus ride to my sisters.. yes it was painfull leaving my partner and my home, but as you say i am worth more than just been abused, verbally racially and physically.. i still have to go back to get more of my belongings, just hope i dont fall into the "give it one more go " catagory .. i must keep up been strong and for once putting myself first.. thank you all for the advice, it has really helped having some support..

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2017 23:05

Well done, you've absolutely made the right decision.

I hope you sister looks after you. You've had a horrible shock and the fall out will take a while to process.

You don't need to go back yourself, see if someone could collect the rest of your things. Or try and be there when your partner is out.

What did she say when you left? I hope you're going to take a break and have a few days of no contact while the dust settles.

Stay strong, put yourself, your mental, physical and emotional strength first. You know the path to welbeing and happiness is different now from the one you had planned but it is still there ahead of you.

telekon80 · 02/03/2017 09:13

Thanks, my partner, well ex partner i guess, didnt say much, i think she was in shock that i was actually leaving, she just said its not right that i should make her choose between me and her son.. i really think she thioght i would just carry on as if it didnt happen..

Newmother8668 · 02/03/2017 10:19

Sorry mate. Yes, they all do. Unfortunately, I was in a similar position. My DH's son was acting violent towards other kids, but the final straw was his son lying to BM about his treatment in our home. I put my foot down and his son will no longer stay in our home. We have a small baby and I don't trust him with our LO especially. I hope things get better for you and you were right to leave. Believe me. Give it a couple of months and you'll see how much less stressed out you are and you'll be happier anyway.

notanurse2017 · 02/03/2017 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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