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What to do for the best?

(3 Posts)
RibbonSpool Mon 27-Feb-17 13:47:26

I've been with BF three years and we're very happy together, both feel this is the best relationship either of us have been in. I have three DC ranging from 17 to 6 and he has one DC aged 8.

When we first met, BF had a well paid job and was living with family as he'd left the marital home to his ex and DC. I was living where I am now, a very small three bed rental which has its problems but is a secure tenancy so no risk of being booted out. At one point, BF's family member moved to a smaller house so he got a room in a shared house at a very reasonable rate and began having his DC 50/50. My ex began getting difficult and stopped paying child support (nearly a year since he's paid anything and cms have failed to secure any payments). Then we both lost our jobs within months of each other.

We've both managed to get new jobs but at a much lower rate of pay and BF had to give up his room in the house share. He's essentially homeless at the moment, staying at mine sometimes and friends/family the rest of the time. He still has his DC EOW but this is really difficult as he's nowhere suitable to stay with him and has to rely on other putting him up.

My house is too small and our DC do not get along. My middle DC we think has ASD but help and a diagnosis have been difficult to get (been going through the motions for years now). She doesn't cope well with BF's DS staying and they fight a lot. I think this is partially down to them having to share their space and things. We used to take them out a lot but don't have the money anymore. I want to help him, sometimes I've let him stay if my eldest is out so his DC can have that room but it's not a long term solution, particularly as the DC don't get on which is stressful for all of us.

BF's ex is nagging at him to increase maintenance although he already pays more than cms minimum and is pressuring him to go back to 50/50 despite him having nowhere to stay. I realise this is not her problem, but he's trying really hard to get a better paid job - he's signed up to every agency in two cities and has been to countless interviews but gets rejected every time. His current job is only temporary.

He really wants to have his DC at least 50/50 but preferably more. Neither of us are in the financial position to rent somewhere bigger together as I would lose the little bit of help I get and properties large enough are horrifically expensive and incredibly rare as rentals.

Has anyone got any ideas on how we move forward? We're both stressed and upset about our situation and can't see a way to improve it. How have others managed when blending your families essentially means becoming a larger than average family? Any advice?

OrangesAndApples Mon 27-Feb-17 16:26:18

Hi RibbonSpool, this sounds like a really tough situation. I have a blended family, 4 DCs and 1DSC and my eldest DC has ASD so I know it's hard.

Do you currently live in council accommodation? And even if you do, could you apply for somewhere bigger? Or could your BF get his own one bedroom or bedsit council place?

What stage are you at with getting a diagnosis for your DD? It took a while to get one for my DC, but I did find it helpful for the whole family afterwards (although you can use a lot of the strategies to deal with challenging behaviour regardless of whether you have a diagnosis or not).

swingofthings Mon 27-Feb-17 17:19:19

A tough situation indeed, but there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Ultimately, the one thing that is holding everything up is your BF finding another FT permanent position. Until then, normality has to be on hold. He can't do miracles, so his ex has to accept that. After all, if they were together, they would be struggling too.

Not sure what job he is applying too but his priority is to apply for anything that is permanent and FT, even if he has to travel a bit further away and it is not the kind of job he wants as a career. He can always keep looking for something better once he has got stability with that job.

In the meantime, I think you have to continue as you are. Your DD is your priority at the moment and if your OH and DS presence is stressing her, it is even more important to take your time before considering moving in together when you can afford somewhere bigger.

Hoping things get better for you soon.

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