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Step daughter close then distant

(8 Posts)
Louise800 Sun 26-Feb-17 17:33:15

Hi,

My teenage step daughter lives in California with her mum and visits us during some of the British school holidays. I have become very close to her when she is over, particularly in the last year to the point where I feel bereaved when she leaves as I feel like I am losing a child for a while..which I am...as when she goes back she hardly contacts myself, her dad and our child whom she is very close to as well. My step daughter cries every time she has to leave (she has been flying over since she was 7) and is very loving to me...but as soon as she goes back she ignores our messages on whats app and does not even bother to read them half the time even though we all know that teenagers are glued to their phones. I cannot understand the closeness and then the distance. Am I just being overly sensitive?

HerOtherHalf Sun 26-Feb-17 17:37:24

It could be nothing more than her being a teenager, or her mother could be something to do with it. It clearly hurts you and that is understandable but you love her and love should be unconditional.

Bythebeach Sun 26-Feb-17 17:41:34

I think it is how they survive .... They love v much in the present. My eldest is not as close to his dad and dad's family nowadays but even when he was, he had little interest in contact with them when he was at home. I would ask him if he wanted to Skype etc and the answer was nearly always no. Equally, I have minimal contact with him when he stays at his dad's (300 miles away, used to see his dad holidays and half terms for up to 2 weeks at a time) which is his choice. I think it must be hard to be reminded of a life continuing without you in a family that is supposed to be yours so I guess my son used to just get on with where he was in the here and now. Don't take it personally!

Bythebeach Sun 26-Feb-17 17:42:52

Not love... Live in the present!!

Louise800 Sun 26-Feb-17 19:13:43

Thanks. I just do so much for her that it can hurt...and it goes without saying that my love is unconditional. I would not even care or ask for help on here if I did not love her regardless!!!! I will always be there for her. It just hurts that is all when the contrast is so huge and I wondered why this may be.

FinallyHere Sun 26-Feb-17 19:19:39

So sorry you are going through this. Just adding my voice to the explanation that it's too painful to keep in touch, so she is compartmentalising her life. It probably feels like the only way to do it.

The more you resist this explanation, the more painful it will be for you. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

Louise800 Sun 26-Feb-17 19:40:13

Finallyhere..I had thought that may be the case. It is awful to watch her cry her eyes out at the airport then take a deep breath as if to say mentally 'I have to get on with this' which she does of course. I worry about how all this will affect her when she is older too...but will do all I can and be there for her always.

FinallyHere Sun 26-Feb-17 20:13:37

You sound like a very lovely stepmother. Take heart from the knowledge that she is happy and has clise ties in both homes. That can only be a good thing.

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