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DH and DS at war constantly

(6 Posts)
pishedoff Sat 25-Feb-17 23:45:30

DS is 13, I seperated from his Dad when he was a few months old and met DH when he was 2. We have another child together. DS sees his Dad EOW

DS has always been a little difficult behaviour wise, he's just very head strong and has to win battles etc. It's hard work when he's in that frame of mind but I desperately try and switch off.

I always thought DS and DH had a close relationship but over the last few years it's become really fraught, DS is convinced DH hates him and vice Versa. I'm stuck in the middle of them both all the time. I try and pick my battles with DS as they can take over your life if not but DH doesn't seem to have the patience so battles everything.

I do notice a difference between the way DH is with DS1 and DS2, I assume that's just natural as DS2 is his son, but I feel sad about that, and I wonder if DS1 picks up on it too. I think the behaviour doesn't help as we struggle with DS1 whereas DS2's behaviour isn't as draining!

I'm just so exhausted with it all, will it ever get better?

Underthemoonlight Sun 26-Feb-17 08:45:33

I'm in a similar situation in regards to my dh coming into DS life at the age of 2. He's now 8 although he is respectful of dh he has got an attitude with me. It sounds like a miss communication here, me and DS seem to butt heads at times but TBH I think that's because we are so similar that we clash.

Could your ds1 be feeling abit resentful to his brother and his relationship he has with his father? Does he see his real father? Could your ds1 spent some time with your dh maybe catch a footie match?

swingofthings Sun 26-Feb-17 09:09:40

I'm in a similar situation, except that I have two children when OH has none. When I met him, DS was 5 and DD was 8 and he got along brilliant with DS but struggled with DD. It got worse when she started to act like a typical teenager but by the time was 14, she was over it and they started to get along great.

Unfortunately, the opposite happened with DS. DS went through the stage of talking back, being rude, hormones flying about so door slamming etc... and added to the fact that he treats his bedroom as a sty, OH started to really dislike him. This has led to them not communicating.

In a way, this is working as we all have a very busy life and so contact is not that frequent anyway. They will address each other, but beyond the good morning, how was school, there is nothing there. What does upset me is that DS who is now 14 has turned the page. He still has his grumpy moments, but isn't rude any longer and he actually is a teenage boy to be proud of, reliable, doing amazing at school. The state of his bedroom is still an issue but he is getting a bit better gradually. Unfortunately, it feels that the damage has been done at the moment, so neither of them are willing to make an effort to get their relationship back on track. I do understand DS not wanting to make an effort, after all, it is DH who took the step back, and DH is not yet at the stage where he can fully appreciate that DS is a great lad.

However, DH has admitted that some of his friends have exactly the same issues with their own boys, so it's not so much a step issue and as a matter of fact, his best friend has it much worse, even though he used to be extremely close to his boy.

I feel confident that once DS is over adolescence, they will gradually become close again as DH has with DD. I am always keeping an eye on DS so that this is not affecting him emotionally, especially the difference in behaviour with his sister, but so far, he is showing no distress by it.

I make sure that I treat him no different to how I would regardless of the situation, ie. picking him up on his behaviour, but always reminding him that I am totally dedicated to being his mum and loving him dearly as I always will regardless of his behaviour.

Mumofone1972 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:37:44

I have a similar situation Dh has 2 DS and I have 1 DS. My DS and DH have always struggled (in his life since he was 8 now 19). They clash because they compete for my attention!

My DH is very very clear that my DS is no.1 in my life (his 2 also come above him) however I am also very clear to back up husband in direct combat this is tongue in cheek mostly and only talk things through correct his behaviour out of the boys earshot.

It does get easier as they get older.

bellamcpoopants Mon 20-Mar-17 15:33:56

I could have written this post (in fact I can on here to do exactly that!).

Ds1 is 13, ds2 is 11 (both with my ex-h), we separated when ds2 was 1. Dh has been in their lives since they were 6 & 4. Dh & I now have a dd (1) and a ds on the way.

Ds1 has always had extreme behaviours, but calmed down considerably with dh's influence (he is generally an even tempered person). However in the last year (due to hormones/friendship group issues) his behaviour at home and school deteriorated and so did their relationship. Dh definitely treats ds1 differently to ds2, and dd. The latter I kind of expected.

It does come in peaks and troughs, and I am hoping that the hormones will calm down and they will both become a bit more reasonable towards each other. Dh is finding it hard as he feels he gets no credit from ds1 (ds2 is much more affectionate anyway) and ds1 can be downright disrespectful.

I have no good advice as I came on here to ask if counselling for step parents was useful as I think dh has unreasonably high expectations of ds1.

But here to chat if it'll help?

ZombieApocalips Mon 20-Mar-17 16:28:51

I think that it's a very common parenting issue. I'm a mum of 3 and have a difficult relationship with ds (15) and easy relationship with dd(13) and ds (10).
Their dad has the opposite - he finds ds(15) easier than dd(13) and ds(10).

With regards to my difficult relationship with ds, there are definite peaks and troughs and I have to adjust my thinking in order to recognise the peaks because they are different to the peaks that I have with his siblings.

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