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Family problems

(6 Posts)
ADavid94 Sat 25-Feb-17 12:57:24

I've been with my partner officially for a year now and he's 12 years my senior has 2 girls ages 8 and 6. Things are really quite difficult at the moment recently we had a miscarriage at 14 weeks kids didn't know I wanted keep pregnancy a secret aslong as possible due to having severe morning sickness and complications from day 1. Me and partner aren't getting on as great as we have in passed I was in a very abusive relationship with my 21 month olds biological father (not in picture with my son but still try's cause trouble) so I was really quite shut off emotionally for along time in the relationship and it's taken it toll. I had a lot of barriers up and now they've came down but my partner is at the end of tether I'm thinking basically it's too late. My behaviour was erratic for along time we live together it was all bit much he asked me to l marry him I became panicked and would every now and then say I didn't want be with him Only to change my mind which took its toll on him. His kids behaviour is quite shocking at times especially the older one he knows this himself and has said he'd tighten up on them but he's working a lot so majority time there with me not him and there behaviour escalates massively when he's not around. We have them 4 days a week and honestly I count down days till they are gone it's non stop them fighting killing each other or arguing with me older one can say really horrible things she's wiser than her years trys to manipulate situations by trying blackmail me or lying to her dad about things. They can be mean to my little boy aswell and say horrible things to him which really upsets me it's hard because I care for the girls massively but I find there behaviour difficult and sometimes I don't want my child to be around it as it upset him. But next minute they are totally different and it's so nice seeing them all play together being kind. Any conversations on this only seems to add to my partners unhappiness he's stressed to max just started up a new business etc. I don't know what to do because I love him and I know the reason we have problems is because of my Behaviour not showing I cared about him For along time. Should I just leave or should I stay try work it out even though he doesn't want to try anything I don't want him turn round 1 day and say it's finished I'd rather leave before that happened. He says he loves me he doesn't want it to finish but also says he doesn't care if I left tomorrow he wouldn't stop me anymore and that if it keeps going the way it is we will be finished. I didn't think things were as bad as he sees them he says I moan at him all the time which I don't mean to. We clash on parenting styles My mum is trained in childcare and development has multiple degrees, diplomas works within social care so I've had it drilled into me what is damaging parenting on kids development and what is not for example appropriate language when speaking to he kids. I never shout things like that towards kids and I'm very careful at my choice of word or id never leave my little one cry it out or just shove him in front of tv etc he's opposite he's very much old school parenting which I hate!

Underthemoonlight Sat 25-Feb-17 13:05:29

It sounds as if the girls are acting out over the situation. Are they witnessing your arguments with your dp? You've only been together a year that's nothing really in the grand scheme of things they won't have known you that long. It is however a massive to the two girls especially as you are living together and your little boy sees their DF every day I don't think you've considered the impact of blending families that it requires plenty of time and patience. Do they see their DF independent from you and your DS? I'm sorry for your loss but having another baby would have added further stress to the household especially as you describe it so tense with the girls.

Your mothers childcare qualifications bare no real meaning to this situation because people will parenting the way they see fit so not everyone parents following a book. If you have conflicting views on parenting then that does need addressing to see if you have any future in this but what you have to consider is his girls will always be there as much as your DS will be.

swingofthings Sat 25-Feb-17 14:15:17

There seems to have been a lot going on in very little time to recompose your family, it's no surprise that there is little control over what is going on.

Yes, you might be able to make it work, but you need to slow down. It takes time to make a relationship work, takes even more time to get step-children to accept you, and still more to get the whole wheel turning without too much trouble.

I am sincerely sorry for your miscarriage, having experienced it, I know how emotionally devastating it is, but please do consider whether being pregnant at this stage is the right thing to do if you are thinking about trying again. The situation is: OH starting a new business, stressed and overwhelmed. A relationship that seems to have more ups and downs. Two children who are trying to adjust to someone else coming into their lives half of their time, a toddler to give time and attention to, with a dad not in the picture, emotional baggage on your part.

It really really isn't the time to bring yet another child into this. Take a step back, concentrate on your relationship and step-children and don't expect too much. The priority is to get everyone to feel loved and valued, the rest really comes next.

ADavid94 Sun 26-Feb-17 15:49:35

I never said I was having another child or planning too I don't see having a miscarriage as a blessing and I don't think there ever is a right time to have a baby I've been in the girls life's for a year before we got together officially me and partner were just friends then I've known him for years but only met the kids 2 years ago we starting seeing each other for 7 months before we decided to go official make sure we worked first before telling kids etc

Underthemoonlight Sun 26-Feb-17 17:56:42

No one said a miscarriage was a blessing but the amount of time you describe isn't long in the grand scheme of things especially when there is other DC in the situation. What I and swing are saying is having another child when there is currently problems within the relationship and problems with your relationship to your two sds. The average length of a relationship is 18-2 years before people split. There is a right and wrong time to have a child and surely building on the relationship with your dp and his dd is priority first if you want to make this relationship work.

ADavid94 Mon 27-Feb-17 08:52:33

I think my point been missed I wasn't asking for advice on having another child because He first pregnancy was a surprise I never had any intention of having any more than 1 child it was more should I stay and try or leave I'm not sure what's best for my little one or the girls if things are difficult between me and partner sometimes majority of time we get on but when we fight which is never in front of girls but he doesn't seem mind doing it infront of my boy he says he's young so wouldn't understand then there's an astomosphere that surely girls would pick up on when I was a single parent things were much more simpler being part of a family is not something I'm used to even as a youngerster it was a broken home

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