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Advice needed can't take much more

(6 Posts)
Bridget12 Tue 21-Feb-17 15:03:02

My hubby has a son from a previous relationship as do I both are 8 my daughter and his son get on great two little peas in a pod and being a child of divorce myself I like to make sure he is treated no different to my daughter both have lovely rooms tons of clothes shoes and toys more than they need really my hubby pays child support through a private agreement and we offer to buy uniform pay for classes etc however my stepson isn't happy with his time at his mums for some reason he is reluctant to talk to his dad and chooses to confide in me there is lots of arguing at his mums she is overly strict and he feels he isn't allowed any responsibility and is treated like a baby he actually said he wants to help her clean but isn't allowed lol he help out here and is a joy to have around I'm very much each to there own with parenting however she continually calls his dad names excuses him of being a bad dad and not being interested however his is at our house 3 days a week we go to every parents evening and most of his sports events work permitting we asked for more time with him as did my stepson she said no we asked to attend events she says no we offer uniform etc she says no then make out that were rolling in money and won't help we have tried to build bridges but she refuses to meet up or even talk to us at times she is very abrasive with me despite the fact I have never had a crossed word with her and have always been a supporter of her especially when she was a single mum however the constant drip of abuse of my hubby is hurting him and his son is now noticing what's going on and saying he wants to live with us. She also manipulates he son to choose her over his dad including offering presents and emotionally blackmailing him to do things with her in our time this has caused him to cry at times as he feels he has no choice but to go along with her and thinks we will be disappointed in him I tell him that's not the case and we support his choices but he crystal saying he wants to stay with us my hubby has no interest in court etc or more custody we just want to improve communication with her so he isn't stuck in the middle

swingofthings Tue 21-Feb-17 18:11:23

You can't control her behaviour but what you can do and seem to be doing is providing stability and reassurance to your SS.

He clearly feels he can confide in you, so that's great. Keep things as you are, same with his dad, don't ever undermine his mum regardless of how much she undermines you and try to keep communication with her to a minimum. In a few years time, you won't need to have to talk to her at all.

Bridget12 Wed 22-Feb-17 14:22:37

I can't wait for that day to come lol I have always been nice to her even if it's not mutual and never said anything bad about her just wish she could be more amenable

Underthemoonlight Wed 22-Feb-17 14:35:16

I think your far too involved and you getting the mothers back up here why do you need to be present at parents evenings? I think you need to take a step back and let your DP handle things between his ex .I have a ok relationship in terms of co-parenting because his DW does not get involved nor does my DH. There's no dramas whatsoever in 6 years of contact. I don't even have a contact number for her and visa versa.

I have an 8 year old and behaviour wise hes been quite naughty lately, speaking to friends of dc similar age they experience it, her being strict might just simply be her disciplining him and he doesn't like it. I get massively frustrated with ex because he plays Disney dad and refuses to discipline DS making me the bad guy and his dad the good guy so much so his extended families members have commented on the lack of discipline. DS has said in temper he wants to live with his DF but later will apologise and say how much he loves me , honestly hes like a teenager at time. At this age I would take it with a pinch of salt unless theres signs of neglect.I certainly wouldn't be moving for more contact or full time.

Underthemoonlight Wed 22-Feb-17 14:38:10

He too has also said how hes upset at his fathers house or something hasn't gone his way.

Bridget12 Thu 23-Feb-17 11:28:52

Hi with the parents day thing I don't go with his mum present we make a seperate appointment my hubby use to go with her but she insisted that her boyfriend go with her and told him she expected me to go too so we make seperate appointments there are sighs of some neglect he is vastly underweight and complains of hunger when my hubby picks him up and wears clothes too small and stained and ripped but I don't judge on clothing as she might send him like that on purpose not wanting to send him in good clothes to ours he is made to undress when we send him back in the hall and has to give us our clothing back as she dosnt want it in her house it's all very childish I just wanted advice on how my husband can support him it's hard as she demands I'm involved then changes her mind so I don't take her on any more as it was upsetting my ss so we just do out thing and smile through gritted teeth he has been saying he wants to live with us for around 6 months bit I'd rather he had a happy relationship with his mum than go for full custody I think you may have got the wrong end of the stick but we have never said any of this too her but when she is swearing and abusing my husband in front of there son it's damaging to him and yes I know I can't control her behaviour but it doesn't make it any easier my hubby has asked to meet her to discuss what she feels he isn't there for so we can hopefully move forward but she is now ignoring his texts and has told him he isn't aloud to phone his son any more which he has done twice a week since they split when he was 2 I just feel it's horrible and hard to see my ss upset I'm not like this with my daughters dad we joke and laugh and attend things together

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