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Seeing DSCs after a long break

(16 Posts)
Lala1980 Sun 19-Feb-17 19:37:25

After parental alienation, DP had to go to court to stop ex withholding access. We haven't seen DSCs since May 16. The court has ordered that they can come to us next week as there was no valid reason for access to cease.
We are obviously delighted but I am terrified. They will have changed and grown up lots and we suspect poisoned against us for months, and I just don't know how to be or if they hate me.
I asked DP if he wanted me around the first time they come back but he said absolutely, we need to work through this and rebuild relationship with them together.
I guess I know whatever's been said, they will always love their dad cos he's their dad. But they've notaken got those same ties with me.
Sorry if this sounds silly but after months of this being all we've wanted, I'm now scared. Any advice?

swingofthings Mon 20-Feb-17 06:09:19

How old are they?

I think he is very wrong and you are right. The priority is HIM regaining his relationship with his kids, and you supporting him to do so, but I expect he is scared to do this so wants you to be with him to deal with any difficulties.

My advice would be not to expect too much. If it goes wrong, it's not the end of the world, it just means having to start the foundations again. Don't mention anything at all about court, their mum, why they haven't seen them. Don't go on and on about how your miss them, more that you are very pleased to see them.

Don't turn into Disney family and don't make the whole time about them. Invite them into your routine, but make them feel that they can take part very naturally. For instance, take them food shopping if that's what you would normally do, but give them a voice about what to cook for dinner, or what drinks to buy etc...

If you can, do let your DP be with them on his own because they really coming to see him and him rebuilding his relationship with them should be the absolute priority, and you should be able to have some time for yourself.

Good luck.

ZombieApocalips Mon 20-Feb-17 07:35:48

I'm the first wife and my kids have had periods of not seeing their dad because of problems with the gf and not parental alienation.

I agree that you shouldn't be there. The priority is the relationship between dsc and dad.

quarkinstockcubes Mon 20-Feb-17 08:51:27

I also would echo that it should be just your DP initially.

don't make the whole time about them.

If I hadn't seen my kids for nearly a year I would most definitely want to make it all about them. Please do not take them food shopping the first time he sees them again.

NewNNfor2017 Mon 20-Feb-17 12:14:38

zombie are you proposing that the OP moves out of her home for the duration of the court ordered contact?
If contact becomes regular, how long should she continue to do this? Until the DC's are "ready"?

I did exactly that to accommodate my DH seeing his DS after a period of contact being withheld.

Previous family holidays together etc had been forgotten and I was described as DH's "new girlfriend" despite being in his life for years - 3 years on, and his DS still isn't "ready" to spend time with me again (he says it is because it will upset his mum) and DH has a totally separate life with me that his DS isn't a part of.

DH's DS undoubtedly feels embarrassed and awkward about the things that have happened and been said about me - I don't think we have done him any favours by allowing him to lead the integration into his Dads family, as I don't think it will ever happen.

Evergreen777 Mon 20-Feb-17 12:27:22

Wouldn't there be a compromise of being there, greating them, showing you're pleased to see them. But later in the day, making some excuse to give them a little time alone with their dad at some point?

ZombieApocalips Mon 20-Feb-17 17:40:01

I'm not suggesting OP moves out. It might be sensible for her to catch up with friends, visit family etc on the weekends that they visit.

thethoughtfox Mon 20-Feb-17 17:42:48

It should be just their father to begin with.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Mon 20-Feb-17 17:48:21

I think Evergreen has a good solution.
Unfortunately, I think first wives/partners place unrealistic demands sometimes when it comes to their ex's new partners.

DPs ex has been so difficult that me (and our children) and his children no longer see each other at all.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 20-Feb-17 17:53:00

It is your house. . No reason you should leave it at all. Maybe offer to make drinks is /snacks then make yourself busy in another room but be around - yes he is their parent but he is your dh and that's your home. . The bigger picture is surely to work towards all spending time together and being there for each other not a divided place they visit?

PigletWasPoohsFriend Mon 20-Feb-17 17:56:08

I'm not suggesting OP moves out. It might be sensible for her to catch up with friends, visit family etc on the weekends that they visit.

So are you also saying that the DM shouldn't have partners aswell then. After all what's good enough for one...

Lala1980 Mon 20-Feb-17 21:33:00

Thank you all. I have to go away with work so won't be there for the first 6 hours or so. I will not move out but don't want to overstep either....
Question. Before they stopped coming last yr, they spend a lot of time with my sister's kids as they all get on very well. My niece has been nagging for months when can she see them again but is the first time too soon or would that be good for "normality"?
DSCs are 12, 10 and 8 x

Evergreen777 Mon 20-Feb-17 21:45:46

I think I'd see how they are with you first. If all seems good you could mention that your neice is keen to see them and see how they take it. But having her there on the first time they see their dad in ages is probably a bit too much too soon.

Normality is good as a long term goal, but that kind of gap in contact is a big thing. I don't think you can expect them just to slot straight back in. They'll need a bit of time getting used to you and their dad and telling you about their lives first.

Wdigin2this Tue 21-Feb-17 00:11:33

I agree with Evergreen!

swingofthings Tue 21-Feb-17 06:05:43

Agree too. Of course you shouldn't be moving out, it's your home, the idea is ridiculous, but it should be your OH looking after them, giving them attention, organising the week-end, and most importantly, talking to them, reassuring them and....asking if they want him to organise to get together with you niece's children.

At 12 especially, they might have changed a lot in these few months, such as gone from playing with dolls, dressing in kids' clothes and talking non stop to dressing in teenage clothes, playing with her phone and only speaking in monosyllable.

Hisstory Tue 21-Feb-17 10:36:17

What a difficult situation. I really hope it goes well. I guess they are old enough to let you know what they would like to do. I agree that it doesn't need to be full on Disney.

I think seeing your sisters kids might work - you could ask the kids what they thought.

It's nice if you have an activity to do while you are together so that the conversation flows more freely. Even with our own kids we used to play a lot of cards while we went out for meals.

Obviously the priority should be the kids relationship with their Dad but that doesn't mean you should keep out their way. It might be better if you were around the whole time. It just depends on the kid and their relationship with their Dad and you.

Good luck

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