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How do you do it?

(8 Posts)
hisvalentine Sat 18-Feb-17 10:03:12

I've been in my step child's life since dsc was about 13 months old. Child is now 3.5
In the beginning we were very close, fall in me to sleep, would only eat if I spoon fed not their father, wanted to play with me only etc etc

The last... 6 months? Have been hell!!
Screaming they hate me, won't come near me, if bedtime is mentioned it's "but I'm not sleeping on hisvalentine" I buy a treat for them they won't like it, screams I miss my mummy when it falls to me to do anything with/for stepchild.
Stepchild has just said "I'm not going to your birthday" and I said "oh that's a shame I wanted to share my cake with you" stepchild just shrugged and asked to play with my eldest. My child saw this and was literally stood their with her mouth wide open.

I know at least some of it is because of step child's age. I have kids so I know that much.
Since this started I've taken a back seat, not pushed our relationship and just let stepchild do their thing with their dad.

Step child has now started being like this to my kids. And it's always when their dad has popped out or left the room! I've told him and he just says I'm being silly or tell sc to "be nice"

I'm struggling so much with it all. Perhaps I'm being a baby, but I feel like an evil stepmother!

Any advice welcome.

swingofthings Sat 18-Feb-17 10:11:09

Maybe they are unconsciously expressing that they wish their dad spent more time with them?

Take a deep breath, don't take it personally, all kids are different and yes, they do go through phases. Maybe your parenting style is different to their mum and dad and they are reacting to it. They just need to adjust. Give it time.

Underthemoonlight Sat 18-Feb-17 18:19:43

It sounds like you've been far too involved when he's been a baby and your dp has taken a back seat and now as a older child he was wanting more quality time with his DF rather than you and is expressing it. I have a toddler they are demanding and my dd is a complete daddy's girl at the moment I wouldnt take it to heart.

junebirthdaygirl Sat 18-Feb-17 18:38:21

When my gd was 3 she would say to her dm when she insisted it was bedtime " l'm not buying you anything for your birthday" It was hilarious and just a stage. Maybe you are too conscious of him being your ss and he would probably say the same if he was your own. Just keep loving him and accept his feeling when he says he misses his dm. That is normal enough.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 Sat 18-Feb-17 19:25:02

I would be suspicious that his mother is bad mouthing you. i used to have a similar issue with my dsd when she was around 4 , I couldn't figure out for the life of me what had gone wrong. It turned out her mother wasn't keen on us having a good relationship and felt threatened by it and in turn started bad mouthing me . Things have improved now (she is now 6) but I'm very aware that things are going well because she is not being pressured to dislike me , and that that could change at any time. I try to take a back seat role and stay under her mothers radar.

hisvalentine Sun 19-Feb-17 03:55:42

You know I did say to my husband I think his Auntie might be saying things. I get on well with his mum, stepdad and gran, so does his dad.
But his Auntie he sees a lot and she despises us a hell of a lot! Dh said he wouldn't put it past her.

I have taken a huge step back, I don't do anything for him anymore and let him come to me. I do my best not to let it bother me, but cause my kids are seeing it, that's what's bugging me. Even my youngest said to my husband he hated him last week, and that's a completely new thing I think he has picked up of dss - completely uncalled for too. Don't get me wrong he can be a toad, but them two are like best buds!

swingofthings Sun 19-Feb-17 08:37:24

And here we go again, trying to blame someone else for things being difficult with no evidence that this is the problem. Same, don't start blaming your ss for your youngest behaviour, it is pointless. Who knows, maybe it's the other way around anyway.

The actual reason is much likely to be what others have suggested, ie. it's a phase, they are expressing that they want more attention from their dad at the moment. It is highly common, and happens also in non step families.

BlueClearSkies Sun 19-Feb-17 10:25:32

It could just be a phase. Though it could be conflict in having two mother figures. Just trying to work out his feelings. Maybe someone has suggested to him that his DM is the one he should love.

Try not to take it personally, be there when he wants you.

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