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Recommended Reading?

(37 Posts)
Daffodillydolly Tue 14-Feb-17 23:10:26

Can anyone recommend a useful step parenting book that deals with the emotional side of being a step parent? I'm really struggling to accept my DHs DCs and feel frustrated / resentful / angry and confused at myself that I cannot justify my feelings. Does anyone have a book or website that they felt really helped with issues such as these please?

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 15-Feb-17 16:49:51

www.amazon.co.uk/Stepmonster-Look-Real-Stepmothers-Think/dp/1517071380/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487176890&sr=8-1&keywords=stepmonster&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Happy-Stepmum-Lisa-Doodson/dp/0091929628/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487176911&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=hot+to+be+a+happy+stepmum&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Both worth a go, and completely different. Stepmonster is long, weighty and unnecessarily academic in places. But I took a lot from it all the same.

Happy Stepmum is an easy read. Has some good exercises and I found it useful. I remember reading bits out loud to DH who also found it useful. Sometimes easier to do that and attribute a thought to someone else than try and express it yourself.

Sorry you're having a tough time. Feeling angry with yourself is completely unproductive, so try and let that go. Looking for insight into how you feel, why that is and how to manage it differently is exactly the right thing to do.
You'll probably find it most helpful to know that you're not alone and if there are books about it a lot of other people have been here before you.

Having never read a self help book in my life, step parenting and going into a second marriage have sent me into the arms of the wise people who have walked these paths before me and their thoughts on the matter!

This forum can be really useful too. I've learnt and continue to learn a lot by reading what other people do in certain situations and had some great support. But it's an open forum and there are always a certain cohort who stop by just to give us a kicking, so bring your thick skin.

Starting with a book or two is a good plan. Good luck smile

Daffodillydolly Wed 15-Feb-17 18:48:35

Thank you so much for your reply, I've just ordered both books. I really want to try and untangle these feelings so I'm hoping this is a good place to start. I've lurked the forum for a few months now but I've been put off posting for the very reasons you've said!
Again, thanks so much for your brilliant replysmile

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 15-Feb-17 19:59:10

You're very welcome, I hope you find the books helpful smile

Do you want to share your set up? Please do if it would be good to chat it through. Otherwise have a read and see how you get on.

user1493231605 Wed 26-Apr-17 22:53:39

Hi to you both, I think we may have a lot in common. I have just ordered the Lisa Doodson book. I wondered how you got on with it?

newfor2017 Thu 27-Apr-17 07:01:16

Lisa Doodson actually does courses too - 1 day workshops. Or at least she used to. I went to one many moons ago and found it helpful.

I second that this forum while interesting is a dangerous place to seek help!

user1493231605 Thu 27-Apr-17 07:13:40

Hi there
Yes I have looked into the courses. This forum worries me a little, however it's difficult to know where to go when you feel like you're becoming a step monster lol....... I'm not of course, but I am struggling with the difference between a nuclear and a blended family. Many thanks for your reply.

newtothisanna Thu 27-Apr-17 20:00:52

Hi all. I feel very similar to you guys too! Been living as a 'second family' for nearly a year and God it's tough! Thought I was loosing my mind with all the feeling you mentioned in your first post! I found Stepmonster book and really helped, mainly with the simple acknowledgment that it is is tough! Also have happy stepmom, helpful also but what I liked about stepmonster is it being totally from the mums point of view and how hard it can be...and that many friends not in the same situation just don't 'get it'. I then stumbled onto this forum and do agree its a scary and opinionated place, not great when we're feeling low about ourselves anyway!
I even contacted some of my local Facebook groups to see if there were any local step mums that would fancy a coffee etc. A couple contacted me to tell me their story, then I never heard from then again sad
I just think that 'mum friends' can be really important, and if they are all in a 'first family' I can't let of steam to them about my issues.
Sorry seem to have waffled on a bit here! Hope you get the gist xx

user1493231605 Thu 27-Apr-17 20:58:07

I agree. I'm finding it sooooo tough. I want to feel about his kids the way I feel about mine, and I just don't. My partners children have been brought up so differently to mine, which is my major difficulty.
Where in the country are you?

newtothisanna Thu 27-Apr-17 22:04:51

I'm in Sussex
You?
Daffodil?

Magda72 Thu 27-Apr-17 22:10:59

@user, I am struggling hugely with this also; Dps kids being brought up so differently to mine & their dm (& also my dp) parenting in a way that's completely alien to me.
I'm also going to order those books as I get on great with kids & teens in general but am really struggling to build any connection with Dps kids.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Thu 27-Apr-17 22:14:45

I bought a book called Step-Coupling which was recommended on here, focusing on the importance of presenting a united front and keeping your relationship strong. But without a DP on the same page it's a bit half hearted. sad.

I don't live with DP mainly because I don't feel the warmth for his DCs that I'd need to feel to cope with the demands of a busy blended family.

I know people say fake it til you make it and spend time individually with the SDCs to build a relationship but if they're not interested it's difficult.

This board is horrendous, anyone struggling with SDCs is usually told they should never have got together with a dad if they can't love his DCs as their own, so it's better to stay quiet about it. Shame as it should be a place for mutual support.

newfor2017 Fri 28-Apr-17 07:50:14

It's shame there isn't a group message facility on Mumsnet. Shall we start a Facebook group??

user1493231605 Fri 28-Apr-17 08:30:12

I would be happy to do that, as we sound as though we are all in the same boat and are pretty sensible about it too.

Glitterbaby17 Sat 29-Apr-17 03:27:45

I'd be really interested in that too. Is so hard - I adore DSD and am expecting a new baby next month and sometimes it's so hard because you have all these things to worry about that first time families don't

newfor2017 Sat 29-Apr-17 07:21:28

I'll try and set one up over the weekend and PM you. Xx

newtothisanna Sat 29-Apr-17 08:52:29

Yes please x

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Sat 29-Apr-17 20:15:26

yes I'd be happy to join a secret group on FB! Message me if you set it up x

newtothisanna Tue 02-May-17 20:38:43

Hi all, just wanted to check I hadn't missed anything as not even sure where or how to do private messaging on here? Thanks

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Tue 02-May-17 20:39:47

If you click on the three little dots at the bottom of each post you get an option to PM smile

newtothisanna Tue 02-May-17 21:02:55

I can't see that. Using a phone app, do I need to be on a pc?

user1493231605 Wed 03-May-17 07:07:27

Newtothisanna I do think there is a PM in the app. It's daft really as would be great to chat to like mindedness.

newtothisanna Wed 03-May-17 16:05:21

Do you mean you don't think there is in the app? Thanks for the reply. What could we do if that is the case then? Would be great to set up a group as we all seem to be on the same wavelength

newfor2017 Wed 03-May-17 16:33:00

I'll do it tomorrow! Sorry, been manic - sick stepkid!!!

newtothisanna Wed 03-May-17 17:00:39

Ah sorry to hear that. See lots to discuss ;)

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