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Is it normal to not ask about DC when they're not with you?

(13 Posts)
Clemmythyme Sun 12-Feb-17 23:25:28

I have an 8 year old DS from a previous relationship and two girls with my now husband aged 4 and 2. My ex sees DS EOW and extra during the holidays. He only lives half hour away and frequently works ten minutes away but doesn't ask to see DS during the week, doesn't ask me how he is or ask to speak to him. He then will often send his mum or GF to collect DS without forewarning him that he won't be there himself; sometimes this is just for collection but sometimes he isn't there for whole nights/days.

I let DS have a day off school last week so we could have a special day out, just the two of us. My ex has kicked off saying he didn't agree and how dare I not consult him. I feel like telling him that he should make more effort to show an interest in DS' life and that he just wade in with complaints. However I don't know many other separated families so I'm unsure if his lack of contact during the time DS is with me is normal?

swingofthings Mon 13-Feb-17 08:42:53

Yes it is normal as it is the routine that's been built. I expect you DS could call if he needed to speak to him and they both feel that catching up every other weekend is fine. I would think that he asks his parents to pick up DS when he can't do it himself. As for not being around during his visit it depends on the reason and how often it occurs but spending time with grand parents is important too.

I am with you ex about your decision to take him off school for a special day out, I think it gives a very wrong message to your son but besides voicing his opinion I think it would be unnecessary to make a big deal of it.

WannaBe Mon 13-Feb-17 11:07:29

My DS is fourteen now so is capable of maintaining his own contact with his dad. However I do e.g. Tel him if DS is off school for instance and if I forget to text him the next day to say he's gone back he will text to ask. But other than that he doesn't enquire about DS' wellbeing from me.

However, I do think that taking DS out of school for a special day without consulting your ex was unreasonable, and if my ex did this I would hit the roof.

Isadora2007 Mon 13-Feb-17 11:12:36

I don't think the contact is that weird sadly. These "parents" seem to be able to switch their parenting off and on at will and compartmentalise being a dad unlike us mums who are on 24/7 whether we like it or not.

But I don't think you were unreasonable to take your child out of school without telling your ex. He chooses to not be involved in the daily life of your child so he doesn't need to be consulted imo. He doesn't do the school runs and the daily grind and the homework etc. So he loses the right to decide if you take your child out for some one on one time. I hope you and he had a good day.

It sucks a lot co-parenting with someone like that. But your son will see what a real parent is like and soon know his dad just isn't that good a parent...

DisneyMillie Wed 15-Feb-17 11:21:25

I don't necessarily agree with you taking your child out of school for a day out so I can see why ex is annoyed. However I wouldn't think of telling ex if dd was off ill or we were away for weekend etc so I don't think the lack of contact is abnormal

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 18-Feb-17 17:21:59

Do you realise your choics in school attendance could cost him money?

reallyanotherone Sat 18-Feb-17 17:27:57

What if he took ds out of school for a day without checking with you?

And yes, he could be fined as well as you, for your decision.

Aderyn2016 Sat 18-Feb-17 17:35:32

It pisses me off when people who do very little parenting think they can interfere with decisions made by the person who actually does do it!

There are more important things in life than 100% school attendance. Sometimes kids need to do something special with their family during term time - the sky will not cave in!

pinkish Sat 18-Feb-17 17:36:26

I think it's bizarre for your DH to object to anything you do in your time with your son, including taking him out of school for a one-off. My dss's mum never consulted DH about entire weeks he had off (DH didn't like it but didn't see it as his business to object) or any boyfriends she introduced him to for that matter.

And I think it's awful that your ex isn't there when your son goes for contact. DH would always let his ex know if he was going to be away and they'd usually rearrange contact (rarely happened).

Chasingsquirrels Sat 18-Feb-17 17:41:12

Neither I, nor my ex, contact about the kids when they are with the other parent on a day to day basis.

When we first split he'd text me in the evening to tell me they were okay.
Holidays when they are with the other parent for longer than normal we'll have phone contact.
As they are older now we will message or facetime directly.

ZombieApocalips Sat 18-Feb-17 18:10:55

If your ex saw your son regularly (say 50/50 )then you should tell him about all absences from school. As long as the special days are very unusual then I think it's fine not to request permission from him but I have a Disney Parent ex.

My ex has the kids for 24 hours a fortnight and the kids all have phones. He texts them "good morning/good night/I'm leaving to pick you up now " but wouldn't have a clue about very basic stuff like their friends, favourite meal at the moment. He would listen if the kids mentioned things but wouldn't seek out details that a parent should know as he's taken a Disney Parent stance to life.

cantmakeme Sat 25-Feb-17 17:13:09

Yes, I think it's weird that he doesn't contact his son at all in between visits. My ex sends messages to my DD, asks about stuff she's doing etc, and he sees her twice a week over night.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes Sat 25-Feb-17 17:46:04

I had the same with my ex and not through lack of trying to get him more involved.

I think people missed the part where you said you took them out of school for ONE day and not a bloody week. Put it this way (after giving up trying to get ex to be more involved/interest) I stopped trying my DD was picking up on my frustration and the effort I was wasting in getting him to be more involved.

If your son was ill off school would you bother ringing ex to tell him? In my case there was no fucking point because its not like he ever offered to help or asked if they needed anything or would drop any plans to look after said child or bothered to find out how they was doing later. No so fuck it he was not entitled to know anything. The same as you taking him out of school for a day, no he's not entitled to know. Does he take any responsibility other than having him every other weekend? My arse ex felt he had a right to know what I was doing but the rules didn't apply to him.

I never told him when I took DD away or anything as it did not effect his time or shall I say lack of time spent with her, nor did he ever take her away when he went on his jolly's even though I kept saying he could.

I can tell you how that relationship turned out now they are an adult, DD cant be bothered with him. I'm sad for her but couldn't not give a flying shit how he feels about that.

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