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Perfect man for my son not for me?

(4 Posts)
Sounsure12349 Sun 12-Feb-17 15:58:01

Hi , iv literally joined this site as I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do 😥 I have had a history of abusive relationships and most recently the one with my sons dad which ended nearly 4 years ago. I vowed to never get in to a relationship ever again and was mostly happy on my own but struggled. Last year however I met the nicest kindest man that you literally couldn't imagine would exist ! But I got involved initially for the wrong reasons (money) as the months went on he eased the pressure off me not only financially but helping with my son , so I decided to continue on even though I had huge doubts about being attracted to him and weather our personalitys matched because he made my life in every way easier! I can not express how unique he is, absolutely adores me and loves my son like his own , my son is now very attached to him because he doesn't have a very good relationship with his biological dad. My issue is now that I feel totally torn, I don't find him physically attractive and feel no more but friendship feelings with him , when he's away I don't feel like talking to him much and rarely look forward to seeing him.. however when he's with us and we are doing family days out I really enjoy the time we spend together and it feels like a real family.... the issue for me is that in all my past relationships I think iv become addicted to the abuse and now I have a guy who is so perfect in all areas in how he treats us im just not happy! If I split with him my son would miss him desperately and I would no doubt miss him in a way... it's so hard to explain this situation and I'm just so confused .... I feel so guilty that I feel like that and I haven't told him how I feel I just don't know what to do! The last thing I want is to go back to a guy that is "my type" which clearly is abusive 😖 The two only issues I have with him are that he's not physically what I find attractive (too slim) and isn't as intelligent as I would like.... Can anyone relate to this or offer me some advice? X

Underthemoonlight Sun 12-Feb-17 19:19:05

Your using this man and your being unfair if you have no feelings stronger than friendship you need to behonest he is not financially or emotionally responsible for you and your DS.

Sounsure12349 Sun 12-Feb-17 21:33:04

I suppose I do have very deep feelings for him and I don't want him out of my life I just want to appreciate him more and feel madly in love with him , I don't think it's as simple as me just using him as that's not the case, he's a really good man and I just don't want to be with another "bad guy" again ... so maybe I'm just looking for ways to make it work?

HerrenaHarridan Sun 12-Feb-17 21:54:21

If all you have ever known is abusive patterns of behaviour it's hard to reconcile being treated well.

I think you're right that with the good support to process your previous traumas you can be very happy with this guy.
You didn't intend for things to get serious and a shallow attraction was find but now You clearly care for him deeply.

Get some counselling, work through your shit. Stop talking yourself out of loving this beautiful person for fear of it going wrong and allow yourself to celebrate the joy you can bring each other

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