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Step kids won't accept new baby

(198 Posts)
minieggmad Wed 08-Feb-17 23:57:17

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and he has two girls from his previous relationship ages 11 and 14 who we normally see every other weekend. I have always got on amazingly well with both of them and felt they really respected me. However this has all changed since my partner and myself have had a new baby. At first it was just a few snotty remarks behind our backs to other family members but now the baby is here it's worse!
The tipping point for me was Christmas. Firstly when they arrived they did not even acknowledge the baby. Wouldn't even look at him! This made me furious they were sat on the sofa right next to him! It's obvious their mother has told them not to interact with him.
Then the kids and my partner were playing a board game and I was trying my best to settle baby down to sleep. The game was still going on at 11 at night and I was still trying to settle the baby as they were all shouting being load and keeping him awake. I must have told them 10 times to be quiet. Eventually I firmly told them to go to bed as they couldn't be quiet, got sniddy comments in return. angry
My partner and I consequently had a huge row as he says I have no right to tell them off and he says he doesn't want to do it himself as he doesn't see them very often and doesn't want to spoil the time he does spend with them. He also says them having fun is more important than the baby getting sleep!
My point here is what on earth do I do? I honestly feel like I no longer want them in my home but then again am I just being selfish after all they are just kids and also my sons siblings!
Or do I say to my partner from now on you see them else where? My baby can't be disturbed every time they are here just because they don't want to be respectful.
I also look after them occasionally on the weekends while my partner is working which I am not comfortable doing any longer. I am so worried this is going to cause a massive issue in our relationship and am so torn about what to do.
Any body else had this sort of reaction from step kids towards new siblings? Any advice would be very welcome.

ImperialBlether Thu 09-Feb-17 00:04:43

I wouldn't look after them at the weekend. If he can't look after them, their mum can. One or the other. There's no way I'd give up my weekend to look after children who were rude to me.

I would go off him completely, to be honest. He's teaching them bad manners and he's hostile towards you.

NarkyMcDinkyChops Thu 09-Feb-17 00:08:42

You share a house. You can't just ban his children from his house, don't be ridiculous.

TinklyLittleLaugh Thu 09-Feb-17 00:20:54

Do you think it's possible that hormonally your new baby is making you detatach a bit from the older ones? I have four kids and every time I had a new baby I kind of felt that I couldn't be bothered with the older ones. Obviously I realised what was happening and didn't act on these feelings, but they were definitely there.

I think things can only work if you treat them like you would your own kids. So both you and DH tell them off if they get out of line. I think DH needs to change his shifts or his access days so that he is around for his kids too.

I wouldn't worry too much about the girls not bonding with your DS: they are bound to feel a bit pushed out and newborns are a bit boring to kids. I'm sure they will like him when he's a bit older.

minieggmad Thu 09-Feb-17 00:23:39

I'm not talking about banning them I wouldn't do that. You are right we do share a house which means it's my home too so why should I have them stay while I have to look after them (not him )when they are rude and disrespectful it's not acceptable.
I am not an evil step mother and never have been. I am the one who always takes them out and does things with them, I buy most of their birthday and Xmas gifts and organise their birthdays etc I have given them my all.
I just don't know how else to get through to my partner and his kids that it is not on. Maybe if he went to stay at his mums house with them for the next few weekends he has them and spent some quality time alone with them without me and the baby they might feel less pushed out? I'm guessing that's what the issue is here.

NarkyMcDinkyChops Thu 09-Feb-17 00:25:55

I'm not talking about banning them I wouldn't do that

Really? Your OP: I honestly feel like I no longer want them in my home
Or do I say to my partner from now on you see them else where? My baby can't be disturbed every time they are here just because they don't want to be respectful

If you're trying to force him to see them elsewhere, what is that except banning them

minieggmad Thu 09-Feb-17 00:28:17

I don't think I've detached emotionally from them I tried involving them as much as possible with the baby I took them out shopping and let them Both chose a new out fit for him and they helped us chose his name. I've asked them if they want to help bath him etc. I'm just at a loss I feel like our little happy family unit is ruinedsad

TinklyLittleLaugh Thu 09-Feb-17 00:28:50

FWIW, most little babies growing up in a houseful of older siblings soon learn to sleep through any sort of noise. I know he's your little precious one but I think you may be being a tad overprotective. In the nicest possible way, the world doesn't revolve around him, your step daughters have rights in their Dad's house too. They shouldn't have to be creeping around.

newusername567 Thu 09-Feb-17 00:30:05

Sounds like your DH either agrees to you disciplining his children or he looks after them himself. How are you supposed to deal with rude disrespectful behaviour if you're not "allowed" to protect yourself?! I've been there and ended up divorced!! And this is coming from someone who gave 200% to my ex step kids. Sometimes u just can't win.

minieggmad Thu 09-Feb-17 00:33:36

Yes that's how I feel not what I would do and I never said the word ban. Yes I'm annoyed and right now I don't feel like I want them in my house at the moment until things have calmed down. him seeing them else where for a couple of weekends isn't banning them is it. I just feel it would help them have quality time with their dad as they obviously arnt happy about the new baby.

TinklyLittleLaugh Thu 09-Feb-17 00:34:08

You sound like you've tried hard to include them Mini but you can't force these things. DS1 was 12 when I had DS2. For no apparent reason, he just didn't like him, wouldn't even look at him until he was 12 months old, and he'd been absolutely fine when his younger sisters came along.

Once DS2 became more of a cute little person he started being more interested. Now at 22 and 10 they adore each other. Just give them a bit of time.

minieggmad Thu 09-Feb-17 00:40:42

Of course I'm over protective and yes they have a right to be at their dads house but they also need to learn to show some respect while they are here towards me and the baby. The baby will learn to settle around noise to an extent but I do think the girls are old enough to understand that baby's need to sleep and Whilst Im not asking them to tip toe around a bit of quiet time while he's settling is perfectly reasonable thing to ask from kids of that age.
I do think my partner needs to spend quality time with them without me around too like I've already said I think they feel like the baby has somehow replaced them which I don't want them to think.

MommaGee Thu 09-Feb-17 00:56:05

What would you do if these two were yours and this was a new baby with new DP? They could just as easily resent the new baby and play up on it. Its not an unusual response to a new baby that doesn't do much and doesn't interact with them much. You presumably wouldn't tell them to go live with their Dad until they could be nicer. My point is you need to work through it not around it

Maybe if he went to stay at his mums house with them for the next few weekends he has them and spent some quality time alone with them without me and the baby they might feel less pushed out?
Yeah cos nothing says your part of the family like them being sent elsewhere for a month or so cos they're upsetting YOUR baby

If DH is letting them be naughty then absolutely he needs to step up. if you're caring for them on your own you need to be able to discipline them but I dont think stopping them seeing him is the answer.

Id make sure you keep trying to include them with DS, make sure DP also interacts with DS whilst they're there and if DP doesn't pick up on misbehavior take that up with him away from the kids

minieggmad Thu 09-Feb-17 01:06:27

I was just thinking they might want some daddy daughter time and also give me chance it get over being annoyed which is selfish of me I know. Perhaps what would be helpful is if I took them out on my own for some girl time just out for hot chocolate or something like we used to do before baby came along perhaps I have been a bit distracted and maybe that isn't helping their behaviour.
I know I need to persevere with them and the baby and be patient I'm sure they will come round eventually.
I'm just angry that they are being disrespectful when I've done so much for them it's hurtful and I would have liked my partner to back me up a little bit. You know how it is.

NarkyMcDinkyChops Thu 09-Feb-17 01:09:05

* I never said the word ban. Yes I'm annoyed and right now I don't feel like I want them in my house at the moment until things have calmed down. him seeing them else where for a couple of weekends isn't banning them is it*

Yes, telling them they aren't allowed to come to your house and must see their father elsewhere is banning them from your house. There is no other word for it.

You don't have a step kid problem, you have a DP problem. He doesn't discipline his children. that is the issue here.

MommaGee Thu 09-Feb-17 01:16:16

I'm just angry that they are being disrespectful when I've done so much for them alas welcome to tween/teenagers.

Does DP want alone time with them? Why can't they dp the usual then him take th out for a few hours? And agree with you about taking them out like you used to for a few hours - I'll be good for all of you and DP can get some alone baby time

wingingitmomma Thu 09-Feb-17 01:21:03

Omg leave this woman alone! What's wrong with some of the woman on here every little comment gets twisted!! Hun ban the little brats from your house if they are upsetting you and your baby or go round and taco punch their mum for poisoning their minds! Ignore the bitches on here! Geez I've never known a bunch like it!

minieggmad Thu 09-Feb-17 01:24:19

I'm not TELLING them they HAVE to I'm trying to suggest a solution I felt it would help them have some father daughter time and give me some breathing space. Perhaps he could have a chat with them see what the issue is. I would never say they can't come here any more it was meant more of a why don't you take them to your mums for a weekend or two and have some precious time with them see what's wrong and give me chance to calm down about it.
Anyway I'm asking for advice not criticism here and for people to scrutinise me I was having a rant in my original post and I said exactly how I felt. Any helpful advise is much appreciated I'm in horrible situation and feeling bad about I obviously care about them otherwise I wouldn't be asking for advice. I think you are focusing too much on a few cross words I wrote rather than the bigger picture here. Our family unit is falling apart, the kids are rude and my partner doesn't want to do anything about it.

minieggmad Thu 09-Feb-17 01:30:18

Thank you! I just wrote a massive long post saying about people criticising me when all I asked for was advice! But for some reason it's not showing up took me ages to write as well

minieggmad Thu 09-Feb-17 01:34:17

I've only been on here since yesterday at first I thought it would really help, being a first time mum with a fussy baby and not really anyone to talk to for advise. I thought I could get some good advice off other people but I'm realising it's just a chance for people to bitch at other people not helpful in slightest just makes me feel worsesad

MommaGee Thu 09-Feb-17 01:34:53

Tbf Minie your original post did sound like you wanted tp ban them from the house
Obviously you've elaborated now and have agrees that isn't what you want.
However outside of that point most comments have been constructive except wingingit

Obviously you're protective and hormonal but Narky is right. You need tp resolve the issues with DP. He needs tp discipline the same as before DS arrived or has he always been a Disney Dad? They need time with you and DS to bond as a family bit visits to somewhere not baby friendly with dad or you would also help.
You just need tp step back and remember you chose to have these girls too, they will come to like and love their brother over time and you and DP need to be united.

Please take no advice from wingingit who is seemingly trying to break up your family

MommaGee Thu 09-Feb-17 01:37:24

wingingit it is THEIR house and THEIR child. OP chose to take on a guy with Twp children who on their minds at least are being pushed out for a new baby
They're not brats they're kids and I'm sure getting in to a physical altercation with their mom with REALLY help!!

wingingitmomma Thu 09-Feb-17 01:37:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MommaGee Thu 09-Feb-17 01:40:49

ban the little brats from your house if they are upsetting you and your baby
Yes please do force DP to pick between his children and reinforce the notion that it is YOUR child and YOUR home to do with as you please!!

or go round and taco punch their mum for poisoning their minds
Yea because what will help in this situation is a total breakdown of the relationship between you and the girls, possibly DP and Ex or you and Ex. And that's without the police report

wingingitmomma Thu 09-Feb-17 01:42:18

So what's your point?

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