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Would you move closer to DSC in these circs?

(19 Posts)
sadandanxious Mon 06-Feb-17 11:55:33

Hi all,

We've been having a bit of a rough ride re contact with 5 year old DSD at the moment. DP has finally managed to get Ex to agree to every other weekend but she's stopped midweek contact.

We live a 20 min drive from ExW (and from DSD's school) and she used to say drop DSD off at 8 pm on a weekday. She wouldn't allow overnight and drop off at school and if DP tried dropping DSD off earlier as she's exhausted he would be accused of being selfish and she would purposefully go out until just before 8 so there wasn't that option.

So now because DP refused to let her switch back to every saturday morning to sunday morning, she's stopped midweek contact. She says DSD is too exhausted (which is true) and so she's not doing it any more.

Anyway, we're renting at the moment and our contract is due to end next month. We have three options really; move closer to DSD, stay in the area we're currently in, or move to a different, nicer area.

DP thinks by moving closer to DSD / ExW she (or the mediator / court if it gets to that stage) is more likely to allow him to drop off DSD at school and therefore be allowed midweek contact. However, I really dislike the area. It's very rough, run down, absolutely nothing there, high crime rates, high unemployment rates etc. Also DP is worried contact would become more ad hoc as and when exw decides she wants to go out and / or she'd just randomly pop in.

Staying in the current area is definitely an option but personally I'd rather move to a different area. Our current area is lovely, is a 5 min commute to work but has no parks and all of the houses are quite small and we're already outgrowing our current house. We've found a fantasic house in a new area just down the road. There are several parks nearby, lots to do and still only a 10 min commute to work. The house is bigger and I just generally get a good feeling about it. However it puts us even further away from DSD and is a 25 min drive.

So... What would you do? Would you move closer to ex in the hope more contact would be granted or would you move to a really lovely area but slightly further away? I feel so torn as does DP and we need to make a decision in the next couple of weeks.

pinkish Mon 06-Feb-17 12:04:06

I'd do what works for you. It's not that much further and it's nicer. Definitely would not move into a crappy area

sadandanxious Mon 06-Feb-17 12:10:25

Thank you pinkish that's reassuring.

My other thoughts are that one day DP and I would like DC together and I definitely do not want my children being brought up in that area. The new area is so much better and has much better schools.

But then I feel a little bit selfish...

RaisinsAndApple Mon 06-Feb-17 12:13:36

25mins is very close, I don't think that being closer will make midweek contact any more likely - it would be perfectly feasible to do an overnight and school drop off from that distance. If his ex is using distance as a reason for it not to happen then she will likely find a different excuse if you were closer. Sounds like the nicer area would be better for dsd to spend weekends in anyway.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 06-Feb-17 12:14:15

I'd opt for the nicer area, it will be nicer for dsd.

Do you not have a formal court order regarding contact? I think your dp should go to court and get one. At least then if his ex then refuses contact you have something to support you.

Bythebeach Mon 06-Feb-17 12:18:58

These are all really small distances so I don't think your preferred move is unreasonable. As long as the 25 min distance would still mean DSD can be dropped at school and your DH still get to work --can he coordinate that somehow? - so midweek visits are feasible.

There is a massive difference between being doing the everyday and just being there every other weekend and if he wants to be a properly involved father, which it sounds like he does, then all credit to him.

If the 25 mins is just a bit too far, I guess you'll have to accept his decision as ultimately, he is absolutely right to put his daughter first in this situation (no other kids to consider etc).

Slimmingsnake Mon 06-Feb-17 12:29:41

Dsd mum may well move in the have no gauruntee she will stay in same area even if you move house sounds move there

sadandanxious Mon 06-Feb-17 13:27:52

Thank you all. No formal court order but DP is currently in the process of pushing for mediation etc. It's very possible for DP to drop off DSD at school even when 25 mins away and still get to work - work are pretty flexible especially if it's only once or twice a week.

Chasingsquirrels Mon 06-Feb-17 15:55:30

25 mins is fine if you both drive or there is easily accessible & frequent public transport.
ExH and I are about 30 mins apart - in villages NE & SE of local city. Our children overnight with him once a week - he collects from and drops to school (he used to collect from me about 5.30pm but DS2 was v v clingy and we moved to school pickup to avoid the issue of DS2 having to leave me) and for 24hrs at the weekend (either fri/sat or sat/sun on rotation).

If I was your DP I'd be pushing for midweek overnight. Can your DP also do school pickup if he gets a midweek overnight?

sadandanxious Mon 06-Feb-17 16:00:38

We all drive so 25 mins is nothing but ExW doesn't like doing any of the driving re drop offs and pick ups.

That seems like it makes sense for you to do school pick up and sounds like it's best for your DS. I'm not sure re school pick up in the week, I think it's more likely he'd have to pick up from ExW's after work which would then mean DSD is only with is for about 1 hour / 1 and a half hours before bedtime.

swingofthings Mon 06-Feb-17 16:05:22

Is it 25 minutes when all goes well or 25 minutes at worse?

My ex is 30 mns away and that is ok. Anything more would be more problematic. I wouldn't agree to mid week visits though until they were in their teens as indeed, it is too tiring and confusing when they are younger and I don't think it benefits them at all. When separation occurs when they are young, they don't really know any different so it is unusual for them to miss the other parent if they get to see them every week-end.

FlyWaxSleepRepeat Mon 06-Feb-17 16:06:45

If the ex is being an unreasonable arse while you live 20 minutes away, she'll continue to be an unreasonable arse if you live right around the corner - she'll just find a different 'thing' to be an arse about.

The only difference will be, you'll be having to put up with her being an arse whilst living in a crappy area.

sadandanxious Mon 06-Feb-17 16:07:45

swing it's 25 mins at the worst. DSD is struggling a lot with only seeing her dad every other weekend. She used to see him 3 evenings a week and every weekend so going to just seeing him every other weekend is difficult. The cutting down of contact was all ExW's doing and not what DP wanted at all - hence the now taking it to mediation.

sadandanxious Mon 06-Feb-17 16:07:56

swing it's 25 mins at the worst. DSD is struggling a lot with only seeing her dad every other weekend. She used to see him 3 evenings a week and every weekend so going to just seeing him every other weekend is difficult. The cutting down of contact was all ExW's doing and not what DP wanted at all - hence the now taking it to mediation.

sadandanxious Mon 06-Feb-17 16:08:22

Crosspost with fly Yes! That's exactly how I feel!

Chasingsquirrels Mon 06-Feb-17 16:12:13

I honestly think if he wants mid week contact then he has to facilitate that, and to be responsible for after / before school care on those days, although this isn't what you are asking about on this thread.

Her mother may be happy with the arrangements, but I do feel it can be very unfair for the NRP to just collect at a time that suits them.

It works in some circumstances, we did similar for a few years, but I did feel increasingly put upon by it. I had to make sure I was home from work, or sorted childcare if I couldn't be, just to cover those couple of hours.

Our current arrangements did come about because DS2 at that time (5yo) was very clingy, but that was about 6 years ago and it isn't a factor any more.
But I do feel that it is good for them to see their dad doing these normal things with/for them. That time is for our children to spend with their dad and it is down to him to facilitate arrangements.
On his overnights my ex (or his partner) collect our children from school, take them to their swimming lesson, have a proper evening with them, then sort the mornings and drop them to school.

swingofthings Mon 06-Feb-17 16:31:36

swing it's 25 mins at the worst. DSD is struggling a lot with only seeing her dad every other weekend
I'm confused. So he had contact every week-end, he asked for this to be changed for a visit in the week instead, but now ex says no to the week visit but offers every week-end again and your OH says no? Surely every week-end is the best for the child? Why does this suit him?

sadandanxious Mon 06-Feb-17 18:20:53

I think there may be some miscommunication here swing

When they first separated he saw her three evenings per week plus every saturday. Ex then changed it to one night a week and every saturday. Then it got changed by ex to every Saturday morning to sunday morning plus one evening in the week but with constant changes to suit her social life, then she changed it Friday night to sunday night every other weekend plus one evening in the week. Then she decided she wanted to go back to every saturday morning to sunday morning because she wanted to meet a friend every saturday. DP refused to change it again as they'd all settled into a routine and it was being messed around so much prior to every other weekend and he was fed up of it as constant changes and lack of routine was bad for DSD. But because he refused to switch back she stopped midweek contact.

Anyway, totally off topic to my post. I guess the general consensus is to move to the nicer area which relieves my fears and anxieties a little bit. Thank you all smile

SciFiG33k Tue 07-Feb-17 05:56:54

We live 25minutes away from DSD who is also 5 school at best. Could take an hour if traffic was at its very very worst. We still have her two week nights overnight one week and then thursday to Sunday the other week. DH picks her up and drops her off no problem.

Move to the nicer area. As previous posters have said its not about where your living she will just find a new excuse to make things difficult.

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