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Am I going crazy?

(22 Posts)
jujo01 Mon 06-Feb-17 09:41:14

Hi Ladies, hoping you can help to sort me out with either straight talk or valium.
DSS aged 21 has lived with us for 2 and a half years now. He came to us in a bit of a mess - self-harming, working long unsociable hours in the restaurant trade. DH took him out of his job and I managed to get him an apprenticeship at the company where I worked. He's in his final year of it, due to end in September-ish. He is paid a bit more than basic wage, probably brings home £1200/month. Runs own car and phone.
DH is ecstatic to have him. He's a typical Disney Dad - every time we saw him as a child, it was down to Toys R Us for something new, even though I disagreed with it (and said so). DH has massive guilt from leaving. We have been together for 18 years.
So - DSS has been to see counsellor etc, but chose not to continue. Seems in a much better place. Has his own little palace upstairs - high speed broadband, Sky Tv, own bathroom etc etc. Workshop and gym in the garage. All at our cost. He pays £200 pm rent (which has only just increased from £120, and caused massive rows between me and DH). DH still in the habit of taking him out and paying for everything, another battle we constantly have. DH also seems to think he should come with us whenever we go out, again I have had to put foot down with a firm hand.
The issue now is that I am SICK of him in my house. He does own washing and gets his own dinner. But I am fed up of him constantly failing to clean up after himself, both in his bedroom, the kitchen and bathroom. He has had to be asked on (at least) a monthly basis to clean up after himself. I leave the conversation to Dad, as I might 'upset him', poor little thing. I think my main problem is that I can't see an end to this. Apparently, when he completes the apprenticeship, he will 'look' for his own place. But it's all so woolly. I just don't think I can bear to think of him still with us in 6-12 months. In common with some other posters, I now just can't stand being near him, can barely bring myself to speak to him and just want him to go and live his own life. I guess I'm probably being unreasonable, but I can't stop feeling like this. I keep trying and descending back into this black rage, nattering on at DH about him all the time. The only solution I can think of is to move out until he is gone, because that might motivate DH to proactively manage him to move on. Any suggestions?

OneWithTheForce Mon 06-Feb-17 09:46:15

How bad is the mess he isn't cleaning up? Do you think you would feel the same way (considering moving out/not able to be near or speak to him) if it was your DH behaving that way? Is it really so bad that 6 months would be unbearable?

In your shoes I would be insisting on the September deadline for him moving out. But your DH needs to be on board.

MommaGee Mon 06-Feb-17 09:53:03

Do you have DC of your own OP? Hpw would you feel if it was your child loving with you? Or your child living with their Dad and StepM who felt like you did? Do you like him as a person?

Sounds like you all need to sit down calmly and talk about his contribution.
Unless the high speed broadband and sky is part of your package, he needs to pay for it himself. He's got £1000 to spend on car and entertainment!
Do you do cooking and washing for him? He needs to contribute
If he has his own bedroom and bathroom out the way I wouldn't even go near but would dump his dirty stuff in there.

Re moving out I don't see how you can won that discussion before September else it may be used to derail the apprenticeship so you need to talk and compromise on how to survive

Thepurplehen Mon 06-Feb-17 09:55:44

To be honest, he doesn't sound that bad. He works, pays his way, I don't think £200 is unfair, runs his own car, cooks, does his own washing.

He has to be reminded once a month to clear up after himself? That's not a deal breaker, in my opinion,

I think you simply resent him being there? I think this is maybe more about your feelings than his behaviour. You do need time away from him and do need to feel your dp is on side and supportive towards your relationship and not just his relationship with his son.

jujo01 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:00:10

I have an adult son. He lived with us for a time, DH hated it and him, and finally drove him out. They get on fine now. SS is a genuine but weak person (easily led), but because he repeatedly has to be reminded of things which seem so simple, it frustrates me hugely. Because that says to me he doesn't care - and because I am houseproud, I feel that I shouldn't have to compromise my standards. He doesn't actually have to do much, we have a cleaner. Just leave the toilet and kitchen clean for the next person. The toilet is so gross that I won't go into his bathroom and I feel bad that the cleaner has to.

MommaGee Mon 06-Feb-17 10:06:22

DH hated it and him, and finally drove him out.

That explains the resentment

SS is a genuine but weak person

And that answers whether you like him

jujo01 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:11:25

MommaGee - your reply has made me pause. I can honestly say that SS is a decent guy, there's no actual badness in him. I do feel that he rather sits back and allows Dad to carry him (I know that's human nature, and Dad is at fault). I have got myself all twisted up over this. I don't like myself being like this. BUT I don't seem able to stop it. I go in each night with good intentions, see a mess and flip. I don't look forward to going home. I don't feel like it IS my home, simply a place run for the benefit of SS. This might be illogical and unreasonable, but it's how I FEEL. I am desperate.....

Thepurplehen Mon 06-Feb-17 10:40:13

If your dp drove your own son out of his home, I'm not surprised you're resentful of his son now.

jujo01 Mon 06-Feb-17 11:34:04

Just to clarify. He is reminded at least monthly to clean up after himself, but EVERY time he uses the kitchen and bathroom it's left in a state.

MommaGee Mon 06-Feb-17 12:47:39

Your DH needs to step up. If I had a 12 yo leaving the bathroom and kitchen in a meaa I'd expect him to tody it or face consequences. The samevahould apply to a working adult except you can't ground him!

What does DP think re Ds's messiness?

If he's moving out Septembee January he'll need to go private so will need a deposit and money to get settled - I'd talk to them you're being supportive but also mean business.

You've been together 18 years so since he was 3. Unless you didn't see him at all you're more than just Dads partner living in their house and they both should hear your voice

jujo01 Mon 06-Feb-17 13:24:52

DP thinks I'm being too fussy about the house. (Not that I've changed, I've always been the same.) He always says, oh but, look at what he does do (ie own washing). As if it's a favour.

MommaGee Mon 06-Feb-17 13:32:53

Oh dear sad

swingofthings Mon 06-Feb-17 16:20:25

My DH is also extremely house pride and that is the one thing that gets in a the way of him being able to fully enjoy my children who unfortunately are both naturally messy. I do understand that it is hard to cope with, but one thing I don't understand is why, knowing that it is going to wind him up, he takes it upon himself to open their bedroom doors and get the confirmation of what he expects, ie. their bedrooms are a mess.

I notice that you do the same despite your SS clearly having his own bedroom and bathroom. Why just telling yourself that whilst he's there, it's his place and you have no reason to go there. The cleaner is paid to clean, whether it is deep cleaning or just a brief wipe.

As someone stuck in the middle, I do understand how he feels, but struggle to be patient when he choose to open their bedroom doors.

jujo01 Mon 06-Feb-17 16:51:35

Swingofthings - my SS has not grown up in our house. It is not his 'home' as such, which he still regards as with his mum. My view is that he should treat it with respect and keep it the way we want. He is an adult, not a small child. At 21 he should be able to do that.

RacoonBandit Mon 06-Feb-17 17:31:10

He's lived with you for 2 1/2 years but it's not his home that seems sad to me.

It is clear you resent him and he probably knows it too. None of what you have listed sounds bad tbh. I get the feeling even if he did clean to your standards you would find something else to moan at him for.

I am very [shocked] that you allowed DH to drive your son out of his home.

pinkish Mon 06-Feb-17 17:36:21

I would stop paying for a cleaner to clean his rooms tbh.

Ilovecaindingle Mon 06-Feb-17 17:41:34

Since your dh panders to his bratness /man child behaviour maybe he should be left to clean up after him? And keep the poor cleaner out of his room!! Put yellow hazard tape over the door and leave him to it.

heateallthebuns Mon 06-Feb-17 17:50:06

I wouldn't get the cleaner to do his bathroom. It isn't fair to ask her to do that. Or his room. He should only have the benefit of a cleaner if he has the respect to keep his areas semi clean and tidy so all she has to do is Hoover dust and mop.

The rest doesn't sound too bad to me.

OCD6stepmom888 Tue 07-Feb-17 21:29:18

I don't see any harm in him tidying up after himself, after all he is not a toddler. So many other stepmoms are going through this same issue with adult SC who should be more respectful of the house they live in by doing there bit to clean up after themselves.

I have no solutions to offer but letting you know that you are not alone. I too am considering to move out and into my own house.blush

Wdigin2this Wed 08-Feb-17 10:04:11

I can imagine exactly how you feel. Firstly, you feel your your own DS was driven out, but here's your DSS living with you, and being treated like the child of the house
The only way to deal with this, is to decide how much more you can cope with, and really I have to say he doesn't sound that bad, but I still appreciate exactly where you're coming from! Discuss it as calmly as you can with both of them, put your side of the situation to them then....be prepared to hear theirs! See if you can come up with an amicable solution/time frame, that everyone can live with, but make it clear that there has to be a cut off point somewhere!

gingina Wed 08-Feb-17 22:18:45

If DP ever tried to drive my drive my ds out of our home I would show him the door!!
No wonder you resent him doing that to your Ds then treating DSS like royalty!!!

InTheKitchenAtParties Wed 08-Feb-17 22:27:40

If he pays £200 pm to you, what does he do with the rest of his money? If he's pissing it up the wall while living under your roof I would be so annoyed

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