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How would you be with the mum after all the trouble!?

(16 Posts)
Flippinlife72 Sat 04-Feb-17 15:07:03

I'm just wondering how you guys would be with the bio mum after all the trouble she caused, as obviously no matter what she is still their mum!?

So dp and I have been together 4years and now lived together a year and a half. I moved towns to be with my dp and my dcs changed schools. My ds goes to the same school and in the same year as one of my dsd. So I had to see their mum when she picked her dd up from school. They have a 50/50 share residency so I see her wed thurs and sometimes fri at school.

At first it was a little awkward I guess seeing his ex at the school gate but I just said hi if saw each other but nothing more. One day she sent my dp a text to say tell me ( or bo selector she called me) to stop being so rude at the school car park and looking at her weirdly. I was a little taken back as I had no idea what she was talking about dp and her had a bit of a row I felt even more awkward at the school car park but the following day she did apologise and then started to go on about my dp to me how he was this and that, I just smiled and said look I have no problem with u at all and don't want any trouble, so that was that. Then After a few more weeks her dd was ill came home from school mum went to our house to pick her up, the following night we found 'fuck u' notes in my own dds room, we didn't think it was her straight away but it seems it was the mum that did this my dd and my older dsd weren't getting in at the time. I did blame her at first but it wasn't long before we put 2 and 2 together. I was fuming but I didn't do or say anything at the time. Things plodded on, then we started to get abusive texts from her, slagging my dp off but also saying the girls hated me I was too over bearing, they've never liked me, I never do the washing, the house is always filthy, and they want to live with her. Her oldest dd at that point started to be quite rude to me and was causing trouble in the house but I knew why. Then a few days later in the school car park this odd woman approached me and started having a go at me calling me a bitch, saying the girls hated me, my dp was only using me he doesn't love me, I will see etc. I told her very strongly to back off and I didn't want anything to do with her nor did I want an argument with her and wound my car window up, as I drove out the school car park she walked in front of my car almost trying to stop me from leaving so I beeped and she punched the window. She then followed me home but I didn't want any arguing so I got my son in and didn't answer the door to her, just called my dp upset. Then I had the police on the door saying she accused me of running her over. It came to nothing as the police checked the cctv, but of course she told her dcs I did and they believed her. Then not long after that I received abusive texts from her again and one from her dd telling me how much she didn't like me but it was written how an adult would write, we found out through this woman's sister that it was infact the mum that wrote this and how she had told her she was going to split us up as she didn't want dp to be happy, she told us she was doing drugs and her life was spiralling out of control!
I remember seeing a text to my dp saying her version of what happened in the car park which was completely different to what actually happened apparently I swore at her and then ran her over. I did try and explain this to the children who at this point hated me, but they obviously don't want to hear anything negative about their own mum so I just had to carry on and hope they would grow to like me again as before all this. There was a court day and a bit more trouble but things settled down but I will never trust her. We don't really speak now we tend to ignore each other but if she did say hello I would probably just say hello back.

She is now running away from debt and people after her and getting another divorce after robbing his family fallen out with all her friends, staying in hotels cos too scared to go home with the kids. She is running away and moving in our town a mile down the road! Oh no, I'm just worrying about bumping into her more, seeing when I'm out. She is such a trouble maker I just don't want anything to do with her. I don't say anything at all about her to the kids obviously but then should I really be polite and courteous to her for the kids sake. I'd rather completely ignore her but if our paths cross more and more what is the best thing to do?

FriendofBill Sat 04-Feb-17 15:20:11

The man you are with picked her to have children with.
You then picked him.
personally I wouldn't move my children from their schools to live with a boyfriend elsewhere and introduce them to all this shit and the same school as his DC.
That might be painful for the child.
Their father living as a father to another child.
Now attending their school.
And their mum seems fragile and toxic.
Poor child/ren.

I think you've done a good job so far, I would just continue to be polite & brief and have as little to do with it as possible.

Anything physical/threatening call the police but otherwise take no notice, it will just be a drain on your energy.

Flippinlife72 Sat 04-Feb-17 17:24:09

Just dreading bumping into her, but you know what can I do about it. My mum in law did the other day, she hates her but also felt she had to at least say hello but she felt out of sorts the rest of the day , this is the effect she has on people I've never met anyone like her .

FriendofBill Sat 04-Feb-17 18:12:43

Just acknowledge her 'hi' 'hello' or whatever you say and pass by.
Don't ask open questions.
Be brief.

On another note.
So, you discussed her with MIL who also hates her (you had a conversation that you both hate the mother of your grandchild/step daughter)
That is toxic too.
Do you think DSD does not pick up on that?
I think you have to acknowledge that you may have contributed to the problem.

What if that was your DD and other family members were talking about their hatred for you?

Flippinlife72 Sat 04-Feb-17 18:38:00

Well after the things she does and has done even before I was around yes people do hate her I'm afraid, no one says anything in front of the children but she has crossed a lot of people. She's abandoned the children many times too. No one can help the way they feel about her but I can promise u it's not discussed in front of the kids ever!

Flippinlife72 Sat 04-Feb-17 18:45:17

And btw you can say what if my dd and family talked about me, maybe they do but I don't think so, but I haven't done anything so toxic so why would they. I'm afraid when someone has caused so much trouble and upset you can't help how u feel, but I agree the children should never know! It's their mum no matter what she has done which I said in my original post!!

pieceofpurplesky Sat 04-Feb-17 18:49:05

Your DC should never have gone to the same school as her DC. That was the error.

Ellapaella Sat 04-Feb-17 19:11:54

Yes I would be pretty fucked off if my ex's new partners kids came to the same school as mine. It was pretty tactless of you and your partner to be honest. It would have been better for your children to attend a different school if possible but it's done now so you just have to get on with it. Sounds like the best you can do is just remain as civil as possible and try to avoid ever getting personal with her. It will eventually blow over in time, I think she probably feels humiliated which doesn't excuse her behaviour but generally people tend to only behave badly if they have been hurt emotionally and aren't mature enough to deal with their feelings in an adult way - I'd try and bear that in mind. I don't really see what else you can do - you certainly shouldn't stoke the fires by also reacting aggressively or emotionally.

ZombieApocalips Sat 04-Feb-17 19:16:55

Move your kids' school. I can't believe that you picked the same one as the stepchildren (poor kids) . Moving will mean less drama for everyone so a win-win situation all around.

littlehandcuffs Sat 04-Feb-17 19:37:07

Bio-mum!? ffs! I assume you refer to the father of your children as "sperm doner"!? too...?

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot Sat 04-Feb-17 19:45:01

Bio mum is definitely the wrong term.

She is their mother, just as your DP is their father, and they live with both.

More tact and forebearance all round will help. Putting your DC into that school was probably a mistake, but there isn't much you can do about it now (short of changing your DC's school) other than learn to control your dread, find ways of moving through the school that minimise the likelihood of your running in to her, do not talk to her, and just as importantly, do not talk about her to the local community (at all, ever)

Flippinlife72 Sat 04-Feb-17 19:49:30

Oh I think I'll just leave this thread now, it might seem it was the wrong decision but there are other factors, like when I first came my dp pretty much had the kids all the time, it is right next to our house whereas she lives 20 miles away, she doesn't know anyone at the school never went to parent evenings etc. My ds knew people there and walks with our neighbour. Plus our other 2 go to 2 different schools (secondary) so it made the school run impossible for me. It wasn't a decision we took lightly but I do understand what u mean, but I still don't think I deserved all this, plus it was a good job I did as my dad has been dieing of cancer this year and I've had to fly up the motorway and not been around for school runs so my dp has had to come out of work to do it. I'm a bit of a delicate state ATM due to my dad dieing and don't think I can take this so I think I will leave it there thanks

Flippinlife72 Sat 04-Feb-17 20:42:26

And just to say, it's also worked in her favour too being at the same school as there as been many many times she hasn't been able to make picking up her dd so she has asked me to which I have done many occasions. There is more to it than it first seems.

FriendofBill Sat 04-Feb-17 20:58:36

You have posted and asked for advice.
We have given it.

I think you would get along a lot better with her if you acknowledged that you have contributed to the problem.

If she was here asking for advice, we may say something similar, but she is not, you are!
Take it on board.

How do you think her DC feels?
Really?

Flippinlife72 Sat 04-Feb-17 21:44:11

But I came on here for support for myself, both her dcs are messed up yes and I feel for them but they were messed up before I came along and I honestly believe they have more stability with us. I have taken them on as my own, I am the one who is there for them the majority of the time as well as for my own, as well as for my dp as well as running my own business. I really did sympathise with their mum and I tried to be friendly. She on the other hand is there for them sometimes when it suits her, causes trouble tells her dcs she's picking them up then tells me or my dp she can't make it or just doesn't turn up, so I pick them up (from 3 different schools) and yes they are disappointed to see me they want their mum not me! Then I do all their homework with them feed them etc maybe take them out to cheer them up buy them stuff or tea out, (all 4 of them) and their mum may decide to pick them up the next day if she Gets time. Then I will get a text from their mum saying they don't like me for some reason, then I feel upset. I NEVER say anything bad to them about their mum or at the school. I have other mums saying things to me about her but I just say well I'd rather not get into it, but yes I do regret getting into any arguments with her it must be awful for the dcs thinking we all hate each other i'm well aware of that but I say nothing but positive things about their mum if I can't say anything positive I say nothing ! I'm the step mum, I'm a nothing really to them and how do u think it is for my dcs knowing their mum hates me. I do just feel like leaving, things were easier as a single mum with my own house my own children. I don't regret changing their schools as they were rubbish schools! I can't ever tell dps dcs off cos they will tell their mum and then we get abuse. So basically I shut up and put up but that's being a step parent isn't it! I have no issues with my ex other than he does as little as possible but my dcs love him and they seem happy with their life mine are pretty secure kids and happy.
TBH my son who goes to the same school as dsd can start walking home now on the days the mum picks her dd up that's better for everyone really. I'm really not that bad and I don't think I deserve any of the abuse I get. I'm trying my best to please everyone I really am. I think when your living it it's worse ,you don't always do the right thing I'm not perfect 😞

swingofthings Sun 05-Feb-17 11:16:47

I sounds from your posts that there is a lot of 'he said she said' and there is always danger in listening to other people, making assumptions on suspicions, getting other people involved that this will lead to serious conflict. This seems to be going on on both sides, even if started by herself.

You say things are getting a bit better so go with that. Don't get involved in any matters, leave your OH to deal with any communication with her. Work on rebuilding your relationship with your SCs. Things can get better, they really can, but it might take some time to undo what happened.

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