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Stepson in our room on Wedding Night?

(37 Posts)
baloo1973 Thu 02-Feb-17 20:09:41

OK, I am probably as far removed from Bridezilla as you can get......me and our OH are having a very small wedding later this year. Everything is low key - doing my own hair and make-up, dress under £100, doing flowers myself, etc, etc.
Initially my OH's son (aged 9) said point blank that he would not attend the wedding. He has now changed his mind, which is fantastic. Because of this we have had to alter our "mini-moon" plans, again, not an issue at all.
Unfortunately, my MIL (to be!) has been unwell and we are unsure if the plans of him staying in a room (one night) with his grandparent's is fair to them. I therefore asked my OH if he has a contingency plan. My stepson's 20 year old brother will be going, as will my OH's brother and wife - his aunty and uncle.
My OH has declared that he will stay in our room on our wedding night. I calmly, and I think reasonably, said that I was not happy with this arrangement. We very rarely argue about anything but he went off the deep end stating that I was being really unreasonable.
I am now second guessing myself....am I being a wicked stepmother and a nasty wife-to-be by not wanting to spoil our wedding night with having my step son in the room with us??

Optimist1 Thu 02-Feb-17 20:21:28

You could express surprise at your OH's willingness for his son to witness the Wedding Night Shenanigans you have planned for him and see if that makes him engage his brain! wink

Hassled Thu 02-Feb-17 20:27:27

If your husband-to-be is too thick to realise how weird this is from your point of view, would it help to spin it round to the DSS's point of view? If he's only just decided to attend the wedding, I take it relations haven't been great and there's been a degree of awkwardness. So I can't imagine the boy is going to want this any more than you are. Your fiancee isn't actually thinking about either of your needs - but you may get further stressing how unfair and embarrassing it's going to be for a 9 year old boy who's a fairly reluctant attendee in any case.

booksandcoffee Thu 02-Feb-17 20:33:14

Sounds like your fiancee feels stuck for a solution andcan'the think of a better plan. Can't you arrange a sleepover at a friend of your stepson to be?

WallisFrizz Thu 02-Feb-17 20:36:09

I don't think yabu. However, if you've lived together prior to the wedding, I don't think the wedding night is that big of a deal. We were shattered drunk on our wedding night, we just happily reflected on the day and slept. The "fun" was had on our honeymoon night way without DS.

I don't think you're wrong but it doesn't have to be such a problem.

MrsPringles Thu 02-Feb-17 20:38:06

YANBU
That's weird. Definitely weird.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 02-Feb-17 20:41:28

Is there a handsome best man perhaps you could bunk in with instead? wink

baloo1973 Thu 02-Feb-17 20:42:21

Thanks for the replies. The sleepover is a great idea, but unfortunately not practical as the wedding is not near where we live.
My OH has a very little comms with his ex as she is a bit bonkers and yes Hassled, you are correct in stating that relations with his son and his ex have been very awkward. We had a year of not seeing him at all because she threw her dummy out of the pram! So he is always treading on eggshells and bending over backwards to try and keep things smooth with plans with his son.
This has really upset me, we haven't spoken for hours - something that's never happened in the past.

Backt0Black Thu 02-Feb-17 20:42:38

God no, youre not BU here.

DH (to be) is being a bit lazy in not finding a solution. Also - should he not be looking forward to wedding night with his new bride too?

Yep kids do take priority, but seriously, this is ONE night, and its your bloody wedding!!!!

baloo1973 Thu 02-Feb-17 20:43:43

ProphetOfDoom
PMSL!!!!!!

Mamamc123 Fri 03-Feb-17 06:30:34

What the actual f*ck?!
No you are NOT being unreasonable at all!
I think it's perfectly normal to want your husband to yourself on your wedding night!!! Seriously what is you DP thinking?! It's your wedding night and whether you're planning to go all "50 shades of Grey" or just snuggle up and go to sleep it should be a lovely private time for just you and your new husband.
I also agree the SS will not want to be in the room I guarantee it.
How incredibly awkward for you both.
Tell DP point blank you're the bride and you would like your husband to yourself on your own bloody wedding night! This shouldn't even be up for discussion xx
Ps: Good luck and congratulations

baloo1973 Fri 03-Feb-17 09:08:49

Well, thanks all for your comments (and wishes of good luck!). TBH, I know that I'm not being unreasonable, but it's always good to get some reinforcement from objective parties!!
My fiance has agreed that we need to have a contingency plan for if my stepson's grandparents are not well enough on the night.
I think that this was the final straw for the both of us during stressful times - wedding, moving house, ill health, job troubles, etc, etc!
I am so looking forward to our wedding. It's a second chance for the both of us and despite the impression that you probably have of him from my post, my fiance is the most caring, loving and wonderful man.
Our wedding is a really small affair, I really do not know how people cope with arranging large ones!!
Thanks for all of your comments and ideas. X

BigSandyBalls2015 Fri 03-Feb-17 09:14:15

Where's the 20 year old brother spending the night? Can't the 9 year old sleep in his hotel room with him?

Aderyn2016 Fri 03-Feb-17 09:31:59

Your fiance needs to realise that this is your wedding and it is special, not just some other day. Just because you are having a low key wedding, it doesn't mean it is less important. I think you are entirely reasonable to expect your fiance to prioritise your wishes and to treat you as the important person that you are.
You are not excluding his children, but saying very reasonably that you want your wedding night to be alone with your new husband. If he cannot see that, then however lovely he might be, you shouldn't be marrying him.
Obviously his children's wellbeing will always be his first consideration (as it should be) but if there is no room for your feelings too, then he is no position to be getting married.

Bluntness100 Fri 03-Feb-17 09:38:44

Is there no other solution, no one else's room he could stay in who could be responsible for him?

As much as I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I do think if the alternate is the child can't attend the wedding, then I think you need to go with it, as it would be very damaging if he was univited for this.

So I guess I'd think of it from a different angle. What are the alternates. Is there another accommodation option, if not what does it mean, does it mean the child can't attend, and if this is the case, then would you prefer he didn't attend than spend the night in your room? If so, how will this impact on your future husband and his relationship with his son? And for that matter their relationship with you. Then decide.

Isadora2007 Fri 03-Feb-17 09:43:53

Could he stay with his brother for the night or could you ask auntie and uncle if he could sleep in with them?
It is quite odd that your df is even suggesting it... and I say this as someone whose 9/10 year old regularly slept on the floor in our room. But even I drew the line at my wedding night (she was 7 then but definitely packed off to Nanas)

Spring2016 Fri 03-Feb-17 10:09:49

It isn't ideal...there must be some other responsible person he could stay with that night. You could offer to pay for their room in return for doing this favour. If you do say yes, if really ^in a pinch" you'll give up that night, then book another night away, don't put it off, for a weekend when the boy is at his other home.
How late would the boy be up, would he need to go to sleep at a certain time? Do you know anybody that you could hire even? A wedding guest until his bedtime, then they retire to a room that you guys pay for until the next day?
I hope your mil to be will get better soon. Good luck.

Wdigin2this Fri 03-Feb-17 11:51:54

What a peculiar idea! Could you just hint that, the little ensemble you'd planned to surprise him with on the wedding night....might not be suitable for a 9 year old's eyes??!

ChipmunkSundays Sun 05-Feb-17 21:17:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lelloteddy Sun 05-Feb-17 22:35:22

I think it's a great way to ensure that your husbands son, who has obviously had, and may continue to have, issues with the upcoming wedding really feeling included and a huge part of it. Presumably you're not a blushing virginal bride and assuming that this little boy isn't resident with you full time, I think it's perfectly reasonable of your husband to assume that he'll be the one looking after his son on what may be an emotional and difficult day for him.
You can easily recreate a 'wedding night' in a hotel as soon as he goes home again.

howtodowills Mon 06-Feb-17 15:23:51

This is ridiculous.
YANBU.
It's your wedding night!

Have you spoken about it since?

xStefx Mon 06-Feb-17 15:29:21

Why cant he can stay with his 20 yr old brother?

mrsaxlerose Tue 07-Feb-17 14:10:11

In the lead up to our wedding day my DH announced that my DSS did not like the food we were serving and he was going to leave the wedding reception to walk to the nearest MacDonald's to queue up and get his son a cheeseburger and fries which he would bring back and serve at the top table where he was sitting. A not so quiet word in his ear was in order and a compromise was reached. A plate of chips was served to him (I drew the line at a bottle of ketchup on the table). Perhaps you could reach a compromise with your hubby to be. perhaps see if the hotel has a room with a connecting door where he is close enough but not in the same room as you. If not is it worth spoiling the day? You will properly be to knackered on the night of the wedding to get up to anything anyway

Petal02 Wed 08-Feb-17 13:47:41

I think it’s a great way to ensure that your husband’s son, who has obviously had, and may continue to have, issues with the upcoming wedding, really feeling included and a huge part of it

WTF??? So you can only feel included in a wedding if you share the bridal suite with the bride and groom on their wedding night? Only on Planet Step Family would this ridiculous idea be entertained.

Lelloteddy – is there any chance you’re a bitter ex-wife, who would find it hilarious to put a spanner in your ex’s wedding by suggesting your son will feel excluded/damaged/traumatised unless he sleeps in the same room as his Dad on the wedding night?

Lelloteddy Wed 08-Feb-17 19:19:04

Petal the irony of YOU labelling anyone else as bitter is beyond hilarious wink grin

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