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Lax DH

(10 Posts)
MadamMooMoo Mon 30-Jan-17 12:47:57

Dh said he wants me to help parent his son when here which is finw. We make rules and boundaries togethet and everytime dss doesn't stick to it dh laughs it off, doesn't back me up.

Been arguing 2 years over this. I said it's clear he wants to pick himself for his own son and that is fine so I won't get involved and he sulks E when I say this.

This weekend as eg. Bedtime is 8pm with 30 min reading on tablet. won't go, dh Dssdhn't remind him so usually 9:30 before he's in then he sits on his tablet until 11.

Another argument me saying do what you want and leave me out of it so in the end we agreeedT 9pm bedtime no tablet.Then within a day dh says "well dss says he needs it to relax in bed and his mum lets him I'll ask her"

Really pissed off. I am happy to leave his son to him but sick of him telling me to be a step mmum and treat him the same as pur own then ignoring my input completely.

I never get asked about anything to do with his son but I am expected to deal with the consequences of it because "we come as a package". Dss is clingy of me atm and wants me to wake him every morning too.

Dh really pisses me off with his chilled out attitude. 9 year old doesn't need tablet until 11, it doesnt help him sleep it keeps him awake!

Lala1980 Tue 31-Jan-17 08:18:09

Totally feel your pain. My dp wants me to "co parent" when it comes to childcare and financial input but not on matters of discipline/behaviour which impacts me the most.
I'm sure we're not alone. Some will tell you to detach, others to leave your husband but I think open communication is the best shot first. Of course pick your moment but explain how it makes you feel etc TALK!!!
I'm sure there is actual research about light from tablets stimulating the brain and to come off half hour before bed Not sure about reading tablets though. Maybe buy him some actual books? Good luck hun x

gingina Tue 31-Jan-17 10:22:29

I'm in the 'detach' camp.
Remove yourself from all matters regarding discipline but let DH deal with the consequences. The phrase "not my circus not my monkeys" comes to mind.
If he is happy to laugh it off when DSS stays up late then he can laugh it off when it keeps him awake or the next day when he's tired or moody.
And yes, talk to him. Tell him its all or nothing, you are either step mum in every way or not at all. The detaching will reinforce this and let him see the consequences for himself.

ImperialBlether Tue 31-Jan-17 10:27:16

Yes but the OP lives with this boy too, so she'll be kept awake and she will have to live with him while he's tired and moody, as will her children.

Personally I wouldn't allow a different set of rules for the children in the house. It's impossible to deal with that, particularly when they hit their teens.

MadamMooMoo Tue 31-Jan-17 11:29:05

He gets pissed off when I say it's clear he wants to choose for himself so I won't interfere. He also wants the same lax discipline for our daughter when she is older as she is a baby now. I have told him things won't work if we can't be a family and in the past have tried to split up and he won't hear it.

I want to detach but stepson won't understand my sudden being distance. His mum hates me and says it's none of my business when it comes to their son at all. She also complains to me in the past about dhh laxnessI said his son needs .consistency. His son doesnt want to leave my side the last two weekends.

MadamMooMoo Tue 31-Jan-17 11:38:28

He has lots of books and we have been talking about this for 18 months and constsntly agree to meet halfway then he ignores. I have told him all or nothing but dhS leaves me out of any decision and expects me to help.So if he or mum arrange something for dh tod take dso I'm expected to make myself available to be with dd on my own or find time of work or cancel plans. I am so unhappy in my marriage. The fact he wants the same for dd means I can't give her the I want to as he won't meet me halfway.

MissHemsworth Tue 31-Jan-17 13:26:21

OP your DH sounds infuriating. He's being selective about what elements of raising his children he takes on. He can avoid discussing it with you by getting arsey, a tactic he has found effective. This is controlling behaviour, is he controlling in any other ways? How is he as a dad generally setting aside his issues with discipline etc is he hands on or does he leave the majority of it up to you?

MadamMooMoo Tue 31-Jan-17 13:38:38

He is hands on when I prompt it "oh he should be doing his homework" dh will only do it when I remind him. He hid some serious stuff in the past and says I should get over his ex bullying mw because it happened so long ago. I want to leave him tbh been so unhappy for months and wd don't spend anytime together.

MadamMooMoo Tue 31-Jan-17 13:53:53

He also lets his son treat house like a hotel which I tidy up and I worry in case dd finds something small eg lego and tries to eat it.

MadamMooMoo Mon 06-Feb-17 13:27:42

Dss came to dh upset as he had spent all his pocket money on games and wants anothet game and dh just went and gave extra money to him. What is the point of pocket money if dh tops up? It doesn't teach anything.

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