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I feel ExW takes the p*ss

(73 Posts)
Mamamc123 Thu 26-Jan-17 19:26:38

I came here to vent as my DSDs have yet again been handed over to my DP with nothing for the weekend!!! DP pays maintenance, as well as half of everything the kids need such as extracurricular activities, bus pass for the older daughter (she's at secondary school), half of all school uniforms and school shoes etc, older daughter gets pocket money and everything they could possibly want both whilst in our care and when at home with their mum.
What's really p*ssing me off is that mum keeps delaying handing over the kids stuff when we have them... she sends them without medication (youngest has eczema), without youngest's comfort blanket, no clothes... not even a pair of pants for the whole weekend!
Now we have bought on multiple occasions duplicate of everything so the girls have clothes, pjs, underwear, shoes etc for our house but they ALWAYS end up back at mum's and we never see them again! They are 7 and 12 so they want to use the nice things we buy them and it's hard to tell a 12 year old she can't wear her favourite new top the next weekend with her mum so inevitably all the things we provide get taken home with them.
Mum doesn't work thurs-fri every week yet when we pick up the girls on a Friday evening their clothes are "never ready" or "mum's not washed them"... "she'll drop them off tomorrow" but every time we either end up chasing her up to Saturday afternoon before we see any items of clothing or we end up nipping out and buying more just so we can take them out for the day.
I personally want to have a stern word with ExW but DP is so soft with her and it's costing us a fortune!!! It's driving me insane!
If it were up to me I would send could he kids back to mum's with what they came with and insist they leave the things we buy them here... but they end up liking their things here and obviously want to use them.
Also ExW and new partner have bought the youngest some toys for Christmas and she's ran the batteries out on them a few times, first time she told her dad on the phone she was upset that she couldn't play with a certain toy and he had some spare batteries in his van so dropped some off to her on her the way home. Batteries have gone again and ExW could be heard in the background telling her to get her dad to buy them again.
The cheek of it! I would never ask my ex to buy batteries for toys I bought our child for use at my house!
She's not hard up by any stretch, she constantly buying designer goods for herself and out with her new partner and friends according to the kids so she can't be struggling financially.
I feel like she's taking us for a ride moneywise and it's irritating!

StepMum2Be Thu 26-Jan-17 19:48:57

I totally understand your situation. My SD has just started her period and unbelievably her mother sent her to ours without any sanitary protection. I use tampons so we didn't have anything she was happy with in the house so a midnight trip (by the time she told us) to the nearest 24 hour supermarket!

When we buy them clothes we get accused of parading them around like ornaments as they're happier in dirty scruffy clothes, this is just an excuse for their mother's hesitance to wash their clothes and encourage them to wash themselves.

Mamamc123 Thu 26-Jan-17 20:12:16

Don't get me started on things like that!
I'm forever cutting their nails (especially toe nails) as mum has never done it... NEVER!!! Eldest said they don't own a pair of clippers because mum gets manicures and pedicures at the beautician so has never bought any for their house??!
Youngest thought at one point her shoes were too small so ExW decided it was down to us to buy (again) but turned out it was just that her toenails were too long!!!
Also most recently eldest got told off for wearing nail varnish to school so asked mum for £1 to buy the cheapest nail varnish remover in the shop, mum refused saying "get your dad to buy it" resulting in a very upset girl because she was told she'd get detention if she went in the next day for school with it on.
DP spoke to ExW and she said "I don't have the money"... she doesn't have a f*cking spare £1?! Are you kidding me??!
Ended up in me buying some and dropping it to DSD as she was genuinely distressed.
I feel like we can't win... we need to make a stand about her taking the p*ss but then I also wouldn't want to leave the girls without what they need angry

throwingpebbles Thu 26-Jan-17 20:25:54

On the medicine stuff - sort your own prescriptions for his meds.

On the other stuff, huge sympathies. It's crappy when stuff all flows one way, and neither DP nor I have found a solution yet. All toys /clothes etc DP buys for his end up at their mums. All stuff I buy for mine end up at their dads. sad

I wish I knew the best way to deal with this

Mamamc123 Thu 26-Jan-17 20:30:57

We have done that with the meds and creams but then mum misplaces or runs out of hers and yet again we end up giving them ours so the girls don't go without what they need. Same goes for calpol, even nit shampoo when they caught them at school. Everything.
I have two kids of my own and don't have these issues with my ExH.
It's so infuriating angry

Dollyparton3 Thu 26-Jan-17 21:07:02

We had this exact same issue around the same age. Despite a pretty generous maintenance payment each month the children used to turn up at ours with not so much as a toothbrush when I met DP, once DSS was even sent on a sub zero night such as tonight with trousers that were swinging halfway around his calves and no coat.

So every weekend DP had been buying clothes, pants, socks etc that never saw the light of his house ever again.

The way we resolved it was to buy them both a cheap overnight case, like the on-plane cases you can get and a wash bag each, and we told them that whatever they wanted to have at ours and mums needed to go in the case when they went between the houses.

They both loved the concept of packing up everything they wanted, I don't think mum could kick up a fuss because each case was theirs and mobile with them, and it meant we didn't have to buy them two new outfits every weekend. AND when they were younger they could bring toys, teddies etc that they were attached to at each home with them.

Now the two of them tend to be pretty good at doing this as standard. We rarely see anything that mum has bought them, but the nice bits we bought them that they favour do make it back to ours. We're not buying them designer gear but DSD has a couple of Hype hoodies and some Zara skinny jeans that he's attached to. The rest is all cheap t-shirts and trannies bottoms. When we bought him trainers at Christmas he refused to take them home because he wanted to keep them at ours "for best"

DSD takes everything she needs as standard, including half of boots as a make up bag and all her undies etc. We've bought them both fluffy towels and dressing gowns to have at ours as their own but PJ's etc are still mobile.

DSS loses pants and socks (they just don't come on his radar to pack) and funnily enough mum never volunteers that she's stockpiling more than she needs at hers. But cheap pants and socks are a marginal cost compared to what we were spending before.

I will say that it doesn't hurt when they are the age to appreciate it to buy them something a smidge more expensive that they'll want to wear EVERYWHERE. Not suggesting for a second that they're decked out in designer gear but I got a Hilfiger T shirt for DSS in a sale and DSD her first pair of Topshop jeans. Both items seem to make it back to ours all the time along with the items that go with them

Dollyparton3 Thu 26-Jan-17 21:14:16

"Trakkie" not trannie!

Mamamc123 Thu 26-Jan-17 21:26:12

That's a good idea about the cases! I may try that! Usually stuff arrives 24-48 hours later screwed up in carrier bags and still wet as mum "hasn't had time to dry" the clothes even though she's had 2 full days at home on her own angry
Jesus I'm raging, it's all bubbled to the surface tonight as we've been talking to the girls on FaceTime and eldest has been upset saying this school term's bus pass is due and mum is saying she can't buy it... even though we've already paid half.
She went away for the weekend last weekend with her friends and stayed in a 5* hotel... I'll be damned if we're paying for the whole bus pass!!!!

OneWithTheForce Thu 26-Jan-17 21:29:18

You need to keep a few sets of clothes and underwear etc at your house. I can't imagine why you haven't worked this out yet. Girls arrive, their clothes go in wash, they put on stuff that is in your house, the stuff that comes out of wash stays in your house for next visit.

OneWithTheForce Thu 26-Jan-17 21:31:58

the children used to turn up at ours with not so much as a toothbrush when I met DP,

Why on earth would they need to bring a toothbrush to their father's house? confused he can't provide a toothbrush?

Mamamc123 Thu 26-Jan-17 21:36:01

Onewiththeforce don't you think we've tried that? Girls are of an age where they do things with their friends after school or the occasional weekend their mum has them and the want to wear the nice things we have bought them. 12 year old in particular is very image conscious and they get upset if we suddenly say "no it stays here", I've even had a chat with the eldest to explain she needs to bring things back - even if they're unwashed so I can wash them for her.
Problem is we pick them up on a Friday after work and they're still in their school uniforms even come 6pm so we can hardly drop them back in their school uniform on a Sunday night, so they end up wearing whatever they have been in at our house to go home in... then we never see it again!

Evergreen777 Thu 26-Jan-17 21:39:53

With the 7 year old you should definitely get away with buying some clothes for her for her to change into, then send her home in whatever she's wearing, put the ones she came in in the wash for next week, etc.

Bit harder with a 12 year old, as she may be fond of certain items and not want to leave them at yours. But then she's also old enough to start taking a bit of responsibility for her own stuff when she comes. I can't believe that everything she owns is in the wash at any one time.

Sympathies though. Is a right pain when they turn up without the stuff they need for a weekend. Mine never bring coats angry

OneWithTheForce Thu 26-Jan-17 21:40:31

Well you have to insist each time that at least one set of everything stays. 12 is old enough to understand why. Give them the choice of what they take home and what stays but one sets stays, no negotiation on that. If she really doesn't like not having all her favourite stuff then she'll pester her mum to have her stuff washed. TBH at 12 she could stick her own stuff and her sister's into the machine on a Thursday evening and hang it to dry.

thebakerwithboobs Thu 26-Jan-17 21:41:07

I'm afraid, regardless of whether you've tried it before or not, I'd be sending them back in pyjamas in the Sunday night and explaining why. No need to be rude about their mum, just say that you buy them lots of clothes for the weekend and they never come back and that you simply can't afford to keep doing it. If they leave their nice clothes at yours then they can have nice clothes to wear at the weekends and if they choose not to then they won't. Parents do seem to be reluctant to say 'we can't afford it' and I never really know why.

Evergreen777 Thu 26-Jan-17 21:41:34

Cross posts, but I think your can send them back in school uniforms on a Sunday if you have to. If they don't like it, then they need to bring a change of clothes with them.

Mamamc123 Thu 26-Jan-17 21:51:11

thebakerwithboobs we tried the pyjama one - and never got any pairs of pjs back so was still an expense confused
Evergreen777 I agree with the sentiment but 12 yr old would definitely kick off about having to put her uniform on for a Sunday evening lol! I also don't want to seem like I'm punishing her which is how I think she'll see it?
She gets just as upset as we do and has been very cross with mum about it.
Onewiththeforce I know what you're saying but why should a 12 year old have to be responsible for washing all her little sisters clothing? That's her mum's job!
I think I'm going to have a chat with the girls tomorrow and get we'll pop round to mum's after school with a couple of cases and I'll get them to pack up their stuff for our house wink I'll say "oh you forgot again, you must be so busy so I'll get the girls to grab all their stuff now"

DP just suggested we FaceTime the girls on eldest's phone every Thursday night and get them to pack whilst we're chatting to them... "oh darling don't forget your pants" type of thing lol

needsahalo Thu 26-Jan-17 21:53:42

Despite a pretty generous maintenance payment each month the children used to turn up at ours with not so much as a toothbrush

Since when did paying maintenance mean mum provides everything and dad nothing?

OneWithTheForce Thu 26-Jan-17 21:54:08

why should a 12 year old have to be responsible for washing all her little sisters clothing? That's her mum's job!

Or her dad's, so she could just grab her sister's clothes and pack them unwashed and bring them to yours to be washed. But she can wash her own.

But yes good idea to contact them on a Thursday night to remind them to pack whatever they need for the weekend. Even a text. I'm assuming 12yo has a phone?

Dollyparton3 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:09:39

It seems the toothbrush comment is a bone of contention, let me explain.

What I meant was "arms a swinging" as my mum used to say, as in you turn up to the party with nothing.

It is common courtesy to assume that if you've been through 6 rounds of sending the kids to your ex's on a Friday night in their school uniform, and having them return with their school uniform washed, ironed and ready for Monday morning but also in the clothes that they are wearing that their dad has had to buy again including a new winter coat that you'd also ferry them back to their dads the following week with their school uniform and the clothes that they were wearing when we last saw them. To send them not equipped for a two night stay is bad manners.

Let's not make this an issue of how much we do or don't pay for please and what the propose of that payment is please. It's what we don't seem to ever see again that was the OP's original question.

Evergreen777 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:11:19

The facetime idea sounds a good one. Or you could try a short checklist for them to pin up in their rooms to have to hand each week. Also allowing plenty time when picking them up so they can go back for some stuff if necessary. They shouldn't need a lot though, for a weekend and assuming you have the basics at yours already (wash stuff, pjs, spare underwarer, etc) One change of clothes, and homework for the older one should be about it. They don't need to bring underware as you can keep spares of that and wash it at yours.

Dollyparton3 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:16:02

FaceTime is an excellent plan OP, and I agree with other posters, the tricky line to tread here is to keep the adult politics out of it and keep the girls out of it

ladylambkin Thu 26-Jan-17 22:19:38

How about keeping then till Monday and dropping them at school wearing the school clothes they came in on Friday?

Mamamc123 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:25:13

ladylambkin i'd love to do that but DP goes to work at 5.30am and I have to drop my own children off at a different school and I can't be in two places at once sad

Mamamc123 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:30:13

Onewiththeforce I've already said they can bring all their unwashed stuff here and I'll wash whatever they want on a Friday night... I do kind of begrudge doing that though - not knowingly to the kids obviously - because I think mum has all this free time and we're paying so much whilst she literally does nothing even with 2 days at home a week angry
I feel like we'll end up doing ALL their washing if mum clocks on to the fact that I'm willing, I know how her mind works lol.

Also I like the checklist idea too! Would definitely work for 7 year old, she'd see it as a game I think

Lunar1 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:38:12

I wouldn't ask them to pack things themselves. Does he pick them up from their mums? He needs to wait every time for their mum to sort their stuff, washed or not. If she sees he's going to push the point every time she may concede and do it automatically after a while.

It's hard transitioning between two homes, I don't think an extra evening of that needs to be spent with them worrying about packing.

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