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advice needed

(10 Posts)
user1485198606 Mon 23-Jan-17 19:16:18

not sure if this is the right place but i am pregnant with first child, due may. My partner has an 8 year old daughter who has struggled a bit with our relationship (we've only been together a year) she knows im pregnant now and seems happy but i find it all a bit overwhelming as wasn't really prepared to be a step parent. He now wants us all to live together, i have my own flat and he and daughter live with his mum. This terrifies me and i am not sure what to do for the best part of me wants to stay here on my own and become used to being a new mum but i dont know if i am being unreasonable

Lunar1 Mon 23-Jan-17 20:07:33

If you're not ready to live together then don't let anyone pressure you into it just because of the baby. Obviously he comes as a package with his dd but your relationship is still young. You are completely justified in not being ready to be a full time step-mum, taking your time now may save you all a lot of heartache.

Underthemoonlight Mon 23-Jan-17 20:08:52

The poor little girl this must be a massive change for her and extremely confusing time. I would suggest living seperately and build on your relationship with your dp and his little girl. Realistically you were wrong to get pregnant if you weren't prepared to be involved in this girls life especially as she lives with her father.

user1485198606 Mon 23-Jan-17 20:27:11

he didnt introduce me to her for first 6 months as wanted to take our time but we do have a good relationship i just think it'll take time and there is no rush she's never lived alone with him either and think its important they have that time as it is a big change for all of us pregnancy was unplanned but wanted none the less so just lots to get used to she is very excited about being big sister so im glad about that as think it'll be easier for her i think not rushing into moving in is best we will do it in the future at some point but i wouldn't want to be stressed out and worrying unessarily

Underthemoonlight Mon 23-Jan-17 21:03:42

It's still a lot in a short time my DS is the same age his DF and his DW who he has been with 6years are having a baby and he is struggling it with it and has been upset it's a big change and it's the uncertainty of it but he has built a relationship with his SM. I know it's done now but it was reckless on both of your parts to get pregnant when there was another child to consider who wasn't fully comfortable in the relationship. You see it all the time on here the fall out on what happens when people don't consider the existing children. You've already admitted your not sure if being a step parent was for you yet here you are going to be bringing a baby into the world who will be a sibling to your step child..

user1485198606 Mon 23-Jan-17 21:16:29

sorry im only human what should have i done got rid of it? your very judgemental and i didnt ask for that i asked for advice youve made your point people make mistakes i cant take it back now and are you perfect?? no i doubt it its not helpful so thanks for you input but your making out im this horrible person who isnt interested in my partners child and you couldn't be further from the truth she hasn't had an easy time and i would never jeopardise her future we are trying our best to be a mixed family i am alone and pregnant with no family so thought this might help clearly i was wrong

Underthemoonlight Mon 23-Jan-17 21:29:01

NO but my point being is there is an innocent 8 year in the mix who has displayed her feelings about being uncomfortable. You said you're unsure about being a step parent but now your going to have link with this little girl you're baby. I'm trying to give you a view point from an 8year old girl. I think the best thing would be to live seperately and build the relationship between your dp and this little girl but moving in together would be a diaster all round. Although what I said was maybe harsh this can be damaging for pre existing children which is why I suggested not moving in and build up on the foundations you've already started.

ChipmunkSundays Wed 25-Jan-17 19:42:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swingofthings Wed 25-Jan-17 19:52:53

You need to be clear with yourself what it is that terrifies you and you then need to discuss it with your OH. The problem with relationships that move to fast is that comfortable communication is usually not yet in place. Partners are still trying to impress each other rather than showing who they truly are, so negative feelings are kept away, trying to pretend all is wonderful.

The reality is that you've now entered a stage of your relationship when you're going to have to start having serious, and maybe unpleasant discussion with your partner, maybe telling him things that he doesn't want to hear, that is going to upset him, but it is inevitable if you want things to progress.

So if you have fears, you're going to have to discuss them with him so that TOGETHER you can come up with what is best for ALL OF YOU. Going through this successfully will make your relationship stronger. You don't really test the strength of your relationship until you've had to face some disagreements.

Wdigin2this Wed 25-Jan-17 23:17:16

If being together as a family terrifies you....just don't do it! Nobody's going to be happy if you're there under duress. It's still very early days, give it more time!

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