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Boundaries - the ex - AIBU

(16 Posts)
cappy123 Mon 23-Jan-17 01:47:21

Yesterday when we were about to go out to lunch to his parents, DH told me my 17 yo DSD had invited her mum round. DSD makes YouTube videos incl ones of her parents' reactions to other videos. She had apparently already filmed DH and wanted to film her mum too, from our house. DSD had also previously had her mum round in our absence and done 'the tour' too. We've only been in the house a month. My wider family haven't even had the chance to visit yet. Don't get me started on coming home and finding a bunch of teenagers chilling!

Like many steparents I've played a huge role in help to bring up DSD (feeding, listening, counselling, entertaining, holidaying, shopping, arranging trips, work experience, seeing her plays, picking her up, dealing with her health etc). This is not me invalidating her mum's role, but just saying. Also my DSD may or may not be intending this, but videos of each parent shot in the same home location give the impression they all live together as one family - yes my insecurity, granted.

I've no objection to DSD spending time with her mum (who lives barely a mile away). I've encouraged their relationship which was fractured before I turned up, and I've invited her mum to join us for Xmas dinner twice - which she has. She and DH have thanked me for my input to DSD's life.

But I'm also a step child and there was no way when I was a kid that my own dad came into my mum and stepdad's home to 'hang out' with me at my request. That's what his home was for. Surely it's the child that goes between the two homes, not the parents to each other's home unless by agreement with the adults concerned. DSD's mum seems to have little patience with her when they're at her house. She goes mad, for example, if DSD spills something. Both get on the phone to DH if they get into an argument, wanting DSD to be brought back home. I'm not banning her mum, but there needs to be boundaries in relation to our home. I've just spent my life savings on our new house for us all and would like to feel I have a stake in it and am not taken for a mug.

To be honest I'm still raw from her plans to move into the home that we've just moved out of. Yes you read that right. We rented a first floor flat from DH's parents (they live in the ground floor flat). It was occasionally intrusive, and living for years knowing they were directly below us (their bedroom directly below ours.. blush ) wasn't completely comfortable! When we gave notice, DH's parents invited DSD's mum to move in 'because they know her'. She lives in a detached 2 bed house FFS half a mile from them. So she's now moving out and into our old flat, sleeping in our old bedroom with our old decor, carpet etc. No - there are no financial upsides. My controlling MIL will have struck the deal (she can make you feel you can't say no). Even DH had to admit the whole thing is weird. We have no say, we're not the landlords (yes we have confronted MIL). But even so, I'm pissed the ex doesn't just say no herself. Would she be OK if her partner's ex moved into her and her partner's old home with her husband's parents living below? Or if her partner's ex came by to hang out with her husband's kids in her home?

DH knows how I feel angry and that 'the talk' is coming - that he and I need to agree what goes on in and who comes to our house, and that he must make that clear with DSD's mum, so we can all be on the same page with DSD.

I'm venting. And don't care if I'm being unfair tbh.

swingofthings Mon 23-Jan-17 09:32:47

My view is? Ex moving to your old flat? Who cares! You're out of it, it's not your home any longer, she can move wherever she wants, and don't see why the fact she is sleeping the same room you used to when all the furniture has gone is upsetting you.

Ex coming to your current house, let alone when you're not there and without being asked? Not acceptable and not necessary. Why did your DSD thought she could do so? She's almost an adult, surely she can understand that this is an invasion of your and your OH space? Why did your OH not tell her that this was no happening and that if she wants to make a video of her mum, she can do that just as well at her house?

Contact your DSD, tell her that your OH has informed her of her plan but that you are not really happy and explain to her why. No shouting, screaming, accusing, just having an adult conversation to explain your feelings.

cappy123 Mon 23-Jan-17 10:02:07

She's already been round for the filming. She arrived before we left for the meal. As for the old house she's moving into, there's nothing I can do about it. But I'm smarting.

swingofthings Mon 23-Jan-17 12:36:29

So your OH told you minutes before she arrived and you were about to go out yourself? That's very generous of him!

Petal02 Mon 23-Jan-17 13:38:40

The ex should not be coming round to your house to hang out. YANBU.

LadyVampire Mon 23-Jan-17 21:17:51

The house we have DH owned with his ex. It was perfect for our needs, close to work etc so made sense to buy her out. ILs probably prefer a tenant they know. Don't worry too much smile.

Me and DH had a big talk today about boundaries and totally ok to not want the ex in your home. I told DH I don't want them just turning up to drop stuff off without a heads up etc. It's your home too.

cappy123 Tue 24-Jan-17 00:06:41

Petal She told him yesterday morning whilst I was out that she'd invited her mum round, so he told me as soon as I got back, he wasn't sitting on the info.

Thanks Lady. My MIL did tell me that she was surprised that the ex asked if the rent she'll pay is the same as what we paid, which MIL said was private. I thought yep, you've got more of that front to come.

I've told DH tonight that I'm not happy and that we need some rules about the ex coming over and about how we live in our house. He was out earlier and not long back, so we've agreed to talk it through tomorrow. He does get that we're the adults in charge and it shouldn't be the tail wagging the dog, so to speak, when it comes to house rules, but vice versa. He's not over the moon, but we can't keep avoiding this.

PenguinsandPebbles Tue 24-Jan-17 00:20:35

YANBU, I can't imagine coming home and finding DP ex "hanging" out it's a huge invasion of privacy.

Have the boundaries just been blurred because of you inviting her there before? I know that is different from giving her free rein on your home but I wonder if DSD has taken this as you being fine with her mother being the house?

flappynewyear Tue 24-Jan-17 07:41:04

I'm not getting the angst about the ex moving into your old home?

How old is DSD? I find it weird that your DH is telling you that she invited her DM around. That means that he's ok with it OR feels he cannot say no to dsd. It is him you need to take issue with.

OutToGetYou Tue 24-Jan-17 14:16:19

My [now ex]'D'P's ex-w asked to stay at ours for a weekend when we were going away as she claimed she didn't have anywhere to stay with dss (who for once she had to look after as we were away) as her [then] DP didn't like him and wouldn't let him stay in their house (which was bought mainly with her spousal maintenance from the marital home).

I am still in shock that [now ex]'D'P even had to ASK me what I thought and why he didn't immediately tell her no and then tell me he had done. So, he asked me, I said no way. Two days later....the day we were going away...he asks me again. I say er, no, I already said no, I'm not going to change my mind....are you saying you haven't told her yet? But we're going tonight.....? Cue us being late leaving because she doesn't pick up dss as she hasn't got anywhere to stay (she could use her £500pm maintenance to book a Travelodge? Or stay with her mum who lives in a 3 bed house two miles away. No?)

Bloody stupid man.

They're all wimps I tell you.

But anyway, no, your boundaries are fine - I found myself wanting less and less to do with her and would go upstairs when she came round to pick him up drop stuff off etc as I didn't want to be condoning her behaviour.

StepMum2Be Tue 24-Jan-17 15:41:45

If my H2B ex visited our home I would be furious. I've told him I don't want her to visit our home as I see it as an invasion of our privacy. He picks up the DSC from her house and drops them back - their arrangement that they've agreed together. She has no reason to be in our home. As for moving into your former home, if you've fully moved out and none of your belongings are still in there I don't see a problem.

Skooba Tue 24-Jan-17 16:02:54

Just wanted to say that DSD is 17 and fingers crossed she will go her own way very soon. You have done very well by her, If she does, hopefully, go to uni or similar then when she comes home she might be more likely to be at her DM's and DGMs rather than yours.
You could say that you dont' want DSD bringing people round when you are out. Though I don't know what her hours are, or if you are out all day.
The manipulative DMIL and the Ex are welcome to each other - who the heck would move above their ex's DM??? Once DSD is left home you will have less reason to see any of them.

cappy123 Tue 24-Jan-17 19:21:48

Thanks for replies. Most of you replying seem not to have stepkids with you full time, it does make a difference when ex comes to the residential home, rather than drops off (ex rarely drops off because she rarely has her). If you're in this situation, how do you deal with it?

Thank you too Skooba. I know I can't do anything about ex moving in. Not my home or property anymore. I've been a landlord I get it. But the thought that she didnt think to say no, hurts, frankly. The in laws are youngish minded, resourceful, always got something going on, various friends and contacts. They could have asked anybody but her. They are seasoned landlords themselves. I think it was also talk about turning it into a workshop, keeping it empty for use by SIL and kids etc that meant the final decision threw me. It's irrational I know, but if it was a couple of tenants later when she'd moved in that time would have helped. My own mum was shocked and said she wouldn't dream of offering the same to my brother's or my ex's, notwithstanding grandchildren. I'll get over it.

I've spoken at length with DH about boundaries over the years, it's so frustrating that he refuses to see that not having them causes problems. Flappy it's a bit of both I think, him being both OK with it and not being able to say no. Not yet home, I'm off to Pilates. Lets see what happens when I get home.

BlueClearSkies Wed 25-Jan-17 17:06:17

Even if your have the kids full time, I think it is a big no to exes coming round.

DH's ex started to do this in our first home together. She said she had a right to see where her DS lived and his room, so she came round to see around. I was not happy. She pushed it and pushed. She would turn up at DSS bed time saying she was just passing and could she read him a story. She would turn up asking DH to help her do something on the internet. Then she started coming round when we were out to pick up DSS, barging past the nanny and helping herself to stuff in our fridge. That was the step too far. She was told to stop and DH started picking up and dropping off DSS so she had no reason for coming round, even if it was just for a few hours.

We have moved house since then and she has never been round.

cappy123 Wed 25-Jan-17 21:34:37

Wow blue what a liberty. I must admit to helping to blur boundaries before. I have never thought to say she can't come in once DSD has already arranged for her to come round. It seemed a fait accompli that once DSD had arranged it. I thought by his silence that DH approved of this tootoobecause because relations with ex were cordial everyone was relaxed about it, but I felt uncomfortable. We talked tonight and DH agrees and will express that the coming round has to stop. He did point out that he never invites her in, but that I did, even though I pointed out that's once DSD has told us her mum's coming round. Anyway, we've talked about the need for more basic boundaries. Better late than never. I didn't handle this one well initially to be honest. I flipped and he went into his 'cave'. Thank you all though. I did tell him that I'd bounced things off you guys.x

cappy123 Sat 28-Jan-17 19:45:12

And so it goes on. DH on a course in London, so I got loads of stuff done back and forth with the car. Proper messy stuff. SIL who lives 50 miles away came to the town on a whim. She actually saw my car at traffic lights and followed me home! I invited her in (no I hear you cry but would you turn her away? Plus DH was due back anytime and she does have her niece (DSD) here, although DSD has said she finds SIL too nosy and dramatic). I made clear to SIL that I was mid chores and even invited her back out with me to go shopping. She said she would just say bye to DSD and go. I've said goodbye gone shopping returned hour and a half later. Yes, she's still here.

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