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Moving to Ireland with kids to live with new partner

(170 Posts)
Troubledmummy123 Tue 17-Jan-17 08:29:47

Hi guys, really hoping I can get some advice here, been awake half the night hoping I'm making the right descion. Iv been currently seeing my amazing partner for 18 months, he is kind, honest, caring, hardworking and fantastic with my 3 children who are 3, 5 and 9, and like any children can sometimes be challenging, but he takes it all in his stride, (he hasn't got any children of his own) Only thing is he lives in Ireland. I am currently hoping to move over to live with him and my kids. He has a large family over there who are wonderful and have welcomed us so much, he has lots of nieces nephews and the children play together lovely. My partner is self employed and has built up a great business over the years. so it wouldn't really be an option for him to live here. I have fallen in love with where he lives and can definitely see myself living there, there are good schools and such lovely people. I am a nurse and am currently working full time days and nights trying to make ends meet, and sometimes feel like I never see the children there is work for me over there however I will not need to work until the kids have fully settled in and only part time then due to extra income from partner. BUT my ex partner see's the children twice a week currently, and will no way agree to me moving with the kids. So it will have to go through court.?He is a controlling person, and I have had to get The police involved on numerous occasions due to his abussive behaviour towards me, never the children though. He doesn't pay any maintenance, refuses to, even though he has a good wage. I am terrified about going to court and the influence he may have on the children as he has already said he will tell the children lies about me to turn them against me. And I know it's crazy and everyone has told me it won't happen, but what if he applied for custody and somehow got it, I will do anything for my kids and I'm honestly worried sick, Am I doing the right thing?

Troubledmummy123 Tue 17-Jan-17 08:32:10

We have never been to court previously re shared custody. He does have parental responsibility as is on the birth certificates

PostTruthEra Tue 17-Jan-17 08:33:58

I think it's unfair on your children to move them away from their father, who they see twice a week, so you can live with a boyfriend of just 18months.

RacoonBandit Tue 17-Jan-17 08:40:05

They see dad twice a week so to take them away from that is very cruel. Don't get me wrong dad sounds like an arsehole but the children will love him and they deserve to have a relationship with him.

Go through CMS for financial support but don't think because he does not pay he should not see them. Court sees contact and maintenance as two separate things.

He can stop you moving as he can apply for a prohibited steps order.

I know you want to progress your relationship but you have a responsibility to your children and part of that is encouraging and supporting contact with their father.

Costacoffeeplease Tue 17-Jan-17 08:41:46

Why on earth would you move countries for someone you've known only 18 months? And with three children?

Madness, even without the added complications of your ex

PimmsIsMyDrinkOfChoice Tue 17-Jan-17 08:47:16

Get maintenance from your ex sorted first. You might be less desperate to move and be reliant on another man if you can improve your financial position

Filibustering Tue 17-Jan-17 08:51:43

Even if their father wasn't on the scene and involved, I think it is far too soon for you to emigrate with three young children for an 18-month relationship where you can't have seen that much of one another as you live in different countries. Slotting in to your boyfriend's life/extended family/area, and going part-time in Ireland, with three kids that he can't know that well yet, would put tremendous pressure on the strongest relationship, and would leave you socially, economically and geographically isolated if it didn't work out, and/or if the children are persistently unhappy. I also think English people (assuming you are) who like Ireland on visits often underestimate how different the two societies are

I sympathise, as you're clearly both in love and exhausted from working long hours and night shifts, but I think that you need to rethink this.

Troubledmummy123 Tue 17-Jan-17 08:52:22

I would never stop the children from seeing there father, although have been told that I would be completely in my rights to by the police and women's aid!! It is an hour on a plane and I would bring them back every 3 weeks, longer in holidays!! I am not reliant an my partner or any man!! Hence why I hold down 2 jobs and a mortgage without any help from him or the government

Costacoffeeplease Tue 17-Jan-17 08:54:09

But you've only known this guy for 18 months!

Troubledmummy123 Tue 17-Jan-17 08:58:21

Yes I knew the other guy for 15 years and he was controlling and aggressive, was never interested in the children until we split, they are two completely different people and my children adore him.

Filibustering Tue 17-Jan-17 08:58:21

I'm not suggesting you are currently reliant on your partner, but if you move to Ireland and essentially slot into his life/locality/family, and work PT while relying on his income to make up the shortfall, of course you'll be reliant on him, and his family. And that makes you very vulnerable, as you have nowhere to go literally and metaphorically, should the relationship fail.

And how are you going to fund four return flights every three weeks during the school year? That would be a huge financial burden.

Minniemagoo Tue 17-Jan-17 09:00:59

The 18months thing wouldnt bother me.
However, I know you say its an hour by plane but add in travel time to airport and check in times realistically its probably over 3 hours.
I think you would have to list all the advantages of the move to the court but you will have to be honest. Especially about options if it doesnt work out with new man. Can you support yourself in Ireland, factor in extra costs luke paying for doctor etc.
Also with Brexit how would that afffect you. Currently as an EU citizen you would be entitled to support from the state but if Brexit happens that may not be the case.
I think this move needs to be fully thought out and done correctly through the courts and I'd definately wait till Brexit is 'known'.

Troubledmummy123 Tue 17-Jan-17 09:01:03

Thank you filibustering for your advice. I can see your point

RacoonBandit Tue 17-Jan-17 09:06:12

So go to the police then. Follow the advice given by womens aid but dont only do it now because you want to move to another country hmm

You say now you will bring them back every 3 weeks but in reality that just wont happen.
He sees the children twice a week so I doubt you feel he is a danger to them.
You worry about him getting custody and taking your children away from you.....you are doing exactly that to him.

Are you thinking of your children at all or just thinking of your boyfriend?

Filibustering Tue 17-Jan-17 09:09:29

Sorry to sound so negative, OP. I do feel for you. I just also think that it would be quite a precarious situation in a comparatively new relationship, even without thinking about the importance of your children's ongoing relationship with their father. Not to mention the cost of four return flights every three weeks.

How much are you currently managing to see one another?

Troubledmummy123 Tue 17-Jan-17 09:17:43

And here's me thinking it would have been a better happier life for us all. The father in my children's life has never really been a father and drops children off at his mums when he has them most, and I have to make sure they are fed and have a packed lunch for the next day when then go. However I think it is important for them to have Some sort relationship with there father and believe me I would not go into this lightly, I really appreciate your advice though, just hard to hear it, but I need to hear it

Costacoffeeplease Tue 17-Jan-17 09:19:54

It's not long enough, especially in a long distance relationship, can you not see that?

Uprooting your children, changing schools, leaving their father and all their friends for another country? Bonkers

Troubledmummy123 Tue 17-Jan-17 09:22:49

We see each other ever weekend he mostly comes to me probably 1 in 3 we go to him. Flights are very cheap last I paid was £16 return per person so cost isn't really that much of an issue

FrizzBombDelight Tue 17-Jan-17 09:23:22

North or South? Only you know what is best for you and your kids OP.

Troubledmummy123 Tue 17-Jan-17 09:24:14

Ok thanks, my theory was if I was going to do it to do it whilst the children where young before they settled in school.

Troubledmummy123 Tue 17-Jan-17 09:25:38

It's south, I realise about the lack of free Heatlh care etc, and would never sell my house here, just incase

TheElephantofSurprise Tue 17-Jan-17 09:26:08

Don't move your children in with another man. I don't know why women do this.

Troubledmummy123 Tue 17-Jan-17 09:26:58

I am not talking right away was thinking in around a years time btw

Costacoffeeplease Tue 17-Jan-17 09:30:35

So you're going from a weekend only relationship to all moving in together in another country?

It's hard to move countries as a couple or family, I've done it, it's hard to bring a step parent into a household, you'd be doing both

PinkFluffiUnicorn Tue 17-Jan-17 09:32:25

I'm going against the grain here, pack up and go! Life is too short to worry about everything, if your happy, your kids will get a better you, if your new man is willing to take you all on, go for it! Xxx

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