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Want a baby but it's insane!

(29 Posts)
Welshmamma Sat 14-Jan-17 18:44:04

Hi

I have a beautiful family.... three kids.... found a lovely man who I married last year after years of physical and emotional abuse. I also have four step children. Three live with me.

Until last year I hadn't even entertained the idea of more children. I am forty two and two of my friends had babies at 42 and I remember thinking they were mental!!!

Out of nowhere I am beside myself with grief!! I want a baby with this man who treats me like a person that he loves and respects. I have never been made to feel loved and treasured but I do and I want to share a child with him!

BUT he has the snip about ten years ago! We will have to save for a reversal and I am old!! But the time we get it done I may have dried up!!!

I should be greatful I have what I have. But I am being really honest and i find it painful to think he has shared something with another woman that I will never be able to .... and it's pants x sad in fact it bloody hurts!!

I know I should man up and move on but I am struggling ....

I love his kids and I wouldn't ever make them feel like crap because they aren't responsible for how I feel x

PitilessYank Sat 14-Jan-17 18:48:51

Just for clarification: you have three biological children and four stepchildren?

Welshmamma Sat 14-Jan-17 18:54:05

I have three of my own and he has four x

SillySongsWithLarry Sat 14-Jan-17 18:55:43

With seven children between you you'd be crazy to have another. I do get where you're coming from though. I have 2 of my own and was sterilised. DH has none of his own and won't be able to have any. We have made peace with our lot and are now happy with it. It's hard drawing a line under it though.

Livedandlearned Sat 14-Jan-17 18:56:42

I can relate to this feeling, I went through this myself. I tried to picture myself in 18 years and tbh that's what made my decision for me. Would a reversal work after 10 years?

He clearly adores you as you are. I have to say I think focusing on the children you already have rather than changing the dynamics of your blended family is a sensible idea. We have 6 in our blended family and I am glad I didn't have anymore.

I do understand that overwhelming feeling of wanting to share a pregnancy and birth with this lovely man.

Welshmamma Sat 14-Jan-17 19:16:59

I love the kids loads and I am a good mum to them all x when you have six in the house you hardly notice one more lol 🤣

I totally hear what you all saying...... I could be spending all my time and money on ourselves in a few years...... but my body is at conflict with brain!

I wonder if it's just biological time clock??? 🙄

PitilessYank Sat 14-Jan-17 20:40:22

I think that the idea of having a child with a beloved partner is romantic, but I must say, day-to-day, I don't look at my four kids and think "ooh-they are from me and DH..."

I guess what I mean is that you can bond very tightly with someone with whom you have not made children, so wanting to be closer to someone is probably not the greatest reason to have a baby with him/her.

Do you know exactly why you want to do it? Because I wonder if it is a bit if a romantic fantasy...

PitilessYank Sat 14-Jan-17 20:40:50

If>>>of

slipslidingaway88 Sat 14-Jan-17 20:48:13

Hold on, didn't you say you have 3 and he has 4? Surely that makes 7 in the house not six! If you can't count em there's too many! I'd put a winky face in there but it's frowned upon round here.

Caken Sat 14-Jan-17 20:51:53

(I'm assuming she can count and perhaps 1 doesn't live with them - grown up maybe?)

It's understandable to feel like that OP, I 'get' the idea of wanting to share this special thing with him. To me, what you've said makes perfect sense, but as you say maybe time isn't on your side. Have you discussed it with him to see if it's even a possibility? The ache for another child is so hard to ignore once it sets in, I feel for you flowers

sillygoof Sat 14-Jan-17 20:56:24

She does say in the OP that three of her stepchildren live with her.

BlueClearSkies Sun 15-Jan-17 10:09:55

I went through this at your age, with my DH. We have kids each, but none shared. I got pg twice but both times mc. Then we decided to stop and concentrate on our family. I could not cope with the stress of the mc.

Now we are very happy. I think how hard it would be now to have a 5 year old, with the others all teenagers. We are just getting our lives back and can go away on our own and don't have to worry about babysitters etc.

If it is something that you both want badly enough go for it. But remember this feeling of wanting a baby will pass.

Welshmamma Sun 15-Jan-17 10:48:18

Thanks everyone smile

Ha ha yes I can count! But the eldest is at uni so doesn't live with us. I have five bedrooms but an extra one would have been a tight squeeze!!! Lol

It's the husband who put the thought in my head saying it would always be a huge regret and at the moment I feel the same!!
Until then I hadn't even thought about it! Just took it that we were both done.

It's a horrible feeling that I haven't had before despite having children. Never had a yearning lol well for babies ha ha

swingofthings Sun 15-Jan-17 13:03:16

Very similar situation to BlueClearSky. When I met my OH, I had been single for 6 years and had stopped believing I would met my perfect man. Then he appeared in my life, and even more magically, asked me how I would feel being a mum again as he wanted children (never had any with his previous wife). I was totally over the moon as so desperately wanted to be a mum again. I fell pregnant immediately and couldn't believe how fortunate we were but I miscarried.

After that, like many women in this situation, it took over my life. I was 39 and knew my fertility was reducing. Nothing happened for 6 months and after tests, we were informed that my OH had a very low sperm count, not bad enough to make pregnancy impossible, but low enough to make it very improbable with someone of my age. We discussed IVF, but as time went by, OH one day acknowledged that he couldn't bear the thought of going through it, with the costs of it (wouldn't have been illegible for NHS funding as already had children myself) for the very small chance of success.

I was heartbroken because it wasn't as much as desperation to be a mum again as it was to give him the chance to be a dad as well as having a child with the man I adored. We decided to try naturally and let fate decide. It never happened and as the years went by, I gradually moved on. Firstly as I had to acknowledge that I was way too tired all the time to cope with 18 years of being a mum again, as well as the financial implication. It coincided with the time my children were becoming teenagers and therefore more independent meaning I could start to do things for myself again.

One day when I was 43, I went to bed with the realisation that not only did I not long for a child any longer, but I actually really didn't want one, and now 3 years later, I am thankful in the way that it did never happened as I very much value all the things we get to do because we don't have a young child.

Wdigin2this Sun 15-Jan-17 14:31:38

Even if he had the reversal now, and you got pregnant next month (both unlikely), you'll still be 47/48, by the time the child goes to school......but possibly older! Of course it's you and your DP's decision, but you need to be brutally clear on the pros and cons!

Welshmamma Sun 15-Jan-17 21:44:48

Believe me I have considered all the pros and cons lol I'm 42 not 22.... with age I think you lose the rose tinted glasses on life.

I didn't have my first child until my late 20's and was mid thirties having my last. I am fit and healthy and don't look or feel my age. I think this is why I am dithering a bit! I feel young and I'm fertile lol

But I get what your saying, and I really am happy with everything we have. I wouldn't like to think of my children losing their parents young in life and that's potentially what could happen I guess.

And I do value the fact that the more independent the children become as they become older the more freedom I get. This time is appreciated smile

mrssapphirebright Mon 16-Jan-17 14:48:01

Hi OP, I can also relate. I am 41 this month and have two dc age 14 and 15 with my exdh. I have been with my now dh for four years and would love to have a baby with him, he is my soul mate. he has 2 dc with his exw, but she is awful with contact and he hardly sees them. I know he would love the chance to be a proper dad.

technically there is no reason why we couldn't try for a baby, we could afford it and our house is big enough, but I just feel too old and my dc are teens so i really would be starting again.

Like you, I think we need to get to a place where we accept that it will just be me and dh without our own dc to bond us. I do feel for you op. There must be a way to move on from the longing and 'what if's' though.

PitilessYank Mon 16-Jan-17 15:23:00

Welshmamma, have you gotten any statistics regarding the success rate of vasectomy reversal? I thought it was on the low side?

swingofthings Mon 16-Jan-17 17:10:17

And just to add, at 42, even if you had no problem getting pregnant before, your chances of a pregnancy is seriously reduced. Of course it happens, hey, it happens in mid 40s (my grandmother was 45 when she had my mum and she was her first -and obviously only!-child) but the reality is that combining the reduce chances following a reversal and age means that the chance of success would be quite low.

A reversal is costly and painful. Add to this the pressure to fall pregnant (very different to falling pregnant accidentally), and it could put quite some strain on the relationship. Sometimes you have to be grateful for what you have and realise that wanting more can mean having nothing in the end.

SorrelForbes Mon 16-Jan-17 17:20:39

DH and I were in a slightly similar position. When we met I was 39 and he had two young teens from a previous marriage (I had none). I had some basic tests done which indicated a really good level of fertility. He however, had had a vasectomy ten years earlier.

We paid for him to have a reversal but couldn't afford the recommended ICSI at the same time (like a previous poster we weren't eligible for any funding due to him having children already). His sperm levels are still quite low but not dreadful and my fertility (at 47!) is still better than average (apparently) but it just never happened for us.

Sometimes I feel quite sad about what might have been but mostly I don't miss what I've never had. We are foster carers so do get some of the highs and lows of joint parenting that way!!!

theredjellybean Mon 16-Jan-17 17:30:33

i also sympathise OP...i have 2 dd and 2 dsd...i met my partner when i was 40 ( we met and had an affair which i am not proud of , left our marriages and am now happy together) all our girls are now young adults and i am too old to have a baby but i do recall having been adamant i would never want another child, even when i met him and fell i love hard did i ever contemplate a child of ours...then suddenly out of the blue aged 46 it hit me like a sledge hammer that i wanted a baby, no i wanted his baby....i kept it to myself, and got a puppy ...now so glad !

swingofthings Mon 16-Jan-17 17:34:52

SorrelForbes, thank you for your post. I sometimes wonder if my OH feels aggrieved that he never had a child and that if I'd chosen a younger model, he might have been able to. Through the whole journey, it's been more me seeming desperate for another child, but I have always been able to hang on to how lucky I was to be a mum already.

We have discussed it only a few times after we had officially given up believing and each time he has assured me that he is absolutely fine with it and that he would have me a 100 times over again rather than someone else and a child. His actions and behaviour are supporting this mindset, but it's nice to read it from someone else.

SorrelForbes Mon 16-Jan-17 17:38:07

swingofthings You're welcome. I too like hearing positive outcomes from others. Makes me feel not quite so 'out of the norm'!

Welshmamma Mon 16-Jan-17 19:24:20

Thanks ladies. It helps that you are mostly saying you've felt the same but it's passed!

He mentioned it yesterday and I said I was thinking of all the pros and cons and actually felt it helpful to focus on the cons a bit more. Such as us getting to have days out together , child free when my youngest who is nine goes to his dads. He then says yes well it's not just about that is it, it's about something being part of us...... hmmmmmm I nearly walloped him lol 🤣

I know deep down it would be an upheaval, we have four teens and a 12 and 9 year old so it's getting much easier to have some time alone and I love having that. If we have a baby together we won't have time when the children visit the ex as it would be ours!
Plus the strain on my old body! I have spent the last nine ears trying to get my body back to a kind of normal after having a baby in my thirties and it wasn't as easy as the first two!!

We have spoken to micro surgeon who has great results even after ten years! But of course my eggs may not be up to much by now so it would literally be a long shot.

Sigh...if I only I had a time machine!!

redfairy Fri 20-Jan-17 08:27:09

I was in your position seven years ago OP. I was 42, newly married to No.2 husband and we had five children between us. He had had the snip and offered a reversal if I really wanted a child. I would have loved to have had a baby with him but I put my practical head on, thought of the nursery fees, the jigging of bedrooms, the change of car to a minibus and talked myself out of it.
And it's worked out nicely. We have slipped gracefully into our middle ages. Impromptu grown up meals out, city breaks etc...the thought of having to have waited until I was in my 60s to do this makes me realise I made the right decision. I do wish we'd have met earlier so we could have had a child together.

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