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Do you ever just want to go home, drink wine and avoid DSC?

(21 Posts)
sadandanxious Tue 10-Jan-17 16:39:01

I'm having such a stressful week so far. I also suffer from depression and anxiety and I'm having a bit of a rough time of it at the moment in that respect. This evening I want to just go home, drink wine and avoid the world. But, Tuesdays are DP's night to see DSD (who's 5). For some stupid reason they have an agreement where she comes over about 5 pm and then gets dropped off back at her mum's for 8 pm - by which time she's incredibly exhausted and cranky - any sort of attempt to change that is not acceptable in her mum's eyes - either her staying overnight is not an option because she can't possibly trust DP to look after her / drp her at school in the morning hmm or if he tries to say for DSD's sake he'll drop her off early (she goes to bed at 6:30 when she stays at the weekend) hes being selfish and not got DSD's best interests at heart hmm

DSD is absolutely lovely, she's such a sweet little girl. But today I've had enough of everything and everyone. I'm exhausted and just want to go home, drink wine, read a good book and have an early night - rather than have to help occupy a 5 year old. That probably sounds bad but ranting and being stressed on here is probably far better than me taking it out on my DP.

swingofthings Tue 10-Jan-17 16:57:22

Go home and let him get on with it then. Why would you need to occupy her. She's his daughter. She comes (and copes with a later night) to spend quality time with her dad, not to be occupied by you.

Surely that's the benefit of being a step-parent, knowing that when you feel the way you do, you don't have to put a front and make efforts you don't want to make because it's not your child?

SomethingLikeFlying Tue 10-Jan-17 17:00:15

Ah just think it's only 3 hours. As soon as they have left to go to her mum's get in the bath, chill, have some wine and then you still get to have a relax before you go to bed. You're having one of those days and I totally get you, so make sure you get him to do all of the running around for today.

Jinglebells99 Tue 10-Jan-17 17:07:14

If I were you, I'd just say I wasn't feel too well and have an early night. It doesn't take two of you to look after a five year old. Just explain you feeling a bit poorly and let your dp get on with it.

sadandanxious Tue 10-Jan-17 17:46:18

swing I don't need to occupy her but when she specifically asks me to play with her I feel bad saying no when Im not particularly doing anything else.

I've decided to busy myself with making dinner and whilst that cooks I've escaped upstairs. Ahh only 2 more hours until the house is quiet smile As soon as he leaves to drop her off I've decided to go for a short walk as it normally helps to clear my head after a stressful day - and is possibly a healthier way than reaching for the wine.

paxillin Tue 10-Jan-17 17:50:39

I did when dsc was this young. But when I had my own dc I found out I do feel that about them sometimes. Don't beat yourself up over it and do have that glass of wine.

Zippidydoodah Tue 10-Jan-17 17:55:56

I've found this through active threads, but just wanted to come on and echo what the pp has said re: feeling exactly the same about my own dc!! Especially on evenings like this one when dp is away with work so I'm on my own. flowers

sadandanxious Tue 10-Jan-17 18:11:39

Thanks paxillin and Zippidy
flowers to you Zippidy

DSD goes through phases where she's either wanting to spend all of her time with DP and doesn't much care for me being around and phases where she wants to spend all her time with me and doesn't much care for DP being around. Thankfully today is a DP day smile

NotLadyPrickshit Tue 10-Jan-17 18:38:07

Completely agree with PP's this feeling isn't exclusive to DSC I sometimes take myself off to the bath with a glass of wine & a book solely to avoid my DC's ... have your wine, relax & don't feel bad flowers

ZouBisou Tue 10-Jan-17 20:06:05

I know what you mean, it's a choice between feeling guilty at withdrawing to have me-time, or forcing yourself to play and interact when it feels like really hard work.

I remember feeling like this sometimes when DSS was younger - I almost never feel like this now though! Partly because I actually enjoy doing things more with DSS, like playing board games as a family (with wine for me!) now that he has got older and his idea of 'playing' isn't the same. He's generally more interesting - funny to chat to and have a laugh with. Also he can entertain himself a lot more (albeit often with screens) and needs less 'entertaining' and input. It's so different to when he was 4/5/6. He's 11 now.

I'm sure it will get better, in the mean time I think it's about finding the right balance of forcing yourself a bit to play and chat even when you're not in the mood, but also withdrawing and having me-time. Balance is everything, and your DP needs to understand that too and make sure it happens.

NewNNfor2017 Tue 10-Jan-17 22:35:33

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a stepparent being "unavailable" to a DSC on occasion - stepparents are not at their beck and call to respond when the DC decides that they want to be entertained by their stepparent!

You have every right to take yourself off to the quiet of your room with a glass of wine, or for a bath with a book - and for your DH to tell his DD that no, she can't play with sMum today, just in the same way as his DD would be told that no, she can't have a bath right now, or no, it's not lunchtime yet.
There shouldn't be any validation of an expectation on the part of the DC that it is going to happen because they want it to, or apology from the parent because it hasn't.

SciFiG33k Wed 11-Jan-17 06:03:55

I often feel exactly the same way on the first night each week DSD will be staying I spend the day very anxious and just want to go home and hide. DSD and I get on very well and as soon as I get home everything is fine and we have a great time. But I still suffer the anxiety the following week. Have just started anti anxiety/depression meds and speaking to a counsellor about it. So hoping things will get easier.

Hope your night went OK and that your DH helps you out when your feeling overwhelmed and need some time out wine

Petal02 Wed 11-Jan-17 09:21:28

Please don't feel bad OP - there were times when I simply didn't want to go home, after a busy day at work, to someone else's child! Stepparenting is a bit un-natural at the best of times, even if you're feeling 100% healthy!

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Wed 11-Jan-17 12:52:21

Don't feel bad OP. I've completely withdrawn from DPs DSC for the time being. It's caused too much upset. Unfortunately his children aren't sweet and their mother actively encourages hatred towards me and DP has dealt with it really badly in the past so Ive declared myself out for my sanity.
He sees them on his own and I have our two DC. I only get one life and so do you. Sometimes you have to be selfish. I found it hard and I struggled for years before I came to this point but I was miserable and it had to change.

howtodowills Wed 11-Jan-17 15:58:24

mumoftwo
Don't mean to hijack the thread but practically how does that work?

I have 2 SDs... one is a DSD and the other one is very difficult. I hate having her here and have tried many things over the past 3 yrs but have now resorted to just trying to be around her as little as possible and leave her dad to parent her.

In your setup do you take it in turns to be in the house? Do you just not see your DP on wkends when they are there? Having my SD around just makes the house tense, stressful and miserable...

howtodowills Wed 11-Jan-17 15:58:57

OP.... you can just tell SD you're busy and let her dad entertain her. That's what I have started to do!

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Fri 13-Jan-17 23:40:18

howto they don't live locally so on DPs weekend he drives to pick them up and takes them out for the day. His ex won't share driving anyway, so him and the kids spent most of the day in the car coming to ours.
It would be rubbish for them and impractical for us as we have a baby and a toddler anyway. DP sees his DC, they get better quality time with their Dad, I don't have to put up with the bullshit so it's win win really. It does make me sad because it's not ideal or what anyone would dream of, but then I remember the horrid reality and realise how much happier pretty much everyone is with the situation.

howtodowills Tue 17-Jan-17 17:21:58

mumoftwo I think I just posted on another thread of yours!
That makes sense... my DPs kids live 40mins away so EOW are here thurs-sun. I HATE it. Really really hate it 😢😢

howtodowills Tue 17-Jan-17 17:23:25

How can I withdraw from them when they have to be here? God I wish so much their mum would meet someone and move away

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Tue 17-Jan-17 22:22:36

howto firstly don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. I have spent years resenting my situation and feeling then feeling guilty for it. It's not a natural relationship and other factors/stresses make it so much worse. My DP moans when my friend DC come round once a blue moon but can't understand why I struggle with his DC, one of whom has quite severe behavioural issues (not diagnosed by me!)

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone Tue 17-Jan-17 22:26:33

I don't know how you withdraw from them. Do they have to be there? Have you spoken to your DP? DPs ex MIL used to scream that they were moving the kids to a different country. I prayed it would happen, but I'm just not that lucky!

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