AIBU with exwifes/DSD's present?

[Evilstepmum01]

Totally prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable here, just need some perspective really!
DH's birthday yesterday, I got him something and bought him a wee something from our DS. Just a toy they can play with together from asda. (we just get little things!)
DSD got him something too, its usually aftershave or something like that (his exwife tends to buy loads of expensive presents for him which we feel slightly uncomfortable about-a Superdry gilet last year-her boyfriend doesnt even have one!).
Shes got him a personalised cushion with DH's and DSD's face on it.
Now, for fathers day or his birthday, if I get anything personalised, I always put DS and DSD on it. So no-ones nose is out of joint and DH loves them both so its fair!
AIBU to be pissed off with exwife for doing this when he has told her this in the past?
DS did ask where he is because Daddy and his big sister are his family.

So, AIBU to feel for our son?

to be fair, we are really angry with his exwife just now as last week she left DSD8 looking after her new baby (1) while she went to the shop. This may be affecting my perception!!

[stolemyusername]

YABU, the relationship between your dsd and your husband is her concern she could argue that her baby is just as much dsd's family and from her POV should be included also.

[keekaw]

It's just blended family stuff. Too small to worry about. I'd have said 'oh yes, we should do one with you all' to ds (and then forgotten to do it).

[Spam88]

I think YAB a bit U. Your DS is nothing to do with his ex wife.

[Cherryskypie]

I think the other stuff is colouring your view. Your DC get to have your DH around all the time. Your DSD probably gets him a couple of days a week. Let her have the cushion.

[Evilstepmum01]

Fair play! I do include her baby sister very much! I suspected I was BU, so thanks! Always helps to ask other step-parents I think!

Letting it go! :)

[TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN]

YABU

DS & DSD are part of your family. Your DS is not part of his ex's family. It's different.

Even if they were full siblings one child is allowed to have things that are just them & their Dad (or Mum).

My ex and I bought each other nice presents for a while. We were still friends, but stopped when one of his gf's lost the plot over it. (She needed to get a grip, we'd been apart for ages & I introduced them, she had no reason to bevatball wary if me,). It's up there myiur DHnto ask her not to do this if it bothers him, or you.

How long was she out for, was the baby awake or sleeping?

[Evilstepmum01]

Cherry, we have 50/50 so shes here half the week! I havent taken the cushion off her, far from it, I said it was lovely!

Its just I feel this way inside sometimes. Like most step-parents.

[Cherryskypie]

I meant let the cushion picture go. Half the week with you is still half the week without her dad when your DS has him around all the time.

[SomethingLikeFlying]

Why don't you make something personalised with your ds and dh it. Not a cushion, but maybe a nice photo frame saying "daddy" on it. Then something with him with both of his children and him on it. Then one of you and your ds. Then there is a mixture of things.

[Evilstepmum01]

somethinglikeflying thanks, thats exactly what I've just done!! Instead of whinging about it and being negative, thought I'd do something positive instead! DS is proud he made Daddy a picture frame (we stuck bits on an old one), and DH will be chuffed! DS and I are also about to bake Daddy's favourite cake!
Meanwhile, I'll stop being a twat about this and go and read my step-parenting book again! I need to remember its not easy for my DSD. Not easy for me either, but I'm the adult.

[SomethingLikeFlying]

Aww that's lovely You should pop a nice photo of him and his daddy in to it.

[crusoe16]

YABU but you know that. I'm a SM and I'd be very 'ugh' about that too but like you say, definitely not something you should do anything other than take a deep breath about.

I think the main issue I'd have was that it would look to the younger children like he had a favourite. But as PP's have said and you've done, you just have to do something for them. So DSD has her cushion and DS has his drawing.

I asked DH for a keying with the kids' names on it for Xmas. He included DSD and their birth dates. I would have been OK with DSD being on it if he hadn't included the birth dates. I mean I didn't give birth to her and wasn't in any way present on that date! The keyring's still in the box . Looking at it just makes me feel a bit ugh. And I know I'm BU too!

[Somerville]

I think it would be standard for there to be items in a home that are personalised with all of a parent's children names/faces and others that are from one child to the parent.
Remind yourself that when a new baby is born a family doesn't get rid of all personalised items that exclude them, after all.

[Evilstepmum01]

Crusoe yeah, I was unreasonable. I definitely went Ugh a little bit! But big girl pants on, DSD was so proud and DH was equally delighted with his present from DS and cake! We are so careful to ensure there isnt a favourite, I simply didnt want DS feeling left out.
The keyring.....I would feel a bit ugh there too tbh. Names of all the kids is lovely, but DSD DOB, as you say, you werent there!

Just another day in the life of a stepparent!

[SomethingLikeFlying]

Yes you need plenty of big girl pants for these sorts of things. The only way of making it better is to have your quiet "ugh" moment and then to turn it in to a positive, which you absolutely have done. That's fab, so well done!

[NotLadyPrickshit]

Yeah a teeny bit unreasonable but you knew that already

I have 3 kids & there are pics/personalised items with/from varying combinations of them so it's just a blended family thing

Crusoe I agree the date of birth thing is a bit eurgh.... for both step & bio mum of the child in question

[NotLadyPrickshit]

NOT just a blended family thing 🙈

[NotLadyPrickshit]

Not just a blended family thing FFS!!!

[SomethingLikeFlying]

Lady Have a brew.

[RacoonBandit]

Tiny tiny thing. Get over it as you cannot change it or force the ex to be more considerate.

Honestly pick your battles OP.

[Evilstepmum01]

somethinglikeflying Thanks! Needed a good old MN kick up the bum! Pants hoicked up to my armpits!

lady good point! Too early for ??

[NotLadyPrickshit]

Too early for *??
*
It's 5 o'clock somewhere & I obviously need one too

[TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN]

Crusoe. Talk about setting him up to fail. You should have told him exactly what you wanted on it or just bought one for yourself. It's very churlish now to leave it in the box. Your DSD's birth - you weren't there, he knows you weren't there, you both know she isn't biologically yours - it's no great surprise. How does it make a scrap of difference that her birth date is on a keyring?

Evil. It's not an 'Urgh' moment. It's a 'one child made something for her Dad' moment. They will both make things for him from themselves, with & without photos. You don't have to run around proving DS is just as important. You need to tell DS that yes you are a family, but you don't all have to do everything or be on everything. That BOTH of them can do things for Daddy at different times - it's not a competition, don't let it become your one. It's the same in blended and non blended households.

[TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN]

Oh & don't be daft!

It's never too early for 🍾🥂 the sun is very the yard arm somewhere 😁

Racoon. The ex isn't being inconsiderate, she's helped her DD to make something for her Dad. Why shouldn't his DD make something with just her on it for her Dad?

[MycatsaPirate]

Well done for finding a positive.

Dp and I have four dc between us. His have two different mums, mine have two different dads. My two don't see their dads and one of his is living independently and doesn't speak to her mum and the other is living with her mum and stepdad and refusing to talk to dp right now. She's 13 and going 'through a phase'.

Being a blended family is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Ever. It doesn't matter what you try and say or do, at some point, someone's nose is going to be put out of joint because 'it's not fair'.
In our case with so many variables that happened on a more regular basis than either of us was prepared for but we struggled through it.

So we have stuff with all the dc on, stuff with dp and one dd, stuff with just mine on, stuff with both his on. We have tried to keep it as equal as possible but it is like wading through a minefield blindfolded at times!!