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Struggling with ADHD Step Son

(19 Posts)
Jens303 Mon 09-Jan-17 09:20:35

Myself & his father have been together now for 8 years, living together for almost 7. Now I have never wanted children, being in any maternal does not come naturally to me.
The problem is his 10 year old son, I have just about had enough of his constant lying & arguing with me - he was diagnosed about a year ago with ADHD & takes tablets for this during the week but has a break from them at weekends. His father says he is working on the lying & it's part of his condition however, I don't him lying to everyone else all of the time.
I am actually coming to the conclusion that it would be better for him if I left rather than being at the end of my tether with him, I honestly struggle to be in the same room as him at the moment. Any advise welcome or do you think it's best all round if I just leave?

fallenempires Mon 09-Jan-17 12:54:00

Does he live with you full-time?

Jens303 Mon 09-Jan-17 13:07:37

no, he is with us every other weekend

fallenempires Mon 09-Jan-17 13:17:45

How supportive is his Mum in all of this? Does your DP and her maintain a similar parenting style?

Jens303 Mon 09-Jan-17 13:23:45

His mum is a fair bit less strict than we are - DP says he speaks to her quite badly & there is a transition that takes place on the journey back to our house from where he lives with his mum

fallenempires Mon 09-Jan-17 13:37:20

Does DP maintain an amicable relationship with her? It sounds as though he's causing problems at home too doesn't it? Is it worth the three of you getting together and having a conversation about how everybody must parent in the same style.
Does your DP have any idea just how serious that you are about leaving?

Jens303 Mon 09-Jan-17 14:24:36

DP & her have an ok relationship and think they parent the same way however he gets away with a lot when with his mum. eg DP asked him why he started crying when it was time to turn off the tv & his reply was 'well it works with mummy'!
To be fair to DP it does not work with him.
He knows how serious I am about leaving, has asked me to give him a chance to work with his son which I have agreed to however I do fear a large amount of damage has now been done in terms of my relationship with DP and my relationship with his son.
I just don't really know how to deal with it

Crusoe Mon 09-Jan-17 14:41:48

Why is he not medicated at weekends? Seem bonkers. If he needs meds he needs meds. My son has ADHD and takes medication everyday, it helps all of us enormously.
Children with ADHD (in my experience) need to be kept busy, lots of physical exercise, firm boundaries and routines. They need the chance for things to move on quickly when they make mistakes (which they will do often) to apologise, apology to be accepted and for everyone to move on.
What gets to you specifically? For me it is rudeness when my DS doesn't get his own way.
What does your step son really struggle with? For my DS it is transitions and not having my undivided attention.

fallenempires Mon 09-Jan-17 14:42:56

I take it that you don't get involved with the parenting of dss or do you?What does DP do when he has his meltdowns or rages at you?

Jens303 Mon 09-Jan-17 14:49:14

Personally, I think he should take the meds all the time but his mother likes him to have a break from them - to me, he appears to arrive on a Friday afternoon and the rest of the weekend with some sort of 'come down' from these meds. Being the primary care giver this is her decision & we appear to have no say in this at all unfortunately
He does like undivided attention which isn't too difficult as there are no other children.
For me I honestly think it really is my problem in that I struggle to understand, in my day you where just told to pay attention & have a pen or board rubber chucked at you, I really struggle to have the patience to cope with it all, especially when he down right lies to my face over silly things that he is obviously lying about. Along with arguing with everything I say.
I guess I will give DP the chance to work at but in my experience I haven't this actually happen, maybe now he's more aware of it.
I'm just unsure the best thing for him is to have me around :-(

Jens303 Mon 09-Jan-17 14:50:02

fallenempires - so far DP has done nothing which is partly why I have had enough

fallenempires Mon 09-Jan-17 15:21:59

It's obvious that not taking his meds is affecting his behaviour,surely to goodness his Mum must see this when she has him at the weekend herself?
I do feel every sympathy for you as not being emotionally tied to the lad as his parents are you won't necessarily have either the tolerance or ability to cope with the behaviour.Sometimes parents allow things to go unchallenged when it's on their watch this is why it's vital to have the same rules and boundaries in both homes.
One way of looking at things is to consider that going into his teens he will probably be seeking more of a social life so will be not at home as much.Would having this time frame in mind make you reconsider the idea of leaving?

Jens303 Mon 09-Jan-17 16:38:55

thank you all for your replies, it has really helped me a lot in the decision to stick with it.

I do feel much much more positive & will try to be more patient and see how it goes

I really don't want to leave but was feeling very unsure as to whether I could deal with this situation

Cakescakescakes Mon 09-Jan-17 16:46:09

His brain works in an entirely different way to a typical child. So telling him to just pay attention etc won't work at all. I think understanding a bit more about ADHD would be helpful for you? My son has ASD and I always try and explain it as you wouldn't get cross with an epileptic child for having a fit, so it's also not appropriate to get angry with an autistic child for what looks to outsiders like 'bad behaviour' but what is really anxiety meltdowns etc. A lot of your SS's 'behaviour' that is riling you will be a direct manifestation of his disability and needs to be viewed like this. Hope that makes sense.

Cakescakescakes Mon 09-Jan-17 16:46:53

Sorry that sounds a bit snippy reading it back. Wasn't meant like that - sorry!!!

Jens303 Mon 09-Jan-17 17:03:33

Cakescakescakes - not at all, that was actually very helpful

Cakescakescakes Mon 09-Jan-17 18:16:39

The SN Children and SN Chat boards on here are a good source of info and maybe ideas on strategies etc

Frankelly66 Wed 11-Jan-17 10:04:56

Are you getting enough alone time when he's at yours? Are you able to go and do your own thing? Ask your husband to take the reigns a bit more, even just for a few months so you can have a cool down, not unreasonable

Jens303 Wed 11-Jan-17 10:41:13

Frankelly66 - I am able to get some alone time which I think may help

I'm sticking with it & have a better understanding of the problems he faces & how I need to be far more patient with him as it really isn't his fault he does seem to just blurt things out without thinking.

Thank you all for your responses, it has really helped

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