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Am I a good Step Mom

(47 Posts)
user1483887562 Sun 08-Jan-17 15:09:04

I have two under ten, children of my boyfriend. I have twenty years teaching experience so not new to the responsibilities of children. Sometimes I buckle, I ensure our time together is enjoyable, they love being with me as I organise events, walks, pitch and putt, cooking, reading etc. Sometimes I feel it's all for nothing. I'll never be their parent, etc, any one else in this position? Thank you in advance.

CannotEvenDeal Sun 08-Jan-17 16:22:58

Well it certainly sounds like your putting a lot of effort in and I think that's positive! I've read many posts that mention it being all for nothing/pointless etc so I don't think you're alone in that aspect but it's not necessarily the case if that makes sense.

How long have you been together?

WhiskyChick Sun 08-Jan-17 16:25:43

I'm in a similar position but I get so much from the kids I always feel like I'm the lucky one. I'm always aware that when we have the kids we aren't always doing fun stuff and they have to help out when they're here. They're great fun to be with, I'm sure you're doing great

fallenempires Sun 08-Jan-17 16:33:41

No you can't be their parent as such but you can be another positive adult in their lives.It sounds ideal to me tbh.I hope that when/if my X meets somebody that she will also enrich my childrens' lives.smile

SpartacusWoman Sun 08-Jan-17 17:02:37

What do you mean when you say you sometimes feel it's all for nothing? If the children enjoy the activities and love being around you then you're doing great, what part of that makes you feel it's for nothing? I don't mean it to sound as a negative question, I'm just wondering if somewhere inside you you're hoping for something that can't or is unlikely be, like for them to view as a Mother and love you the same way they do their Mum and Dad.

Sometimes the children may prefer to just hang with Dad, or Dad may just want to do something on his own with the DC, if this happens don't take it personally because that's totally normal too, and sometimes there will be times where you have to step back and let Mum and Dad discuss things about the DC without your input.

The children love you and like being around you, but you won't ever be their Mum, you can be a positive addition and the more adults that love them the better, but if your doing all this in the hope that they will see as you as a Mum, or that you'll be included in decisions that should be made my dh and his ex, (which wouldn't make you a bad stepmum either) I worry that you will get hurt.

It's hard I know, but you sound like you're doing great.

jules179 Sun 08-Jan-17 17:07:39

Why do you feel it is pointless? They have a extra kind adult in their lives - that is very worthwhile.

Do you feel that this is in some way a bar to being a parent yourself and that is why you find it difficult?

CannotEvenDeal Sun 08-Jan-17 17:40:18

Why do you feel it is pointless? They have a extra kind adult in their lives - that is very worthwhile.

I'm not sure what the OP'S situation is but reading these boards, I know that not all exes/mums see it that way and a lot will in fact go out of their way to put/keep sm in her 'place' unfortunately.

user1483887562 Sun 08-Jan-17 18:52:18

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your responses, we've been together for three years but living together for six months. His ex wife has never expressed any gratitude for my input. And I know it's churlish to expect that. I thought this would be seamless in that I love the boys, love their dad, know how to nuture and love kids ( work experience as a teacher), but I put aside my ideals of parenting as they already have two parents. Is it enough what I do?

jules179 Sun 08-Jan-17 19:39:11

Are you asking if it is enough for you?

Underthemoonlight Sun 08-Jan-17 21:21:26

I think you need to lower your expectations your never going to be seen as a parent especially if such a short space of time 3 years isn't that long in a child's life especially as you only lived together for six month. You can be a good role model to them and someone to talk to. I don't understand why you would expect their mother to thank you. Often the mother never in visions when they have children with someone that their relationship could to break down and have the exs partners in their children's lives. It is actually pretty hard to accept as a mother another woman taking a similar role in your dcs lives I speak as a mother in that situation although I accept it with DS I do love not having to share my relationship with my other two DC who I have with dh if that makes sense I get to enjoy special occasions as a family together.

Lunar1 Sun 08-Jan-17 21:22:19

What gratitude do you think she should express?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Sun 08-Jan-17 21:26:02

It's a long game. After 18 years it now definitely feels worth the time and effort and as a bonus since DSD became an adult a few years back I'm now able to have next to no contact with her mum, so I don't have to keep biting my tongue grin It was a long hard slog to get here though. Keep going, it sounds like you are on the best track smile

user1483887562 Sun 08-Jan-17 22:26:46

Tank you for your responses. Three yearis actually a long time in a six year olds life. Just ruminating . I'll do my best.

user1483887562 Sun 08-Jan-17 22:37:02

In any other life situation if another adult loved, cared for your kids it would be acknowledged. So why not this one? I think responses have been honest but reflect the harsh reality of what it's like to have step kids. How many of you actually really care about children you are not biologically related to? And yes I do think their mother should thank me, I save her a fortune in childcare and private tuition. She's lucky I'm in their lives.

Thepurplehen Sun 08-Jan-17 22:38:15

I think it does often feel a thankless task.

If ex wife's sister, mother or friend was doing what I do for her kids, I'm sure I would get lots and lots of gratitude from ex wife. As it is, I've brought up one daughter full time and two part time, and I don't even know if she would recognise me in the street!

This is why I think it's sooo important for your partner to really acknowledge your contribution and have an understanding that the kids will be ungrateful and it's up to him to support and appreciate your efforts.

NewNNfor2017 Sun 08-Jan-17 22:48:26

In any other life situation if another adult loved, cared for your kids it would be acknowledged. So why not this one?

Read 'Stepmonster' by Wednesday Martin.

She answers that question brutally and honestly.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment If you expect thanks, gratitude or acknowledgement from your DSC or their parents. It's an unexpected bonus if it's forthcoming.

jules179 Sun 08-Jan-17 22:49:15

The mum probably doesn't think that she would need to thank you - the things that you do with the children while they are with their dad are probably things that she sees as helping him, not helping her.

Underthemoonlight Sun 08-Jan-17 22:56:56

3 year really isn't long and you only being living together 6 month. Your relationship could end and you would not be part of their lives.

Again I'm baffled by your expections why should she acknowledge how you treat her DC? What do you want a thank you ,flowers? As I said above mothers don't expect their relationships to breakdown with their children's fathers when they have DC and then have ex partners involved in there dcs lives. They don't ask for you to be apart of it you choose to by getting with the dcs father. If you want acknowledgement it should come from your DP not their mother.

My DH is a brilliant SF to my DS he's been in his life since he was 2 years old lives with him and DS is now 8 and half. My ex has never thanked my dh for caring and supporting DS why would he? I acknowledge him by getting Father's Day cards & presents, birthday presents from DS.

Underthemoonlight Sun 08-Jan-17 23:00:03

Also op your saving your dp a fortune in childcare fees he is as much reasonable for childcare as the DM is

user1483887562 Sun 08-Jan-17 23:52:25

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

needsahalo Mon 09-Jan-17 00:02:14

yes I do think their mother should thank me, I save her a fortune in childcare and private tuition. She's lucky I'm in their lives

She didn't choose you and it is unlikely she chose the breakdown of her relationship with her children's father (even if her actions suggest otherwise). Does your DP thank you? Or do you not expect him to be grateful? What would he do for childcare in your absence? Wouldn't he pay for a tutor of his child needed one? Resentment is a huge relationship killer. Be very careful how you handle this.

needsahalo Mon 09-Jan-17 00:03:44

Oh wow. You need some therapy. Fast.

LineyReborn Mon 09-Jan-17 00:07:51

Has something happened, OP? You sound very unhappy.

For what it's worth I've done heaps with my OH's children (teenagers) and he thanks me. I've never met his ExW or had any contact with her.

Ouriana Mon 09-Jan-17 00:09:20

Have you considered that maybe she hasnt thanked because she doesnt want a stranger doing those things with her children? They have contact time with their Dad, not you.

If you choose to do those things then that is wonderful for the children and hopefully for you as well. But maybe she would actually far rather her children were with one of her parents than you?

needsahalo Mon 09-Jan-17 00:12:12

Selfish cows who give birth then expect everyone else to raise their children

No, she is expecting her children's other parent to do his fair share of parenting. If he delegates that to you - and you allow that to happen - how is that the ex expecting everyone else to raise her children?

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