I feel like such a horrible person

[Sillyface29]

Hi!
Il try to keep this as short as possible. I've already posted before about this topic but things seem to be getting worse. Me and my partner have been together for over 2 years. We have our own little boy who is one and he has a son from a previous relationship who is 4. A few months ago stepsons mum decided she "didn't want him anymore" so he come to live with us full time. I've always known he was hard work as we had him on weekends and all holidays and he was just a nightmare but I've had the patience of a saint with him.
These past few months though his behaviour has totally gotten out of hand. He has is fine with his dad. Me on the other hand it's like he hates. He spits on me, hits me, screams that he hates me, totally ignores me in public and has tantrums. He's started hurting my son too and the other night I walked into the bathroom to find him weeing on my son.
This morning I was cleaning up (out of the room for about 2 minutes) and I went back in to find him ramming food down my sons throat. He started choking and my partner had to dislodge it. He couldn't breathe and I literally thought we weren't going to get it out. I've never been so frightened.
I literally can't take anymore, and I feel like I can't stand having him around. I've cried all day and told my partner I think I should go to my mums for a bit as I don't want my son witnessing this and over the holidays I've had to time to spend with my own son as step son always wants the attention. I've gone without, both me and my partner so we could give him an excellent Xmas. Everytime I go somewhere I take him and try and show him love and it makes no difference.
He has an appointment at CAHMS in the next few weeks but for the sake of my own sanity and my sons well being I think I should leave for a bit - my partner has said if I do, our relationship is over.
I feel like the worst person in the world as I know he's only 4 but I'm at breaking point and don't want to feel like this. I love him so much but when he's hurting my son it breaks my heart.
Help!! 😭 xx

[tribpot]

I don't like your DP's tone, frankly.

Who is caring for your step-son during the day, I assume he's not in school yet?

I suspect that he is at least partly acting out due to being abandoned by his mother, although equally I suspect she had reached the end of her tether with his behaviour, and that's why he's been sent to live with you.

You definitely need a breather, and your ds needs to be safe. I would go to your mum's at least for some respite. If your DP goes through with his threat that your relationship is over as a result, so be it. (I don't think he will, not least because I doubt he wants to have to deal with his ds1 on his own).

Assuming your DP is working, I think he needs to take parental leave for a month or so, to spend some concentrated time with his ds1. He is the constant in his life.

[Sillyface29]

Thanks for your reply.
He is at school, he started in September. He has already had "2 red cards" and my partner has been called into the head teachers office numerous times for him bullying other children and being horrible to the teachers. My oh has been off over the Xmas period and try's to teach him right from wrong. He keeps saying to me we need to do it together as a family, but I just don't think I can. I'm finding myself becoming more angry with this little boy which to be fair I think his own mother has a lot to do with. From birth she never really wanted him and was always throwing my partner and step son out of the house so it resulted in my partners mother practically bringing him up while partner was out working.
My own son is so gentle, he just wants to be left to play with his toys and stepson constantly aggravates him, snatches and hits him. I just want to scoop him up and take him away till this is sorted. My partner just can't see it though and thinks I'm constantly over reacting. It's like banging my head against a brick wall. I've done literally everything for this little boy and it's getting to the point where I just don't want to anymore
Xx

[tribpot]

So if you go to your mum's, who will take your step-son to school and look after him after school? I don't think it would do your DP any harm to have to step up.

[bearsnumberonefan]

Jeez if my dsc did that to my baby I would be out like a shot. Couldn't give a damn about hurting feelings or what not, your sons safety is paramount and he isn't safe in that home with your step-son. Sorry.

[Underthemoonlight]

I would take my baby and go to your mama for his own safety this behaviour is extremely worrying

[AyeAmarok]

I think I should leave for a bit - my partner has said if I do, our relationship is over.

I suspect this is because he doesn't want to be responsible for his own child.

If I were you, I'd go.

Your DP will need to start parenting his child.

[SomethingLikeFlying]

I'd be taking my son far away from stepson as well and I would be saying exactly why.
If I caught my child having food rammed down his throat which could have killed him, I don't think I could see a way back from that. No relationship is ever worth putting my child in danger for.

[fuzzywuzzy]

I'd bet your 'd'p wont leave you at all.

Sounds like your doing the most parenting.

Go to your Mums, have the breather you need and then give serious thought as to whether you want to be with this man who wants to foist his responsibilities on to you with no regard of yours or your DS2 safety and wellbeing.

[swingofthings]

Getting out for some time and reflect on the situation is actually a very good idea. It doesn't mean you are giving up or abandoning him, it means that you both take a break to reassess the situation.

You have given up a lot for him taking on his son, surely the minimum he can do is give back a bit of freedom to clear your head out. Hopefully his words were said at our anger and fear and if you can talk to him calmly and explain why you want to go away for a bit, he will understand. Otherwise, he is reacting like a self-centered child.

[Sillyface29]

Thankyou again for all your replies.
To be fair I think the only option for me is to go. I've had a complete meltdown today, I've been angry, cried, shouted. And it's not fair on my baby or my step son. Everything just seems to be getting on top of me. I've tried to talk to my partner and all I've getting is that my behavior is ridiculous. Which he's maybe right.
Sorry for the rant. I'm tired and came down stair to my stepson emptying a full tub of sons formula out and money is tight as it is at the minute with Xmas and new year.
Give me strength
Xx

[SomethingLikeFlying]

Yes you do need to get out of there with your baby. He's not right, honestly. It's him with the problem. What did he say when his son tipped the formula on to the floor? Did he shrug that off as well?

You need a break from this environment. It's causing you all this distress and frustration and it's making you ill. He's just turning a blind eye and becoming defensive about his son, without seeing the problem. When is he going to realise that it's not on?

For your own sanity and the safety and wellbeing of your baby, go and stay with your mum. If your partner has threatened to end the relationship if you leave, then sod him. Your priority is your baby, not his feelings.

[Sillyface29]

Thankyou.
Honestly I feel like I'm just full of self pity at the minute and it's not me so I apologise if I sound like a depressed tit. He just shrugged the formula incident off and said "it's what 4 year olds do" and that I shouldn't lose my temper. My partner is self employed though and has been really quiet over Xmas so money is really tight and I was just annoyed that he would empty a FULL tub out.
We went down my mums before and stepson got one of my grans ornaments what my mum has kept for years and just threw it on the kitchen floor and it smashed. Just another thing to add to the long lost of things he's been doing.
I know this might sound like a really stupid question, but with my son witnessing this behaviour it won't mean he's going to pickup on his habits will it?

[Wdigin2this]

Jesus, never mind the whys & wherefores, your DS is in danger, get him out of there....now!
I'm assuming you're a SAHM, and that your DP is not generally there to care for the children/do the school run etc, so that's why he says if you leave...that's it. If you're not there, will he have to take time off to look after his older son? Does he normally do the caring for/cooking for/cleaning for either child, or is it all down to you? If so, then he cannot just wave away your concerns, yes you're probably wound up and emotional, but that doesn't mean it isn't happening as you've described!
I think you should, get yourself and baby ready, grit your teeth and tell him you are going to your mums whatever he says. If he's willing to discuss it calmly, in an adult fashion, arrange to meet on neutral grounds, just the two of you...but before you go, see your doctor/health visitor, tell them exactly what's happening and ask for their advice, then you'll have something solid to speak to DP about. Good luck!

[ImpetuousBride]

You're doing a lot of self doubting here, when objectively it's quite simple: you need to leave now with your son. Your stepson's behaviour is not only horrible but downright dangerous for your son. Weeing on him in the bathroom? Ramming food down his throat till he nearly chokes... and then your DPs reaction!

You're lucky to have a mother nearby whom you can stay with, it really should be a no brainer to put your son's well-being first.

[tighterthanscrooge]

If anyone treated my child like this in their own home I would be leaving and taking my child with me. I agree with PP that your DP likely doesn't want his son on his own as he sounds a handful. You have to put your own son first, what repercussions are there for your partners son when he is bullying your son? Urinating on someone? Fucking disgusting regardless of age I can't imagine what this is doing to your sons self esteem

[Imavinoops]

My step son is 3, with autism, and knows that emptying a full tub of ANYTHING (other than his toys in his room) is unacceptable behaviour so he doesn't do it. And that sounds like one of the minor things your step son is doing.

It sounds like your poor step son is really struggling and needs much more support from your DP. He has been abandoned by his own Mum and desperately needs a secure family life. He probably sees you and your DS as a threat to the only sort of normality he might have at the moment, which (despite the reluctance to act on his son's behaviour) is you DP.

IMO it doesn't sound like he is ready for any support from you and clearly cannot be left alone with your DS. Safety for everyone in the family is paramount and this needs to be supported more by your DP. I think you either need a plan in place which you all stick to or you need to be out of the family home for a while with your DS.
It may give your step son time to get bit more used to his new home and life with his Dad without feeling like he has to compete with you and DS and you may see a difference in his behaviour.

DP sounds like more of the problem really. Children's behaviour is much easier dealt with if you and DP are both on the same side. He unfortunately has his priorities wrong at the moment. I get he probably wants you all to become one family unit but no relationships at all are going to be built with all of this worry, dangerous behaviour and resentment. He needs to learn to tackle it head on rather than ignoring it which will only make it worse.

[pklme]

Can you calmly sit with DP and say that his DS has additional needs, you are finding it hard to keep DS safe, so what is he going to do about it? Point out that it is impossible to supervise both of them at all times, so is he planning to get a nanny to help? Or pay for a cleaner? Or will DPs DM come over every day after school?

I'm not at all saying you shouldn't leave and go to your mum's if you want to. You should. Just offering some other options to make him understand.

As a by the way, Children don't usually need formula over one, full fat milk is fine.

[MoggieMaeEverso]

My eldest DC was aggressive towards younger for a while - we could not leave them unattended together.

If eldest DC had tried to choke youngest, do you know what I would have done? Left and gone to live elsewhere until we could access professional help. Because that would be the obvious solution to keep both kids safe.

How dare your partner reframe this terrible situation to make you out the bad guy. You leaving is what's necessary for the physical and emotional well being of BOTH kids. It wouldn't be forever (although after your partner's threats, I think it now should be).

[Keepingupwiththejonesys]

Emptying a full tub of formula is not what 4 year olds do at all. If my 4 year old did that she would be in so much trouble, heck, my 2 year old wouldn't do that! I think you need to get out of there. He won't end the relationship and tbh, if he did then good riddance.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Your dss sounds a nightmare but he has been abandoned by his own mother. His question to you now is are you going to abandon me too. He is doing everything in his power to make this happen as he is checking out how far he can go. People who foster children or who have adopted in similar circumstances could help you here with strategies that work. Leaving him now would be very detrimental. Yet you need help. I think the suggestion of his gran coming over after school to help you is a good one. Does his dad do much with him? He has serious issues but that is to be expected after all he has been through. If he was your own child you wouldn't leave him and l believe you have to act now like he is your own child. Get help into the house to supervise him. When he begins to feel safe and secure hopefully his behaviour will change. Could he get play therapy through school or through his doctor. He needs help.

[MistressMaisie]

Def get your DS to a safe place.
Hopefully your DSS is saveable but it can't be your job when you have a vulnerable little one year old to care for. Leave it to the experts.
When DS is older he will be able to call out or fend for himself but right now you must keep him safe.

[Keremy]

It isn't just what four year old do at all.

Your dp is defending his boy and I get that I really do and I get why but your duty is to defend YOUR baby too. Your baby could have died and your dp is downplaying that.

[SomethingLikeFlying]

I agree with others, it's not what four year olds do. Formula is expensive as it is without having to go and replace a full tub that has been deliberately poured all over the floor. Take a breather from all this chaos, and see what happens. If he needs your help with anything eg childcare when he's back at work, say no.

[Sillyface29]

Hi again!
I've read each and every reply and put thought in all of them. Can I just say though, I am definitely puttng my son first. He even sleeps with me in my bed so step son can't get to him. I would just find it hard going back to my mums. There isn't much room so we would have to take turns sleeping on the sofa. She works long hours and I would feel terrible.
It was dss first day back at school after the holidays today. This morning he was just running riot. He ran outside and stamped on my foot in the process. I tried to tell him off but partner then told me off saying he was just excited about going back to school.
I've tried again talking to my partner when step son went to school. I said I was finding it really hard, his reply was "he's a little boy who's 4, he was just excited this morning" which I totally understand. I tried to reason and say it wasn't about this morning and that it was about everything he's done over previous months.
I said we needed to be on the same page and I had to understand his feelings and he had to understand mine. I literally got a "whatever he's 4, if you want to go go." So I think that's what I need to do really. It's like banging my head against a wall. I don't really know what I was hoping to achieve by trying to talk to him again, maybes just a bit reassurance but he couldn't even give me that.