In 1987 I met my husband, I had just started boarding school & we were both 11 years old. From day one he & I were an item & it stayed the same all throughout school until we were 16. Finishing boarding school we went back to our own towns a couple of counties apart. We met up over the years, always ending in too much wine &/or vodka & always weed. And always ending up in bed together (strangely never sex though), most of the time his girlfriend would be out of town on business & me, a boyfriend also away on business. We would meet at whom evers house was more convenient & safest. Anyway, he ended up with a daughter from a long term relationship which ended when their daughter was 3, I was really hurt by his admitted "drunken mistake, doesn't even remember having sex" as I had thought we'd eventually end up together, however we still met up, drank too much, but only on his child free weekends, I couldn't imagine a future between us now that he had a child.
When I was 30, I thought it was time to move on & start my own family. I met my ex husband in 2006 & we were to marry in sept 2009, I met him one more time in the April before I was to get married, again this ended up the same was as many times before, but this time he told me how he felt, his father had recently died & he thought he had nothing to loose. He asked me not to get married, told me he had always loved me & it had always been me. It was all too late, I ended up marrying & we had our daughter in Feb 2011. He was still in my mind, although he had a girlfriend, I found out through Facebook that he was again single & in oct 2013 I left my husband (poor man, still good friends) & we started a relationship. I moved to his home town a year later & we married Christmas 2015.
His daughter now 14 lives with us 50% of the time spread over a two week rota & my daughter now 5 lives with us full time, seeing her dad every 2nd weekend.
We lived quite happily to start with, although I felt he was constantly monitoring my relationship with his daughter, however his daughter & I got on no problems, most of our discussions were girlie chats & he only saw that we didn't talk so much in front of him. He accused me of not having a relationship with her as he didn't see the other side. I used to plait her hair before school (thoroughly washing my hands afterwards, which is more explained about below). She confided in me about many subjects, sought advice from me, came to me with her friend problems etc. In July last year she & a few friends from school smoked a joint to, I guess celebrate the start of the summer holidays & she freaked out, phoned me & I left my friends house to go home to help her calm down & feel better & I promised her that I wouldn't tell her Dad. In August last year, she told me she had a panic attack & said she felt high again & was laughing about it, whilst she was trying to explain it to me. Â I didn't quite understand how smoking a bit of a joint could trigger psychosis (especially having smoke it for years with no known personal issues) & I told her to tell her dad as I thought he'd understand it better than me having qualified & worked as a social worker for many years.
From that day our relationship has turned very sour, good days & bad but generally bad. I feel that he has taken over & pushed me to one side. I did say to start with that I will take a step back & let him deal with it, she saw a counsellor & her mother & my husband attended a few sessions, I had no part in any rehabilitation. I wasn't sure I 100% believed the panic attacks to be real & thought she was manipulating both sets of parents, playing us off against each other. She had 2weeks off school before Christmas which my husband said "we all" had agreed to ("we" didn't include me) it was suggested by the counsellor & agreed to by the school & her parents. I thought it was avoiding the issues & not helping her to deal with them.
Since August, his daughter & I have had no girlie chats. The situation now has become so bad & uncomfortable for me that I really don't like her, I don't want her staying in our home. I try to avoid situations that involve her. I don't want to spend any time with her. Everything that she does or doesn't do annoys the hell out of me. I find her to be selfish, spoiled & lazy. She has constantly had nits this summer & her one & only hobby of make-up has become such an issue with cleaning make-up fingers prints off paint work, carpet & her school shirts & the tide mark in the bath, I'm find myself to be quite repulsed. I have voiced my opinions, dislike & feelings to my husband & it has turned into tit-for-tat. Although obviously to me, if my own daughter (at 5 years old) forgets to flush the loo or rinse the sink after brushing her teeth, it's not an issue. Also any trust that was once there between us has gone. Â She told her mother that I knew about her smoking it & also told her I knew about the others times & told her to be careful, when I hadn't. Her mother & I have an issue as she's not stupid & suspected the past relationship..
Our situation at home is that it is my husbands house & 90% of the furnishings came with me or have have been more recently bought by me, i have never opted for the cheaper option & always bought my preferred, even if I had to go without & save more. So my stuff is important to me & I like to look after it.
I pay for the food, he pays the bills, I buy clothes, birthday/christmas presents etc for my daughter & him his. I deal with my daughters schooling, uniform etc & him his. We don't have any joint accounts, the money earned by me is mine & his his.. When we take a holiday, we pay for our own flights & put in 50/50 spending money. Â I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening & work part time.
I believe I am a little OCD & it has always been a bit of a joke in the past with friends & family, my mum is the exactly same, I just see it as super organised & I like my home/garden to look tidy & to be clean. Nothing extreme as light switches on/off 10 times, checking the door is locked, no obsessive thoughts of knife attacks, but everything does have its place. I particularly don't like going to supermarkets as have a very heightened sense of smell & can pick up many smells, my worst (other than goats cheese) is dirty hair, hats & pillows smells & when I detect it, it stops my breath. I now do my food shopping online.Â
I've looked into how to deal with OCD, thinking that maybe I could fix this issue on my own, but most advice says to face the issues that cause your anxiety, I can go to supermarkets, it does give me a headache. I will only pop in for a couple of bits, never a big shop. Â A spice jar not being lined up or an ornament out of place, I will still straighten them & I fold my towels into threes! These things aren't really my issue.
My issue now is that I dislike his daughter so much that anything that she does causes me a huge amount of anxiety, I now only clean after she has stayed with us, I cook cheaper meals when she's at our house, I don't wash her clothes with mine & I use rubber gloves to put her stuff in the machine. I don't like her toothbrush touching mine or my daughters.
The other day I found her & my husband laying on my bed, on my side with her head on my pillow. I had a anxiety attack, freaked out (not in front of her) but my husband & I argued, he called me revolting & disgusting & I told him i thought his daughter was a chav. Obviously this didn't go down to well. I also ended up washing our bedding after..
I love my husband dearly & have done for most of my life, I am now seeking advice as to what I can do to help me possibly like her again. As I can't just run away. I feel like the situation has gone from bad to worse.
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Am I bad for not liking her
47 replies
Bourne123 · 02/01/2017 06:23
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