Am I bad for not liking her(48 Posts)
In 1987 I met my husband, I had just started boarding school & we were both 11 years old. From day one he & I were an item & it stayed the same all throughout school until we were 16. Finishing boarding school we went back to our own towns a couple of counties apart. We met up over the years, always ending in too much wine &/or vodka & always weed. And always ending up in bed together (strangely never sex though), most of the time his girlfriend would be out of town on business & me, a boyfriend also away on business. We would meet at whom evers house was more convenient & safest. Anyway, he ended up with a daughter from a long term relationship which ended when their daughter was 3, I was really hurt by his admitted "drunken mistake, doesn't even remember having sex" as I had thought we'd eventually end up together, however we still met up, drank too much, but only on his child free weekends, I couldn't imagine a future between us now that he had a child.
When I was 30, I thought it was time to move on & start my own family. I met my ex husband in 2006 & we were to marry in sept 2009, I met him one more time in the April before I was to get married, again this ended up the same was as many times before, but this time he told me how he felt, his father had recently died & he thought he had nothing to loose. He asked me not to get married, told me he had always loved me & it had always been me. It was all too late, I ended up marrying & we had our daughter in Feb 2011. He was still in my mind, although he had a girlfriend, I found out through Facebook that he was again single & in oct 2013 I left my husband (poor man, still good friends) & we started a relationship. I moved to his home town a year later & we married Christmas 2015.
His daughter now 14 lives with us 50% of the time spread over a two week rota & my daughter now 5 lives with us full time, seeing her dad every 2nd weekend.
We lived quite happily to start with, although I felt he was constantly monitoring my relationship with his daughter, however his daughter & I got on no problems, most of our discussions were girlie chats & he only saw that we didn't talk so much in front of him. He accused me of not having a relationship with her as he didn't see the other side. I used to plait her hair before school (thoroughly washing my hands afterwards, which is more explained about below). She confided in me about many subjects, sought advice from me, came to me with her friend problems etc. In July last year she & a few friends from school smoked a joint to, I guess celebrate the start of the summer holidays & she freaked out, phoned me & I left my friends house to go home to help her calm down & feel better & I promised her that I wouldn't tell her Dad. In August last year, she told me she had a panic attack & said she felt high again & was laughing about it, whilst she was trying to explain it to me. I didn't quite understand how smoking a bit of a joint could trigger psychosis (especially having smoke it for years with no known personal issues) & I told her to tell her dad as I thought he'd understand it better than me having qualified & worked as a social worker for many years.
From that day our relationship has turned very sour, good days & bad but generally bad. I feel that he has taken over & pushed me to one side. I did say to start with that I will take a step back & let him deal with it, she saw a counsellor & her mother & my husband attended a few sessions, I had no part in any rehabilitation. I wasn't sure I 100% believed the panic attacks to be real & thought she was manipulating both sets of parents, playing us off against each other. She had 2weeks off school before Christmas which my husband said "we all" had agreed to ("we" didn't include me) it was suggested by the counsellor & agreed to by the school & her parents. I thought it was avoiding the issues & not helping her to deal with them.
Since August, his daughter & I have had no girlie chats. The situation now has become so bad & uncomfortable for me that I really don't like her, I don't want her staying in our home. I try to avoid situations that involve her. I don't want to spend any time with her. Everything that she does or doesn't do annoys the hell out of me. I find her to be selfish, spoiled & lazy. She has constantly had nits this summer & her one & only hobby of make-up has become such an issue with cleaning make-up fingers prints off paint work, carpet & her school shirts & the tide mark in the bath, I'm find myself to be quite repulsed. I have voiced my opinions, dislike & feelings to my husband & it has turned into tit-for-tat. Although obviously to me, if my own daughter (at 5 years old) forgets to flush the loo or rinse the sink after brushing her teeth, it's not an issue. Also any trust that was once there between us has gone. She told her mother that I knew about her smoking it & also told her I knew about the others times & told her to be careful, when I hadn't. Her mother & I have an issue as she's not stupid & suspected the past relationship..
Our situation at home is that it is my husbands house & 90% of the furnishings came with me or have have been more recently bought by me, i have never opted for the cheaper option & always bought my preferred, even if I had to go without & save more. So my stuff is important to me & I like to look after it.
I pay for the food, he pays the bills, I buy clothes, birthday/christmas presents etc for my daughter & him his. I deal with my daughters schooling, uniform etc & him his. We don't have any joint accounts, the money earned by me is mine & his his.. When we take a holiday, we pay for our own flights & put in 50/50 spending money. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening & work part time.
I believe I am a little OCD & it has always been a bit of a joke in the past with friends & family, my mum is the exactly same, I just see it as super organised & I like my home/garden to look tidy & to be clean. Nothing extreme as light switches on/off 10 times, checking the door is locked, no obsessive thoughts of knife attacks, but everything does have its place. I particularly don't like going to supermarkets as have a very heightened sense of smell & can pick up many smells, my worst (other than goats cheese) is dirty hair, hats & pillows smells & when I detect it, it stops my breath. I now do my food shopping online.
I've looked into how to deal with OCD, thinking that maybe I could fix this issue on my own, but most advice says to face the issues that cause your anxiety, I can go to supermarkets, it does give me a headache. I will only pop in for a couple of bits, never a big shop. A spice jar not being lined up or an ornament out of place, I will still straighten them & I fold my towels into threes! These things aren't really my issue.
My issue now is that I dislike his daughter so much that anything that she does causes me a huge amount of anxiety, I now only clean after she has stayed with us, I cook cheaper meals when she's at our house, I don't wash her clothes with mine & I use rubber gloves to put her stuff in the machine. I don't like her toothbrush touching mine or my daughters.
The other day I found her & my husband laying on my bed, on my side with her head on my pillow. I had a anxiety attack, freaked out (not in front of her) but my husband & I argued, he called me revolting & disgusting & I told him i thought his daughter was a chav. Obviously this didn't go down to well. I also ended up washing our bedding after..
I love my husband dearly & have done for most of my life, I am now seeking advice as to what I can do to help me possibly like her again. As I can't just run away. I feel like the situation has gone from bad to worse.
I think for the sake of his dd you need to leave you sound vile about her, how old is she?
I'm not vile, I'm actually a very caring & sensitive person. Everything was fine before August, but since then I feel that I have been pushed so far into a corner I don't know which way to turn. She's 14 & obviously going through the trauma of teenage years.. I just need some ideas on how to make life at home calm & happy again
She doesn't have time for you to sort out your obviously complicated MH problems and unfounded dislike for her. She needs a calm supportive home with her dad as well as with mum.
Calling someone's child a chav is awful.
Do the decent thing before her dad does.
You sound horrible. Your dislike of her is your issue, not hers. You really should leave because she's at a difficult age and the disgust you feel for her will hurt her and destroy your relationship. Incidentally it sounds as though you and her father have behaved appallingly over the years and I'd be shocked if he didn't cheat on you
Come on people, it sounds like o/p has a fairly serious OCD going on.
O/p, to me it reads like something has focussed your OCD toward your stepdaughter. You need some serious counselling to deal with the OCD, your feelings, and triggers.
It won't go away by itself. Make an appt with your go asap and get yourself referred.
In the meantime tell your dh and sd you are dealing with it, and to try and help you in the meantime. Counselling for them too might help, so they can support you and know your triggers.
Thank you reallyanotherone, I have booked to see a counsellor & do agree that OCD is playing a huge part in this issue.
What would you do if your DH was hostile to your DD and called her names?
As this is your issue and not your SD you should leave until you have worked through your issues.
Words fail me. Am not sure why we needed the full life story but it doesn't paint either of you in a good light.
I don't know enough about OCD to really comment but it is clear you need professional help in dealing with your mental health issues, for your own sake let alone your family. This is not about a teenager but is very much about you which you don't seem to recognise.
Is your husband aware of your issues and how they particularly relate to his child? What are his thoughts? I am afraid if you called my child a chav I would struggle to feel the same way about you. It's a very unpleasant way to refer to anyone let alone a child in your care. It is certainly not caring or kind, is it?
Wow you sound pretty unwell actually. Please get help and don't take it it on your SD. My only advice to you is to be kind to her.
You need to leave. It doesn't matter if your reasons are down to mental health or you just being vile, no child should grow up with someone so vile and toxic towards them.
It's his house, so pack up your expensive furniture and leave asap. Maybe you can see it as temporary while you get your behaviour in check.
My dsd - when I was still with H - had nits several times and gave them to my DD. I spent many hours combing out and shampooing both girls with the Nitty Gritty shampoo and comb. Eventually H asked DSD's mother to address the problem. None of it was DSD's fault. That is without addressing the other issues in your post, which i agree suggest you need to seek treatment for OCD.
You're suggesting a mentally unwell woman should leave her home and family, and go where? To some shitty bedsit where her OCD can really take hold and she has no reason to seek help anymore?
Manumission, if it were my dh I'd support him in getting help for his OCD and help him get well. I'd look to how I could help- maybe if he started doing his own dd's washing, for example. I'd also be looking to how I can protect and help my dd- she's 14, old enough to understand mental illness, so compromises can be made.
I wouldn't be chucking my sick husband out to fend for himself.
I dont know what youre expecting. You cant take out your MH issues on your SD and think thats possibly sustainable. It isnt. Your partner needs to get his daughter away from you because what youve become is toxic to her and her to you. Your partner must choose his daughter, just like you would have to choose yours if he became so disgusted and distressed by everything to do with your daughter
reallyanotherone Thank God you're here. My initial thoughts were not especially sympathetic but your reasonable and compassionate reply made me feel a little ashamed. Op has given a lot of extra detail, some of which will incline readers to feel irritation towards her but I think you are right that her OCD now has strong associations with DSD. Op needs to see this more as a mental health issue and less as a step-parenting issue.
You response to your DSD's teenage behaviour is out of proportion OP. Ask for help.
It's not irritation monkey. It's cold analysis. DC have to be protected from emotional abuse. How do you see that happening here?
Absolutely agree with manumission and both DC need to be protected as am sure your own DD is also being affected. Please ask GP for help.
It's increadably difficult to live with someone who has OCD (voice of experience). I can't imagine how much harder it would be if all of it was directed at me as yours is your DSD
You're being horribly unfair to her to expect her to keep dealing with your MH issues being taken out on her. She's a 14 year old child.
I don't know what the answer is, but things can't be allowed to carry on like this
The child is 14 which is an incredibly sensitive time. The op is showing physical signs of revulsion towards her in many different ways, all because the girls actual parents made a decision about her with out the op.
The op didn't agree with her husbands actions and I'd taking it out on his child. It doesn't matter why the op is behaving the way she is, the result it the same. She can't be allowed to continue this behaviour for another minute. It will do horrific damage to a child whose only crime is to exist.
I think you need to sit uour husband down and apologise, explain you're mentally unwell, which clearly you are, and then try to get a plan to get help. Take action as in book an appointment to see a doctor immediately. Washing the bedding for example because she simply lay there is so awful.
In the meantime, I'd also apologise to his daughter if you've ever offended her without explaining your feelings because that would be devastating.
Is there someplace else you can stay whilst you get the medical help you need? You should not be around children until you've got this resolved.
You should not be around children until you've got this resolved
That's a little bit extreme. The op has a dd and has not expressed the same feelings towards her, or children at her dd's school or the neighbours children etc..
She should work eradicating her bad feelings towards her sd and I agree that maybe living elsewhere for the time being until she gets help would be a good thing, but that doesn't mean she should not be around other children, especially her dd. Her dd would be going with her I presume.
Unfortunately after reading your responses some helpful, some not so. I was asking for help, not abuse. I have come to realise that it is very much an OCD issue, (for which I have asked for private help from a local professional) that has unfortunately due to many factors that have happened since August pushed matters of keeping stuff. I have also realised that my mother too had the same problem with me, hence sending me to boarding school. The SD has no knowledge of my feelings, my husband does & is trying to support me through this difficult, stressful & depressing time. Thank you for the help so far...
She confided in you that she was feeling panicked and you dismissed it and still expected to be involved. She appears to be having issues (and has blamed smoking) and a plan agreed to by professional is dismissed by you. Of course trust is gone.
The way you and your partner got together is always going to cause issues and the resentment comes through
How do you solve it by seeing s counsellor and accepting your issues. But at the same time accept hers if things are causing you to have anxiety and panic attacks why can't hers. What you are doing could be read as manipulation as much as what she is doing (more as you are an adult)
And you voiced dislike for a 14 year old who is clearly having issues. It so beds like you are not your partners number one and you struggle with it
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