This may be long, quite a huge backstory
Dp split with his ex 6 years ago when she left taking their DD with them. She was 8 at the time and he has an older DD who was 16.
I moved in with dp 4 years ago with my DD's, then 13 and 6.
We had regular contact with his youngest who would come to use Eow and extra time when her mum was away with her partner and during the holidays. There were lots of minor issues which weren't helped by his ex involving herself in and causing small problems to be escalated into major ones. Things like his DD saying I never asked her to do anything in the house (like picking up stuff or tidying) like I did my own DD's involved a 2 hour meeting between dp and ex with his DD apparently 'sobbing her heart out'.
So I started asking her to pick up stuff she'd left etc. Then dp got another call and another 2 hour meeting with DD sobbing her heart out because I was picking on her and making her do everything.
Instead of her mum leaving it to us to sort out, she involved herself in everything with the result that if his DD didn't like anything then she would tell her mum so that her mum could basically start issuing orders. Things got very fraught.
Two years ago their divorce was finalised and in court she said that contact was very amicable and dp was having dd eow and extra time when wanted and that no court order was needed. She was given substantial monies from the settlement to let her keep a home in the area as their DD was settled at school and with friends etc.
So we ended up homeless and skint as Dp wasn't working because of an accident but we found a house to rent and made sure that there was room for his DD to share with my youngest (having the bigger bedroom) with my teen having the box room.
A few weeks after the divorce his ex emailed him to say they were moving. Just over an hour away, his DD would be moving schools and they were moving in with her new partner. Dp was devastated. This would mean reduced contact as we were having her until the Monday and she was going to school from our home. To start with we still saw her eow but very quickly contact started to dwindle away and once his ex had enrolled their DD into a saturday activity that was it. We had her here September 2015 for four days and then December 2015 for four days.
Dp sees her every monday evening very briefly as my DD goes to the same activity but she will not talk to him. He rings her and she won't answer. He calls the house but gets told she's not in/busy/asleep/doesn't want to talk to him. As you can imagine this is hurting him massively.
The last time his DD was here she had gone out with a friend and refused to come back because dp wouldn't let her sleep over at the friends house. This was because he had barely seen her in months and wanted to spend time with her. She kicked off at him (I kept completely out of it) and she spent the rest of the time on her laptop not talking to anyone in the house at all.
Two years ago his ex was diagnosed with cancer. We have no idea of what's going on with treatment or prognosis as no-one will tell dp. however, yesterday dp rang his dd to say happy christmas and was told she was asleep (at 11.30am). His ex rang back and said that DD didn't want to talk to him. She also said that she was protecting their DD from him because dp hadn't been showing any care or concern over her cancer diagnosis. It was a very long phone call and it ended up with her hanging up on him in anger.
She told him she is going into a hospice today and they aren't sure when she will be coming out if at all. Dp is hugely concerned about the effect this is having on his DD and also what the hell will happen if the worst happens to his ex?
At the moment his dd is in the care of his wife's partner but he has memory problems due to an accident and isn't in the best of health. Dp is angry that his ex has basically pulled his DD away from him at a time when she should have been encouraging contact to ensure support from her Dad.
I have said to dp that there needs to be a meeting to sort this out. If the worst happens we want his DD to come to us and live with us. I know his ex thinks I hate his DD but I don't. I care about her but the conflict between her parents has caused no end of conflict in her and I think that she has felt she needs to choose. It's just an awful mess.
I'm worried that things have been left too late to fix. I'm scared that his DD will want to stay with a man who although very nice, is not her dad and is not capable of parenting a teenage girl through her teens. I'm concerned that she may have to move schools again.
Neither of us know what the hell to do now.
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Step-parenting
Whole thing is a total fucking mess
60 replies
MycatsaPirate · 26/12/2016 15:29
OP posts:
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