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No children this Christmas :(

(67 Posts)
SteppingOnToes Sat 24-Dec-16 15:10:43

DP was so excited for his first Christmas with his kids in 4 years. It's his weekend with the kids (Court ordered - as she was denying access) and she has vetoed it and said the kids will be with her all of Christmas day and she wants them back on Christmas eve. Usually handover is at half 7 but she has demanded them back at 3 sad The kids have now gone home in tears as they didn't want to leave and want to see their dad on Christmas day sad and DP is the bad one for putting them in the car.i said he should have said that if she wanted them early she should have collected them so it didn't look like it was there dad who didn't want them there.

She has said "You can have a "pretend Christmas" on boxing day". I had a good mind to suggest to DP that we should have had our "Pretend Christmas" on Christmas eve... I was mature and didn't stir it though.

I'd dread being her on Christmas as the kids have said they want to see their dad for at least some part of Christmas day and she has said no. DP has said they are more than welcome to come round for a bit on Christmas day but it is up to their mum. She's claiming that she's having the kids as they want to be with her for Christmas - she's made them choose which, in my mind, is wicked sad DSC are 5 and 10 and have just left sobbing

Bluebell878275 Sat 24-Dec-16 15:24:12

Why have you just done as she said? Why didn't you both just say no? Poor little ones..shouldn't be feeling upset at this time fsad

FrankAndBeans Sat 24-Dec-16 15:26:42

You've done all you can really, you've both handled it in the correct manner.

Debrathezebra Sat 24-Dec-16 15:26:51

It's so hard while things like this is going on. If it's any consolation they do grow up and see things for themselves and act accordingly.

SteppingOnToes Sat 24-Dec-16 15:27:52

Bluebell I have no say sad and DP does anything to keep the peace in case she starts denying contact again sad It's court ordered but it has broken him financially and can't afford to take it further sad

neonrainbow Sat 24-Dec-16 15:28:30

I think all you can do is take the high ground. They'll vote with their feet when they're old enough.

SteppingOnToes Sat 24-Dec-16 15:29:06

Frank and Zebra thankyou for your kind words.they are delighful children and I hate to see them sad

SteppingOnToes Sat 24-Dec-16 15:29:52

And rainbow too. I hope they grow to appreciate both parents love them

SteppingOnToes Sat 24-Dec-16 15:34:18

One thing we have done is got them presents that they want for the first time. Normally she sets a limit he can spend of £50 so he doesn't appear to outdo her on the gifts. This year though they are getting what they asked for ;) only one present and not hundreds of pounds but it is more than £50... And she has said Santa won't bring it as it's too expensive. Well this year Santa is grovelling for not getting their presents to them on time on Christmas day :P

Lilaclily Sat 24-Dec-16 15:36:36

Don't worry about the dcs , once they are home with her they'll be fine

Concentrate on cheering up and spoiling your poor dh flowers

You've both behaved with dignity , have a lovely Christmas fsmile

SteppingOnToes Sat 24-Dec-16 15:40:08

Thankyou LL smile it just feels very flat here now sad we are going to see both sets of our parents on Christmas day now so we can be the Children for the day I suppose smile

deckoff Sat 24-Dec-16 15:42:13

There must be a huge backstory because "mum who wants her kids on Christmas" and "equal present limit" don't sound remotely unreasonable to me. Pretty rude to ignore the latter really. confused

As for encouraging tears and drama and relishing it all - jeez, life's too short, it's just one silly day, an artificial construct by advertisers - don't fall for it. Just have a nice celebration the day after and be mature about it. The kids will follow your examples.

SteppingOnToes Sat 24-Dec-16 15:47:00

Deckoff - It's not about mum wanting the kids on Christmas (that is totally reasonable and we had said we would drop them at hers for half of the day). It is about her saying dad can't see the kids at all

SteppingOnToes Sat 24-Dec-16 15:49:13

Deckoff please don't judge me by your own standards. No one is encouraging drama - everyone is trying to keep everything calm for a quiet life and to keep the kids happy. It's very unkind of you to suggest otherwise...

FrankAndBeans Sat 24-Dec-16 15:52:02

See I'm pretty pro-mums after a separation but my ex-p literally buggered off to the other side of the world to chase his dreams instead of parenting his kid and I am still splitting Christmas Day so I don't have much sympathy for the DC's Mum in this case. I do think you should have stuck to the present limit though.
Although my splitting Christmas Day is just him picking DD up before bedtime for her to be able to wake up with him on Boxing Day. Could you ask her for that? Hard to have a fake Christmas if they're not there to wake up for their second santa visit sad

deckoff Sat 24-Dec-16 16:02:59

Sorry, I'm in a fucking foul mood which doesn't help of course.

But the "encouraging drama" comes from the way you've written here: the "I wouldn't want to be her" snide remake, the criticisms, the "wicked" comment, the "kids sobbing relentlessly" when you could have both rallied them along with two awesome Christmasses, the little coy smiley emoticons at outdoing her present-wise.

Like I said, just must be a massive, massive backstory. That's all.

SteppingOnToes Sat 24-Dec-16 16:09:06

The backstory is that she's a nice lady, we've been out for lunch and coffee a couple of times to keep the relationship between me and her amicable. The no contact on Christmas day has come as a bit of a surprise

donajimena Sat 24-Dec-16 16:09:11

Really deckoff? it was my partners ex w who fecked off years before I knew he existed yet she is still awkward with contact!

AndNowItsSeven Sat 24-Dec-16 16:09:25

That's sad but really hecshould have said no and ignored the phone/door.

fallenempires Sat 24-Dec-16 16:15:51

Aww that's rotten of her.My DCS are going to XH's tomorrow and I won't see them again til the middle of next week.
But mine are teenagers these are young children here!
I think it's very sad that she wouldn't even allow you both to have them tomorrow evening.
Despite her own feelings towards you both she should do everything in her power to encourage contact.She is going to seriously damage those childrens' MH if she doesn't.

Evergreen777 Sat 24-Dec-16 16:24:47

"present limit"?? shock wtf? What kind of parent wants to prevent their child from getting something nice from their other parent? Talk about cutting off your nose in spite of your face! And people on this thread defending it confused sad

If your can't afford to spend as much as your ex can on your DC, then you can explain that to them, just as you no doubt have to explain why some of their friends might get more expensive presents too. But telling their other parent that he's "not allowed" to spend more than £x on them is just nasty.

Sorry it's not worked out well this year OP. I would definitely tell the ex she must come and collect them herself another time if she insists on having them back early. And yes, why not have a "Christmas" on a different day. Christmas Eve, or a couple of days before (solstice maybe?) would be fine. Else do it later. Kids really don't mind having two Christmases. Best make it as different as possible from whatever they do with their mum though so it doesn't turn into a competition.

NewNNfor2017 Sat 24-Dec-16 16:26:58

There must be a huge backstory because "mum who wants her kids on Christmas" and "equal present limit" don't sound remotely unreasonable to me.

The Op has explained the backstory. It includes contact being withheld, a court case which financially crippled the OPs DP and a mother who is now breaching a court order.

Mum "wanting her kids on Christmas" may not be unreasonable, but "mum breaching a court order" is inexcusable - and gives resident mothers a bad name.

FrankAndBeans Sat 24-Dec-16 16:35:07

That's sad but really hecshould have said no and ignored the phone/door.
That would just fuck things up further in the long run. Why would she send her kids if she didn't trust they would be returned? (Rightfully or wrongfully.)

AndNowItsSeven Sat 24-Dec-16 16:42:06

Because frank the court order is in the children's best interests. They didn't need to be " returned their dad has pr!)

NewNNfor2017 Sat 24-Dec-16 16:57:19

I've been the SM at Xmas when the DSC mum turned up demanding the DCs were returned - despite agreements and court orders in place.
It's really not as simple as 'not answering the door'.
In most cases, a mother who is willing to behave in such a way is also likely to punish/berate the DCs for not doing more to get back to her. At the very least, she will slag off the DCs father to their face for being selfish enough to want to spend time with them. The DCs feel guilty for wanting to spend time with dad and darent admit it to their mum.

When there is implacable hostility towards the NRP By the RP, I am of the opinion that the only way for the NRP to maintain a relationship is to go along with whatever the RP dictates.

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