At the end of my tether...

[Frogonalog16]

Sorry for the long post
I'm finding being in a blended family really difficult at the moment. Aibu to think that not everything has to be completely equal? For example, today dd1 has come back from a sleep over with my mum. They've decorated huge biscuits, one each for me, dp, dd1 and dss. Dd2 didnt have one so dd1 had wrapped her a small cookie in a piece of paper. As soon as dp saw it he said she couldnt have it because there wasnt one for dss. She had also bought a hot water bottle out of her own money which dp was not happy about her bringing back again because there wasnt one for dss. Hes so obsesed with things being equal yet his parents have savings accounts for youngest 2 (dss and dd2) but not for dd1 who is his dsd. My mum has set up savings accounts for all 3 children. His parents have also bought dss a £40 camera for xmas and dd1 has a make your own sweet tree which she told me they bought in the sale at b&m. Is it just me or is this complete double standards?
It sounds so petty writing it down but its a huge problem in our relationship and its getting to the point where I'm questioning whether i can carry on like this

[PotteringAlong]

Have you pointed the double standards out to him? What's his response?

[Underthemoonlight]

By him going over board he's utilmately favouring the youngest two. Surely your DM would be better to do a main savings for your eldest son to equal what his dp do for the other two? I can definitely see the double standards how is he with Christmas presents etc x

[SnowyPaws]

He's totally out of order. Put your foot down and tell him to give over. Things will never be completely equal as as you have witnessed grandparents do different things for their grandchildren and no they shouldn't have to set up savings accounts for the children of their children's new partners! Madness.

[Frogonalog16]

I've tried pointing it out to him. I haven't mentioned the xmas presents because im sure dd1 will love making the sweet tree and to me thats whats important, the only reason it annoys me is because of his insistence on everything being equal.
To be honest its got to the point I dread having to see my family with him because he can always find something to be insulted by. When dd1 came in with the hot water bottle earlier and he got funny I said she had paid with money that had been in a money box for a while, but according him that equates the them buying it because its money that dss hasnt had from them. To me it just seems to petty.
At the begining of last year dd1s sperm donor decided to get in touch so she saw him for a while. She bought something back he had bought her once and he said if he buys her stuff it will have to stay at his house as its not fair on dss if she brings stuff back. He dissapeared again pretty quickly so thats not a problem now but is it just me that thinks hes being totaly unreasonable? X

[SnowyPaws]

He sounds a right prick. He's trying to put his children before your children. Does he resent he fact you had a child when you got together?

[Frogonalog16]

@snowypaws to be fair its my mum who set up for all 3 kids but he made such a fuss last year about how they all need to be treated the same i imagine she was scared not to. I have never said to him that his mum and dad should have one for dd1 either

[SnowyPaws]

He's a hypocrite of the highest order then- why isn't he telling his parents to set up an account for your DD if he's so obsessed with fairness?

How on earth can you bite your tongue when he goes on the rampage about a cookie knowing the unfairness of much bigger Hingis to the detriment of your DD? Why are you resistant to speak your mind and confront him? Is he aggressive?

[Frogonalog16]

Im absoutely dreading xmas. Were going to see my family on the 27th and if things aren't to his standard 'equal' he'll go mad. It won't matter how much dss loves his presents if he thinks the girls have more he won't be happy even though as i said his parents have spent so much more on him

[Frogonalog16]

No not agressive at all but he's very much his way is right and my opinion is wrong so I've just given up argueing about it. I was on the verge of leaving this year but stayed as dd1s sperm donor had done one again and i just know as much as he says different she wouldnt see him again if i did and i didnt want her to loose another father figure (she calls him dad) but I'm getting to breaking point again

[Underthemoonlight]

He isn't treating you're dd1 fairly though is he, it's as if she can't have anything for herself he is borderline being emotional abusive towards her. Sounds like his DSS is his favourite maybe because he's the boy, does he get loads of stuff from his mothers side of the family.

[SnowyPaws]

Poor you. it sounds so difficult.

I think I would probably sit down with him and have a full and frank discussion about this and about how you can't go on living under his rule. Your opinion matters too. I think it's ultimatum time. Give him the chance to see the error of his ways and see what happens.

You shouldn't be dreading Christmas, this isn't right. Your daughter will not thank you for staying with someone who isn't a good fit for you for her sake.

[Frogonalog16]

Dss is definately his favourite although he would never admit it. I think he feels gulity as he finished the relationship with his mother and although he sees him almost every day it still affects him. I know i need to talk to him about it because i cant go on like this anymore

[Underthemoonlight]

Do have a talk your DD1 will pick up on this and it's unfair on her