My stepson makes me ill

[Kelliann1984]

Today 16:07 Kelliann1984

Please don't judge me, I just want help and advice.

I am a mum to 2 boys (13 and 3). My partner has a son from a previous who is 11. The 3 year old is mine and my partners.

So this is about my step son. 6 and a half years I have been with my partner and for the first 6 months it was dating and introducing the 2 older boys.
We took things slow as we needed to know that it was going to work. We fell in love and decided that we could start making further plans ect......

however very quickly I began to realise that this boy wasn't quiet what I had thought. He was rude, threw full on tantrums when he couldn't get his own way, kits out kicks, and has his dad wrapped around
His little finger (my partner gave in for an easy life and because he felt like a weeeknd dad.
Now fast forward 6 years and he's no better, we have him every weekend and come Friday morning I get in a bad mood because I know he is coming, my house gets treat like a junk yard, he has no respect and genuinely makes me ill.

He still throws tantrums like a
3 year old, he swears at us, screams around he house and scares me 3 year old.

This weekend he raised his fist to our 3 year old and was so angry and wanted to hit him. He then phones his mum screaming down the phone that he's going to smash our house up and says his dad has hit him (not true), he tells nasty lies, his behaviour isn't any better and myself and my partner have spoken about living apart. (Which is still in discussion).

He kicked me in the tummy while I was pregnant and picked a brick up from
The garden and threatened to throw it in my face (because I told him he couldn't play out after hurling abuse at me).

I feel so sad and lonely, I try so hard to be a good step parent, he comes on holiday abroad with us every year and every single year he spoils it.
After this year I have refused to go on holiday again. It got too much, my partner needed up bed bound for a few days due to being extremely poorly, and all he did was demand and call us horrible names, tells his dad to F off and calls me a stupid bi**h.

His mum is a crazy woman, And causes my partner a great deal of stress, very demanding and spits her dummy out when he won't do as she wants, so it results in her saying 'you won't see your son', truth be told she would be doing me a favour.

I try to support my partner but now I hate him coming, I hate weekends and I have to look after him every other weekend due to my partners work.

I feel so low and take medication to help me cope, but I'm just not coping very well. I cry all the time and my eldest son hates being round him, so he goes to his nans every weekend to be away from him.

What can I do, I'm
Scared of having another failed relationship and I'm
Scared of my partner having my 3 year old if we do split up and his son harming him.

Please help me

[YorkiesGlasses]

If you and your DH are discussing living apart he must know how bad the situation is. Have you talked about what would happen with your three year old if you split? Have you considered asking for support from social services?

I'd refuse to have him on weekends when your DP is working. The contact is for him to see his child. If he isn't there it's pretty much pointless.

[satinthedark]

What part of this is the childs fault.

His two parents have failed to parent him properly and he knows his stepmother can not stand him. You should not have him when his father is not around.

A new child has come along and taken his place and he kicks off.

The adults - all of them - have failed the child. He is craving attention and security and letting you all know it in the only way he knows will get him attention

[Kelliann1984]

I am not blaming the child. We are all frustrated.
Hence why I have asked for help and advice.
Do you think I enjoy feeling this way??? Do you think I want this?? After 6 years I hit a braking point...... I am only human.
He doesn't get treat any different to my other 2 boys. I try as the 'adult' to be as fair as I can.

[Kelliann1984]

And I may add, he is one of 4 boys, all boys have different fathers.
He loves us very much, shows a very loving side, but when it kicks off, it kicks off.
He also adores his little brother.

[RandomMess]

Thing is it would seem that he has one parent who is not looking after his emotional needs and perhaps never has?

I don't have any advice, he would probably be okay if he lived with you full time and he had consistency and firm boundaries but he doesn't.

Some children are damaged in such a way you just have to detach to survive

It sounds like you should live apart for now, or at least at weekends, not ideal but it's a solution you can try and see how it goes.

[redexpat]

Is he like this elsewhere? At his mum or school or gps?

It does sound really sressful.

[ThatsWotSheSaid]

To be honest it sounds extreme for a child who's just 'spoilt'. How does he behave at school?

[Kelliann1984]

He's like this all the time, he's just gone into high school, but primary school picked up on it.
He would hit out and call names, punched a little girl in the face.
He's obviously frustrated, as are we all. His mum is never home, )his brothers look after him, yet we provide a stable loving home and he's still like this.

[Molly333]

First of all be kind to yourself , you would be a saint to not feel desperate here !!!!
. From what I'm hearing this young boy has not had boundaries from either his mum or dad but you and the children seem to be baring the brunt of his behaviour .! My suggestion would be to separate to give your self time to think , to regroup your own children before they end up with the " we had an awful childhood " tag . Ultimately you need to consider being alone to make you and your children happy but maybe also to give your partner and child time to reflect on their behaviour . You so need a break as do your kids as they need you to x

[Love51]

I'd be telling my partner to get a job that doesn't involve him working every other weekend, so he can care for his own 11 year old. This may be expensive but it's killing your relationship for you to parent him alone, and having a negative impact on your 13 yo.

[ThatsWotSheSaid]

If he is like this in all environments even those with firm boundaries (school and hopefully when he's with you) is there any reason to think there might be something more neurological. Oppositional type behaviour issues or ADD?

[Patriciathestripper1]

Firstly if you partner works every other weekend tell him you will not have his son on the weekend he works because you don't feel safe with him. There is no point him coming if he dad isn't there.
He will end up traumatising you 3yr old and your son might end up copying the behaviour if he sees his stepbrother getting away with it.
I doubt that dad will grow a pair at this stage and set propper boundaries for you all so is there somewhere you can go at the weekend when step monster stepson visits?
You can't carry on like this but you need to keep your sons safe. Next time he kicks off and threatens you ring the bloody police and let them deal with this brat. You should feel safe in your own home. If it was your husband treating you like this you would call the police.

[Patriciathestripper1]

Have I got his age right? He is now 17?

[JustSpeakSense]

He is 11

[Patriciathestripper1]

Oh I thought op said he was 11 then fast forward 6 years. I. That case font suppose police would be much help but ss might be worth a call to get op some support

[Hellmouth]

In my opinion, you should not be looking after him when your partner is working. The arrangement is for your partner to look after him, not you.

Also, it's your home too and you need to feel that you and your children are happy and safe. He's clearly not able to deal with his parents situation and so I agree with Patricia, it could be worth getting SS involved.

[FlouncedBack]

If you could cut the child's visits down to the weekends his dad is not working then perhaps get his dad to take him out for the day
over the other weekend when he isn't working? Then at least it gives you some breathing space and you'll only have him for one day every 2 weeks.

[redexpat]

This child needs help. Either he has some sort of MH problem or he hasn't learned how to behave. Is he under CAHMS for anything? Have you spoken to his school? Would you consider getting support from social services?

FWIW I think that it is because you have provided him with a stable loving home that he is acting like this. Because he knows he is safe. So big positive there, but not actually very helpful in dealing with it.

[Kelliann1984]

We discussed this last year having him fortnightly and we always have him for up to 2 weeks during the big school
Holidays (as we go on holiday). But his mum wasn't happy, said she won't put her life on hold because we can't control him. Truth be told mum is never home, spends her time at her boy friends.

We've even suggested that my partner picks him up after work on his weekend in and spends Sunday day with him alone. But she went crazy telling him that he has 2 children not just one, and stopped accsess all together for 3 weeks.

She allowed him to come back back under the conditions that I kept my nose out, as I was concerned and spoke to the school.

Yet she's happy for me to have him every other weekend when his dad works.
It's all her way or no way, so my partner is torn between it all.

I try to help and get help for our family and I get ripped to pieces.
There is no compromising with either Mum or Son, while my family relationships are braking down.

I love my partner and I love my children, but no matter what my children come first last and always

[Kelliann1984]

she's been involved with SS before but for all the wrong reasons, so maybe if I contact them asking for help I may get some where.

I am so sorry for going on and on, I just feel that I have tried almost everything and I'm getting no where. Constantly fighting a loosing battle

[toptoe]

This child needs CAMHS support and SS do need to be involved again. What reason does your dp give you as to why he hasn't reported it?

It is bloody hard managing a child with attachment issues. Basically they have learnt not to trust adults and so will not respond to the usual rewards/sanctions. They can act out with aggression when they feel threatened or act in and regress. It's a normal reaction in children to some form of neglect or abuse.

You feel like you're stood on the edge of a cliff and you don't know what to do to calm them/contain their aggression.

He needs an assessment by an educational pyschologist and his dad should be pushing for it at school explaining the issues at home and at primary. He then needs to work out where the boy should live. This is not something quickly solved, especially if his environment is not changed. It could be that his older brothers are bullying him whilst mum is out too - someone needs to ask him what's going on.

Meantime, some tips for dealing with him. Top tip is to remember his aggression is all about him feeling unsafe and out of control. Because he doesn't trust adults as his primary carer has neglected/abused him, he will be trying to catch all adults out before they hurt him first. That is how his brain has become wired to protect him from harm.

So when he is getting aggressive, back off and leave him to calm down if you can. Only use a bear hug if he totally loses control and is going to hurt you or your dc. Bear hug until he stops thrashing out.

Treat him like a toddler, as his emotional age will be very immature.

Let him think he is making choices. If he thinks you are manipulating him or telling him he has no choice, he will freak out. So if you want him to put his shoes on try 'would you like to put your shoes on or would you like me to help?' He'll probably ask you to help.

Lower your expectations of how he is going to behave. He will not have the same boundaries as a mentally healthy child. He is likely to run about more, touch things he shouldn't etc. In a way, if it is safe, you need to think he's like a toddler that needs to explore the world and work it all out. So you can't tell him off for things you wouldn't tell a toddler off for. When out in public you can say things out loud so others realise there is an issue but you are dealing with it.

The usual rewards and sanctions don't usually work because he'll see it as a form of control and he doesn't trust adults. So, you can talk to him about what rewards he wants if he has a good visit. Be very forgiving and allow him to make mistakes. If you feel he's worked hard at one thing eg not lashing out, then you can reward him still even if he didn't manage to stay quiet at the shops. Pick one thing to work on that he is likely to be able to manage. Don't set the bar too high.

It is also your dp's responsibility to be on board with all of this. If his mother has opted out of parenting him, I wonder why your dp has not gone for full custody. The environment being the same is the one thing that will undermine anything that you or a counsellor will be able to do for him as he'll go back home and experience the same treatment that causes the problem in the first place.

It's not your responsibility to take on this child, however it is your responsibiltiy as an adult in his life to get him the right support if no one else is looking out for him. But if your partner doesn't want to help him I don't think a lot is going to change for the poor lad.

[Kelliann1984]

Toptoe,

You are completely spot on. I am at the moment doing a course called 'all about boys' and I find it extremely helpful, like everything you have said above, is what we spoken about in the course.

I as an adult feel like a I failure to him, I fail to understand him and I fail to love him like I should do, hence why I decided to do this course.

My partner tends to brush things under the carpet when we drop him off on a Sunday evening.
I have asked him on sereval occasions why he won't fight for him, and to a degree I totally understand why, the boys mother is awful.
Causes great deal of stress and is very manipulating, she was suppose to be attending anger management several years ago when abusing her boyfriend at the time.

His son told school that his mum hit him but then retracted his statement saying he was lying, I have my own suspicions on this and spoken to the school in confidence but when SS got involved she turned it round on every one else saying that we all hit him, I don't lay a finger on my own children so I certainly wouldn't touch anyone else's children.

I was working as a carer at the time and she threatened to loose me my job.

There is so much to the story and the poor boys back ground, I don't like to cross her because her lies are unreal.
I call her the pathological liner, when I read up on it, she shows all the signs.

I feel if mum and dad can't control him and get him help then how can I as a step parent help.

Mum addended CAHMS a few years ago, she went on a 12 week course and only attended the first 3 said it was a waste of time. So gave them a piece of her mind, nothing else has been put in place for him.

I do feel really sorry for him, i am only human and I know people expect me to be the adult which I am, but this weekend has been 1 of many break downs I've had.
I feel so ill with it all.

[redexpat]

You need SS. The current set up is failing DSS. Sometimes children make things up to get the attention, hoping that the adults will ask the right questions so they can tell you what really is going on. It is a cry for help.

[Atenco]

Sorry, no advice, OP, but your dss reminds me of my dn. He just had his mother for most of his life, but his father and grandmother had done the harm at a very young age, and he was impossible to be around, poor child.
My sister got family therapy for them when he was ten and he changed completely, it was wonderful to behold.

[Bluntness100]

It sounds to me like you're the only one trying to fix this, both his parents have and are failing him miserably, neither of them are doing anything in the child's best interests.

I think you need to talk properly to your partner and he needs to talk to his ex and between him and his ex they need to support this child, and your partner needs to support you.